Crazy day...
Hi all,
Well I started my new job today at Office Max. It was a blast! The people are so nice and it was a lot of fun. I love wearing the earpieces. Some of the stuff said over those things are hilarious. Anyways, I think I am really going to like it there.
I have been thinking a lot lately, kinda scary I know! Well, I have been living with my cousin and I love it there but I am so ready to be out on my own. I want my own place so badly. I have a couple reasons for this really. I don't like getting woken up at 6 am on Saturday because Jason in in the living room screaming. Another reason is I want to be able to have friends over more (i mean i can have friends over but it can be hard because it is not my place and I don't like to impose with a bunch of people) and be able to have friends with benefits over. Right now I can't really do that and it is kind of frustrating. The friends with benefits is understandable because Von does not want Rowan to be exposed or get attatched to someone I am just seeing plus he would not really understand why they just stopped coming over or that he cannot just walk into my room anymore.
I have also been thinking about how nice it would be to have someone steady in my life, not the lets get married steady but someone to cuddle with and talk to, someone who is there for me and who I can be there for too. I think this is the peer pressure talking as I see all my friends getting hooked up and/or married.
I have been to talking to a lot of people online lately and some of them really want to meet up but after the last couple of experiences with that I don't think I want to do that. I wish sometimes I was not so shy or scared of the people out there, maybe it has saved me to but still it is frustrating.
I want to be strong and just brave it but at the same time I am so afraid of rejection because it has happened so much to me in my life. I think it hurts the most when people don't want to get to know me or be with me because i am not a size 2. I realize everyone has their standards but do they have to be so mean about it. A couple of times I have had the chance to be with someone and have been so afraid that I ruined it. I think back to when my dad was sick and the chance I had with someone then and I definitely regret my decision and the things that I did to ruin it. I wish I had a second chance but I don't think it will happen and we are two states away now so I will move on.
I have a lot on my mind tonight so I am spilling sorry. I called my mom yesterday and today but she has not called me back so I think she is drinking again. Damn it, she was doing so good too. I hate when I get my hopes up and they just get crushed. Why can't I just put a wall up to it, seperate myself from it. Why can't she just want to stop? I know these answers but still it is so frustrating to watch her throw her life away or should i say drink it away. I don't think she even realizes how much it is hurting her and the family, how much she has missed out on and how much she will miss out on if she continues. I would give just about anything right now to have my mother, to be able to have a decent conversation with her. What is sad is that I can't even have that anymore when she is sober. She is too far gone. Damn it. Why can't my dad still be here to talk to me, to help me! I miss him so much. He really did keep a lot of this stuff with my mother away from me as best as he could. I just want to give him a hug again and hear his silly stories over and over again. I want to tell him thank you.
Why can't life be simple and happy like the fairytales they read you when you are little, granted some off them are pretty nasty and aren't all that happy but what about the ones that are. Ah to have that dream again, like when we were little and so naive, thinking the world was wonderful and life would be easy but I guess it never really is, is it?
Well I started my new job today at Office Max. It was a blast! The people are so nice and it was a lot of fun. I love wearing the earpieces. Some of the stuff said over those things are hilarious. Anyways, I think I am really going to like it there.
I have been thinking a lot lately, kinda scary I know! Well, I have been living with my cousin and I love it there but I am so ready to be out on my own. I want my own place so badly. I have a couple reasons for this really. I don't like getting woken up at 6 am on Saturday because Jason in in the living room screaming. Another reason is I want to be able to have friends over more (i mean i can have friends over but it can be hard because it is not my place and I don't like to impose with a bunch of people) and be able to have friends with benefits over. Right now I can't really do that and it is kind of frustrating. The friends with benefits is understandable because Von does not want Rowan to be exposed or get attatched to someone I am just seeing plus he would not really understand why they just stopped coming over or that he cannot just walk into my room anymore.
I have also been thinking about how nice it would be to have someone steady in my life, not the lets get married steady but someone to cuddle with and talk to, someone who is there for me and who I can be there for too. I think this is the peer pressure talking as I see all my friends getting hooked up and/or married.
I have been to talking to a lot of people online lately and some of them really want to meet up but after the last couple of experiences with that I don't think I want to do that. I wish sometimes I was not so shy or scared of the people out there, maybe it has saved me to but still it is frustrating.
I want to be strong and just brave it but at the same time I am so afraid of rejection because it has happened so much to me in my life. I think it hurts the most when people don't want to get to know me or be with me because i am not a size 2. I realize everyone has their standards but do they have to be so mean about it. A couple of times I have had the chance to be with someone and have been so afraid that I ruined it. I think back to when my dad was sick and the chance I had with someone then and I definitely regret my decision and the things that I did to ruin it. I wish I had a second chance but I don't think it will happen and we are two states away now so I will move on.
I have a lot on my mind tonight so I am spilling sorry. I called my mom yesterday and today but she has not called me back so I think she is drinking again. Damn it, she was doing so good too. I hate when I get my hopes up and they just get crushed. Why can't I just put a wall up to it, seperate myself from it. Why can't she just want to stop? I know these answers but still it is so frustrating to watch her throw her life away or should i say drink it away. I don't think she even realizes how much it is hurting her and the family, how much she has missed out on and how much she will miss out on if she continues. I would give just about anything right now to have my mother, to be able to have a decent conversation with her. What is sad is that I can't even have that anymore when she is sober. She is too far gone. Damn it. Why can't my dad still be here to talk to me, to help me! I miss him so much. He really did keep a lot of this stuff with my mother away from me as best as he could. I just want to give him a hug again and hear his silly stories over and over again. I want to tell him thank you.
Why can't life be simple and happy like the fairytales they read you when you are little, granted some off them are pretty nasty and aren't all that happy but what about the ones that are. Ah to have that dream again, like when we were little and so naive, thinking the world was wonderful and life would be easy but I guess it never really is, is it?