To Jerry Butler, wherever you are
I guess I should make one thing clear right off the bat. I mean the porn star, not the singer. I don't know much about the singer. The porn star, though, is always going to be someone kind of special for me. No, not like that, get that one out of your heads right now. I guess he's kind of what you'd call mine and Golumette's mentor and role model, sort of.
I remember back when Golumette and I first got together, I took Mixter's lead, went the distance and got cable, complete with Escapade. Remember Escapade, any of you? One of the real early cable networks, which even predated MTV. Video killed the radio star, but nowadays, of course, it looks like internet killed the video star. Yeah, the video star's getting a lot more exposure on YouTube and such, but how much of that puts any money in said video star's pocket? Or even their producers and agents pockets? That guy that did the dance to that weird Numa Numa song a few years back would probably be recognized just about anywhere on the planet, but I really wonder whether he ever ended up getting dime one for that video, even after he pretty much singlehandedly rocketed that weird little song into the global spotlight, where it topped the world charts for a whole summer. The song made a fortune, I'm pretty sure, but I wonder if that guy ever got anything other than maybe emails and tweets from fans.
Anyway, though, Golumette was a little slow to warm up to the idea of sex at first, and I kind of hoped something like Escapade might help. It kind of predated VCRs, except maybe the old Betamax units, which I couldn't afford at the time. And there was no way she would of gone with me downtown to a theatre full of dirty old men, or even to the old Star View, when it was still around. Surely you guys must at least remember the old Star View Drive-in. Me, I used to hop the bus or my bike over that way, sneak in through an opening in the fence that I'm sure they never knew about, and do my best to get an education. And naturally, I'd end up leaving with both heads full of big ideas with noplace to go, LOL.
And while Escapade helped get Golumette's interest a little better, she never really got into it the way I did, until we saw The Pink Lagoon. Jerry Butler really got her interest, partly because he was pretty good looking and had a great build on him, but it was more than that. There was just something about him that seemed to go a ways deeper (no pun intended) then any other male porn star we'd ever seen. She was hooked instantly, though, so I had to find out who the hell he was and what else he'd done. Which wasn't easy back then, because they'd never show the acting credits at the end of these things. There was a handful of names in the cable guide, but no way of knowing whether he was Jerry Butler, Jay Serling or Ron Jeremy. I did find a handful of other stuff coming on with Ron Jeremy in it, so I pretty much figured out right off the bat that it wasn't him. He's been in tons of stuff over the years, but frankly, the guy's kind of butt ugly, and Golumette said he turned her off, even though he's hung like a horse and all, which I couldn't blame her for. He turns me off, too, but hey, being a guy, they kind of all do, heh.
I definitely liked the effect this guy had on her, though, so I started asking around, and it turned out that I was like the last one I knew to find out his name was Jerry Butler, and he'd also been in a ton of stuff. So then it wasn't too hard to find other stuff with him in it. Which I did. And as soon as VHS machines came out, which were a lot cheaper than Betamax, even though all the purists said they were crappy and everything, they did the job, which was to record whatever you wanted to watch, so you could play it back whenever you were free to watch it. Which got to be like the best thing about Escapade. We'd set it on the timer to record movies that came on when we were at work or school or the kids were up and underfoot, then be able to play them back once we managed to get time alone together. Which was a great way for a young married couple with a tight schedule to be, basically.
And since Jerry Butler seemed to do it for her like nobody else, naturally, I started paying close attention to him, trying to figure out what exactly it was about him. I mean, yeah, he's good looking, but not the best I've ever seen, or even what she claimed was the physical type she was usually most attracted to right off the bat. I knew it wasn't the obvious, though, because without bragging or anything, he's not even quite as big as I am, let alone the biggest I've ever seen. I've heard it said, though, that it ain't so much the size of your weapon, but how you use it that makes the difference, and I think there's a whole lot of truth to that. This guy's got technique that's not like most other porn stars. Not the usual slam, bam, thank you ma'am that most of us come to expect. He acts like he's pretty in tune with whatever partner he's with, and more interested in pleasing her then getting off himself. Which was what finally came to me with a bang, that was what she felt we were missing. I wasn't tuning into her quite as much as I maybe should be. So I started doing my best to pay more attention to her end of it, and be as much like he would as I could manage. Which paid off in spades, without going into too much detail.
It really floored me, though, a few years down the road when they came out with all those "WWJD" necklaces, bracelets, keychains and such, because all I could think of was, "What Would Jerry Do?" Which had kind of come to be my approach between the sheets, basically.
And it's not just the guy's technique, really. Somehow, he's got a way of adding way more depth and dimension to his characters then any other actor I've ever seen in the business. For most of them, the set and dialogue are strictly something to hold the sex together and make it look like it's got some point other than just bodies slamming into each other for no reason. Which is fun in its own right, naturally, but I guess that one's more a guy thing than a couples or ladies thing. I think Billy Crystal said it best, that women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place.
And watching Jerry Butler's work, which I've been doing a lot of lately, largely for nostalgic reasons, but partly because you can get most of it on DVD now, if you know where to look, his whole approach was to treat each of his characters as if they actually existed as a person, someplace outside the screenwriter's and director's imagination. Which is the way "legit" actors usually approach their characters. And somehow, it makes it seem like he doesn't even really fit into the whole porn industry. But yet, I think he's added more to it then any other actor ever has.
Then very recently, a friend loaned me his book, Raw Talent, which I read in a few hours, because I couldn't put it down. I was fascinated, and dying to know what made a guy like him tick, and what made him stand out so much from every other actor I've ever seen in the business. And I wasn't disappointed, for the most part. My only real complaint was, a few of his negative comments about a few female costars, he'd of been much better off leaving out. They really don't add to the book overall, there are a lot of other ways he could of put a few things, and face it, that's kind of unprofessional and ungentlemanly. Which I was disappointed about, because onscreen, one of his biggest allures is that he comes off as professional and gentlemanly to the point where it seems almost out of place in porn, but greatly appreciated by the ladies, at least.
I was able to find a few reviews of this book online, and one thing that kind of floors me is that a few of the reviewers call him narcissistic, which I think is about as far off the mark as you could possibly get. I don't think he's narcissistic at all, because that insinuates having such an intense love for himself that he can't even see past it, let alone get past it. I don't think he's in love with himself at all. On the contrary, I get the distinct impression that he don't even like himself. Why do I say that? Because I recognize it. It's kind of a common thread running between him, me, and a handful of people I've known over the years. He's the only one who ever went into the porn industry, obviously, but I see that same common thread of risk-taking, thrill-seeking, self-destructive behavior that seems to go hand in hand with a psyche being wounded at a very early age by waking up certain feelings and sensations that a young kid's not remotely equipped to handle or deal with yet.
In his case, he seems to have stumbled upon these feelings on his own, as did one other friend that I know of, but for the rest of us, one or more people in our lives woke them up way the hell ahead of schedule. And somehow, those feelings have a way of manifesting themselves in weird ways, because as I said, young kids are in no way equipped or prepared to understand or deal with them.
They're pleasurable physical sensations that are meant to go hand in hand with love, on an adult level. And once awakened, there's no turning back. They stay awakened, and periodically scream to be fed every so often just like that proverbial beaver on your back that normally screams at you after you find out for sure what those feelings and sensations are all about.
And sometimes they'll make a kid take up masturbating ahead of schedule, if that kid's lucky. More often, though, he doesn't stumble onto that connection until a few years down the road. So he tends to act out in other ways. For me, it was drugs, smoking and running with the worst crowd I could possibly find. Partly trying to outrun feelings I couldn't even begin to understand, and partly looking for love and true acceptance, which I really didn't feel worthy of. And I didn't understand that for a long time, either.
And that, I think, is the bottom line of what drew this guy to keep going back to porn and coke both. Feeling unworthy of true love, but being hopelessly compelled to keep searching for it in negative ways. Never really liking himself, let alone loving himself, despite the long, glaring list of his accomplishments and everything he's added to the industry over the years. Or the fact that if not for so many of the powers that be in the industry being evil, he definitely had enough talent that he could of made it as a legit actor, and undoubtedly done well at it, not to mention been a hell of a lot better then a lot of actors who ended up making big names for themselves because Hollywood said so, or they were willing to play the game or whatever. I've never for the life of me been able to understand how some of them ever got where they did, because frankly, I've got more talent then they do. And most people I know don't like them any better then I do, but hey, there they are on your damn screen again, being rammed down your throat once again by the industry.
I honestly hope that sooner or later, he manages to come to terms with everything, and at least accept himself, if not learn to actually like, and ideally love, himself. Face it, even though he's pretty permanently associated with what's considered a dirty business, he's really not one of the ones making it dirty. That one's the sleazebags in charge of it, who refuse to take care of the people who have made them the rich fat cats that they are. And I hope he's got the godgiven sense to protect himself out there, and hopefully does whatever he can to push the industry into a little more safety for everyone involved, because face it, there's nothing sleazy about him or what he does. He just has the balls to do it on screen, and bring a certain depth and class into it that nobody else in the industry ever has.
And even though he doesn't seem to feel good about the fact that he keeps returning to the industry, which a big part of him seems to hate, I hope he at least realizes how much he's given to it. Jerry/Paul, if you're out there, and reading this, which I hope you will, even though you and the industry have gotten a bad rap, keep in mind that you've educated and entertained countless couples over the years, and helped teach countless more of us a lot of helpful techniques and such. And face it, what's so bad about that, honestly? There are a whole lot worse ways you could of acted out on those same feelings, that could of hurt a whole lot more people than anything you ever did on film.
I hope someday you manage to find the love and acceptance you're really looking for, and that you have the godgiven sense to know how to hang onto it and accept it when you do.