Writer's Block: Remembering mom

[legs104]

It's not my favourite... but it stands out because of reading Becky's post...  She was in the hospital bed and daddy and I stood her up for a minute just to see if she would do anything... of course she wasn't going to but when you are as desperate for a sign as we were you do stupid things.  She got really fatigued and so we sat her down on the bed.... I sat behind her and leaned her into my arms like a child.  I held her like that for such a long time... the role reversal was complete at that point... I was holding her with everything I had left trying to protect her like a mother...

I can still feel her around. I think that's why I haven't cried yet... well I've cried of course... but it's never been full on hysteria because I stop myself before it gets there.  When I watch TV I can feel her sitting in her chair... and when I'm in the garden it's as if she is behind me but when I turn around she isn't there.  I feel like if I stood up I could walk into the kitchen and she would be there making tea asking me if I want some.  Doing the things that she liked to do like sewing or reading is my way of holding on to her so that she can never get too far away.  I know that at some point she was reading the same page as me, or at the same point in a project and it's comforting.

I just wish that I could cry... maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much