I hope to God I never see him.
It was cold today. As cold as it's been in a long time. Colder than yesterday. I forgot my coat. Wore a hoodie. Smoked in the car with the heat full blast and the window cracked. The cold just crept up on me somehow. Didn't think it would happen so soon. Talked to a forgotten friend last night. Says she's fine. I brought up his name in conversation. She said nothing. Thought she might have missed it so I said it again. She acknowledged it this time, but passed it by like a car-wreck. I'll let it slide this time. I wondered out loud what it would be like to see him again. To see his face and speak his name outloud. To say hi. So much in one little word. With that word, I would throw up all of the late night chinese take-out, and the Blue Moons, and vodkas with a slice of lime and the movies not watched and the washing his hair and the dancing in my room and the purple sheets on my bed. Mixed withe the bitter aftertaste of love lost to seperate cities distanced apart and long drives, not knowing what to say on empty phone lines and sketchy emails and love-making to fill silences where we couldn't speak our feelings of being lost to one another. All of this would be exposed in a simple hello. Would the new girl be witness to it all? Would she notice? Would she see in my shining eyes a glimpse of the past that we shared and a year that will not go softly into that great night? Will he see that my love has not faltered or crept away as he would have liked? I had hoped our absence would have filled these great holes in my souls. But as the nights grow colder, my bed feels larger and my heart beats slower, while the tears keep falling.