(no subject)
This entry just got very long and rambly and unfocused, but Nadia always complains that I never write anything about what's really going on in my life or my head, so...this is for you, Nadia!
I'm going insane.
To be specific, my parents are slowly but surely driving me insane. The worst part of it is, they mean well, so I can't complain about it. They hover, for lack of a better word, around me constantly, not realizing that the constant attention, the constant presence of someone is just as bad as being alone all the time, because it makes me wish I were completely alone. And I don't really want that, except right now, I do. I want some peace, some time to think (or not, as the case may be) without someone constantly talking about something else or wanting me to do something else or go somewhere or watch something or look something up on the internet or come out and see why the peach tree is dying (hello? black thumb of death here? you want me to find out why the tree is dying?) or whatever. It's making me nervous and jittery and on edge, because every time my mind gets into this happy absence-of-thought place, someone says something and I have to focus again, and I can't ever just relax or have a complete thought that's my own.
The whole situation is worse because my mom is home all day, which means that this entire summer, she's been within about fifty feet of me every single day. Part of that is my fault - I never went anywhere on my own, I never made the effort to contact any of my friends who were in town, I didn't want to see anyone or explain anything, because it was too much work and I didn't know what to say and anyway, it was a million and one degrees outside, and just going out was enough to make my head ache. Part of it, though, had to do with the fact that every time I mentioned that I needed to go shopping, she assumed that meant shopping with her. Every time she needed to run errands, she wanted me to go with her. It was like we were joined at the hip. And I'm not used to that much human contact!
The thing is, I've never HAD that much human contact. Even when I was little, both my parents used to work (this was back when I was in elementary, and part of the way through middle school). I'd leave for school after they'd left for work, and I'd come home from school several hours before they came home. And during the summers, I'd stay home alone all day (it's a miracle, considering my track record in the kitchen, that I didn't burn the house down). That plus being an only child in general has made me more accustomed to having a good deal of "alone time" (having a roommate in college was...very hard, especially freshman and sophomore year when my roommates never left the room (especially sophomore year when my roommate was going through depression herself and slept all day long, and stayed up all night doing her homework. I spent a lot of time in the library that year.)) So being around people 24/7 is a little unsettling for me, even if they are just my parents, and unnerving, but if I say something (and I have before) my parents get all offended (they grew up surrounded by people, so this is something they just don't get), so it's better if I just don't say anything at all. Better, but very very frustrating.
Have I mentioned that my parents are planning on spending a lot more time with me this year, in the hopes that I don't have a repeat of last year? I appreciate it (because I was so very lonely - it was the opposite end of the spectrum, literally, there were times when I didn't leave my apartment, or wear clothes that weren't pajamas, for a week straight, and while I like my alone time, there is such a thing as TOO much alone time, and not seeing a single living thing for seven days pretty much qualifies) - but at the same time, I'm going to be with my mother in a one bedroom apartment pretty much all day long every day. We are going to drive each other insane. At least I'll have something to do (I'll be studying all day) - but since she's not going to have her car, and she's afraid of mine, she won't have a way of leaving the apartment without me, and we are going to get some serious cases of cabin fever. If I suddenly stop posting or commenting, you will know it is because my mother has killed me.
On the plus side, since I'm only going to be in Dallas for required things (labs and stuff that's attendance based), I'll be coming to Houston more often, which is nice since I really don't like Dallas all that much (it's rather conservative, and I'm so not, for one, and it's very small-town, and I like my big cities). I never thought I'd miss Houston. In fact, I don't think I did miss Houston, but I just grew to hate Dallas so much that Houston looked good in comparison, freeways, big huge roaches, smog and all. Ok maybe NOT the roaches, I could do without those.
I have to go back...Sunday; classes start Monday. And I'm dreading it. So much; I think I'm getting an ulcer. I've never been good at facing things; I'm like an ostrich, hiding my head in the sand and hoping it will all go away. Unfortunately, this strategy gets me into a lot of trouble, because things rarely ever just go away. This time I'm avoiding making a decision about whether or not med school is the right choice for me - I don't know if it is. I kind of suspect it isn't, but I don't know what else I would do instead, because my entire life, I've thought this is what I was supposed to do. There was no backup plan, really. And I don't know where to start to find out, and almost-24 and two years into post-graduate school is too late to start questioning what you want to do with your life, that's the kind of thing you're supposed to do when you're 19 and in college and picking a major or whatever. I think once upon a time I used to have an interest in this stuff, but the whole premed/med school process has burnt every last bit of it out of me, and...the only way I can redo this year, and do the next at least five years is if I'm interested in the subject. Somehow I have to rekindle that interest, and I don't know how or where to begin with that. So that's where I stand careerwise.
I don't even know how I'm going to handle school itself. I'm just happy that they didn't take the Wellbutrin away from me (in fact, the psychiatrist said if I wanted a higher dose once classes started I could email her (email!) and she would give me more, and yay!) My parents were hoping that they would at least lower the dose, but I'm very happy that they didn't, because I'm counting on that to at least help me through the first couple of months, which I anticipate will be the worst.
I'm going to end this before it gets even more tl;dr - it already is, pretty much.
I'm going insane.
To be specific, my parents are slowly but surely driving me insane. The worst part of it is, they mean well, so I can't complain about it. They hover, for lack of a better word, around me constantly, not realizing that the constant attention, the constant presence of someone is just as bad as being alone all the time, because it makes me wish I were completely alone. And I don't really want that, except right now, I do. I want some peace, some time to think (or not, as the case may be) without someone constantly talking about something else or wanting me to do something else or go somewhere or watch something or look something up on the internet or come out and see why the peach tree is dying (hello? black thumb of death here? you want me to find out why the tree is dying?) or whatever. It's making me nervous and jittery and on edge, because every time my mind gets into this happy absence-of-thought place, someone says something and I have to focus again, and I can't ever just relax or have a complete thought that's my own.
The whole situation is worse because my mom is home all day, which means that this entire summer, she's been within about fifty feet of me every single day. Part of that is my fault - I never went anywhere on my own, I never made the effort to contact any of my friends who were in town, I didn't want to see anyone or explain anything, because it was too much work and I didn't know what to say and anyway, it was a million and one degrees outside, and just going out was enough to make my head ache. Part of it, though, had to do with the fact that every time I mentioned that I needed to go shopping, she assumed that meant shopping with her. Every time she needed to run errands, she wanted me to go with her. It was like we were joined at the hip. And I'm not used to that much human contact!
The thing is, I've never HAD that much human contact. Even when I was little, both my parents used to work (this was back when I was in elementary, and part of the way through middle school). I'd leave for school after they'd left for work, and I'd come home from school several hours before they came home. And during the summers, I'd stay home alone all day (it's a miracle, considering my track record in the kitchen, that I didn't burn the house down). That plus being an only child in general has made me more accustomed to having a good deal of "alone time" (having a roommate in college was...very hard, especially freshman and sophomore year when my roommates never left the room (especially sophomore year when my roommate was going through depression herself and slept all day long, and stayed up all night doing her homework. I spent a lot of time in the library that year.)) So being around people 24/7 is a little unsettling for me, even if they are just my parents, and unnerving, but if I say something (and I have before) my parents get all offended (they grew up surrounded by people, so this is something they just don't get), so it's better if I just don't say anything at all. Better, but very very frustrating.
Have I mentioned that my parents are planning on spending a lot more time with me this year, in the hopes that I don't have a repeat of last year? I appreciate it (because I was so very lonely - it was the opposite end of the spectrum, literally, there were times when I didn't leave my apartment, or wear clothes that weren't pajamas, for a week straight, and while I like my alone time, there is such a thing as TOO much alone time, and not seeing a single living thing for seven days pretty much qualifies) - but at the same time, I'm going to be with my mother in a one bedroom apartment pretty much all day long every day. We are going to drive each other insane. At least I'll have something to do (I'll be studying all day) - but since she's not going to have her car, and she's afraid of mine, she won't have a way of leaving the apartment without me, and we are going to get some serious cases of cabin fever. If I suddenly stop posting or commenting, you will know it is because my mother has killed me.
On the plus side, since I'm only going to be in Dallas for required things (labs and stuff that's attendance based), I'll be coming to Houston more often, which is nice since I really don't like Dallas all that much (it's rather conservative, and I'm so not, for one, and it's very small-town, and I like my big cities). I never thought I'd miss Houston. In fact, I don't think I did miss Houston, but I just grew to hate Dallas so much that Houston looked good in comparison, freeways, big huge roaches, smog and all. Ok maybe NOT the roaches, I could do without those.
I have to go back...Sunday; classes start Monday. And I'm dreading it. So much; I think I'm getting an ulcer. I've never been good at facing things; I'm like an ostrich, hiding my head in the sand and hoping it will all go away. Unfortunately, this strategy gets me into a lot of trouble, because things rarely ever just go away. This time I'm avoiding making a decision about whether or not med school is the right choice for me - I don't know if it is. I kind of suspect it isn't, but I don't know what else I would do instead, because my entire life, I've thought this is what I was supposed to do. There was no backup plan, really. And I don't know where to start to find out, and almost-24 and two years into post-graduate school is too late to start questioning what you want to do with your life, that's the kind of thing you're supposed to do when you're 19 and in college and picking a major or whatever. I think once upon a time I used to have an interest in this stuff, but the whole premed/med school process has burnt every last bit of it out of me, and...the only way I can redo this year, and do the next at least five years is if I'm interested in the subject. Somehow I have to rekindle that interest, and I don't know how or where to begin with that. So that's where I stand careerwise.
I don't even know how I'm going to handle school itself. I'm just happy that they didn't take the Wellbutrin away from me (in fact, the psychiatrist said if I wanted a higher dose once classes started I could email her (email!) and she would give me more, and yay!) My parents were hoping that they would at least lower the dose, but I'm very happy that they didn't, because I'm counting on that to at least help me through the first couple of months, which I anticipate will be the worst.
I'm going to end this before it gets even more tl;dr - it already is, pretty much.