Again...
I just made the second worst mistake in my whole life. The first being a conversation in Publix months ago that makes me want to cry when I think about it. I already regret doing what I did. I know it was wrong, I knew it was wrong the second I heard myself say it. I didn't mean to say it, I didn't know I was going to. I didn't think, I just spoke, I shouldn't have. I was wrong, I know that I made a huge mistake and I am so so sorry. I feel like a relationship in my lie is crumbling. I don't want it to. I want it to be strong but right now, I seem to be doing everything wrong and that doesn't make anything better. This is not something I want to mess up. I will have this for the rest of my life. I want it to be perfect, I want it to be special, I want it to be magical and I feel that lately I have done everything the total opposite of that. I feel like I am not showing my true feelings. I feel like I am lying to myself. I know I am hurting the other person and myself in the process. I can't take it. I want things to be better but I can't seem to let that happen. Whenever I say or do something it is wrong, nothing I do is right anymore. I wish they knew how much I want to work this out, how much I want things to be perfect. I want them to know how all I want to do is meant to be wonderful but I can never carry it out. I'm bad at this stuff. I can't seem to get anything right. I am ruining my own relationship. One of my most treasured relationships, I can't even keep that working, I have to go and mess that up to. I am beginng to feel like I am worthless, like I can't do anything, that I don't try enough. Maybe that's it, I don't try. I don't think that is it though, I do try because I want this to work...