(no subject)
Andrew and I went to see The Hobbit 3: Battle of the Five Penis Sizes this weekend, and though there are many things I could say about it, I will try to keep my remarks short.
-While I didn't hate the movie, it felt wholly unnecessary. Jackson could have (and probably should have) cut out (among other things) alllll the slooooow moooootion reaction shots, the entire ~love triangle~ (UGH) with Tauriel, most of Thorin's battle with the pale orc, all of Legolas' battle with that other orc, any shot of Bard's kids in peril (because, let's be real, they weren't going to die), about 30% of Thorin's subborn stupidity, and just made two movies. The defeat of Smaug should have been in the second movie (if he was going to stick with three, which he soooo did not need to) because it felt super out of place at the beginning of this one. But, because he had to have a trilogy, this movie was moslty filler and felt like it. Also, Bilbo, despite being the title character, was hardly even in it.
-They spent FOREVER bitching about the Arkenstone, and then I have no idea what happened to it after the battle. In fact, there was almost no information about what anyone did after the battle: Who was king under the mountain? Did the dwarves stay there? Did Thranduil get his shiny jewels back? Did the people from Laketown stay in Dale? Did they ever get their share of the gold? Andrew answered those questions for me, because he read the book (and remembers it) but why the fuck wasn't that in the movie? Oh, right, we had to have ~love~ and unnecessary CGI orc battles. (I suddenly realize what it's like to watch a Harry Potter movie without having read the books...)
-The best parts where: Galadriel banishing Sauron (this added plot totally made sense, tied the movie to the LotR trilogy, and can stay), Thranduil being fabulous, Bilbo continuing to be the ONLY character with any brains at all (well, him and Bard), and surprise!Billy Connolly, ridiing the Hog of War.
-In a related story, they killed both the Hog of War and Thranduil's elk. NOT COOL. I do not support the killing of that magnificent elk.
-Basically, the message I left this movie with, was that men are idiots. (And by men, I mean males of any race, not human men). For the solid half our of movie when Thorin was holed up under the mountain, and Thranduil and Bard and Gandalf and everyone were all arguing about who got the gold and if the orcs were coming and who to believe and who to go to war with, I stopped watching, stared at the ceiling of the theater, and wished that they would all just whip out their penises and be done with it. Seriously, it was so irritating. Is that extended pissing contest in the book? Because if it is, that explains (again) why I hated it to much and wished the dragon had eaten all the dwarfs.
-In order to end on a high note, I will leave you with some pictures of the baddest badass on the block, who should be in ALL the movies EVER:
Look at her carrying Gandalf like he weighs nothing.
Don't worry Gans, I came to save your sorry ass. And I didn't come alone, because I'm not an idiot like you.
She almost literally said, "Begone, you have no power here!"
The face you don't want to mess with.
Please observe Galadriel, standing before Sauron and banishing him to Mordor, while all the other guys just keep out of frame and watch her work.
P.S. Still the most fabulous, even when he's being kind of a jerk:
-While I didn't hate the movie, it felt wholly unnecessary. Jackson could have (and probably should have) cut out (among other things) alllll the slooooow moooootion reaction shots, the entire ~love triangle~ (UGH) with Tauriel, most of Thorin's battle with the pale orc, all of Legolas' battle with that other orc, any shot of Bard's kids in peril (because, let's be real, they weren't going to die), about 30% of Thorin's subborn stupidity, and just made two movies. The defeat of Smaug should have been in the second movie (if he was going to stick with three, which he soooo did not need to) because it felt super out of place at the beginning of this one. But, because he had to have a trilogy, this movie was moslty filler and felt like it. Also, Bilbo, despite being the title character, was hardly even in it.
-They spent FOREVER bitching about the Arkenstone, and then I have no idea what happened to it after the battle. In fact, there was almost no information about what anyone did after the battle: Who was king under the mountain? Did the dwarves stay there? Did Thranduil get his shiny jewels back? Did the people from Laketown stay in Dale? Did they ever get their share of the gold? Andrew answered those questions for me, because he read the book (and remembers it) but why the fuck wasn't that in the movie? Oh, right, we had to have ~love~ and unnecessary CGI orc battles. (I suddenly realize what it's like to watch a Harry Potter movie without having read the books...)
-The best parts where: Galadriel banishing Sauron (this added plot totally made sense, tied the movie to the LotR trilogy, and can stay), Thranduil being fabulous, Bilbo continuing to be the ONLY character with any brains at all (well, him and Bard), and surprise!Billy Connolly, ridiing the Hog of War.
-In a related story, they killed both the Hog of War and Thranduil's elk. NOT COOL. I do not support the killing of that magnificent elk.
-Basically, the message I left this movie with, was that men are idiots. (And by men, I mean males of any race, not human men). For the solid half our of movie when Thorin was holed up under the mountain, and Thranduil and Bard and Gandalf and everyone were all arguing about who got the gold and if the orcs were coming and who to believe and who to go to war with, I stopped watching, stared at the ceiling of the theater, and wished that they would all just whip out their penises and be done with it. Seriously, it was so irritating. Is that extended pissing contest in the book? Because if it is, that explains (again) why I hated it to much and wished the dragon had eaten all the dwarfs.
-In order to end on a high note, I will leave you with some pictures of the baddest badass on the block, who should be in ALL the movies EVER:
Look at her carrying Gandalf like he weighs nothing.
Don't worry Gans, I came to save your sorry ass. And I didn't come alone, because I'm not an idiot like you.
She almost literally said, "Begone, you have no power here!"
The face you don't want to mess with.
Please observe Galadriel, standing before Sauron and banishing him to Mordor, while all the other guys just keep out of frame and watch her work.
P.S. Still the most fabulous, even when he's being kind of a jerk: