2 long, lonely years.
It's been two years since Caroline cheated on me for the third time, and then left me. Two years since anyone, with any sincerity told me that they loved me. Since then, I have gone from having £8,000 in savings, to being -£9,000 in debt on credit cards. I have made multiple attempts at finding love since, and with each one, I grew slowly more misogynistic. My personality has changed, for the worse. I dislike the person I am now, but can't change how I feel about the world, people or myself.
Over the last two weeks, I've been crying a lot more than I'd like to admit, not actually over heart ache and a lack of having a partner anymore, but generally when memories of my cousin are spurred in my mind by songs or smells. I spend every evening in my bedroom, slowly attempting to pay off my debts by not going out and spending, but in doing that, i've picked up a bad habit of going onto cam sites, paying women 4-5 dollars a minute to do as I ask and well, you can guess the rest of the nitty gritty. It's pretty sad when I think about it, but it's the closest thing to sexual contact I can get with women I find remotely attractive. I canceled my account the other day, it's like withdrawal, I keep finding myself typing the domain almost as often as I type facebook, it's a really hard habit to kick. Luckily my account had accrued discounts, though repeated use, and having to build that back up again would cost thousands of pounds I don't have access to, so that is keeping me of them.
3 weeks ago, I was in agonizing pain with a molar tooth, not having been to the dentist in 15 years, it's hardly surprising. Sick of waiting for an NHS dentist (i've been on a waiting list for 3 years), I went private, and have paid £150 out of £500 for some treatments I'm having. On Monday morning I had a molar removed. It was the single most painful experience of my life, even with 4 doses of anesthetic, I felt nearly everything, as he was removing the tooth, he snapped off the top, meaning he had to dig the roots of my tooth out of my jaw bone. I hated the dentist when I was 10. I hate the dentist now, not for the pain, but the anxiety I feel while in that room.
On the pain front, I quite enjoy it, and spent 3 hours 2 weeks ago getting the start of a sleeve done.
It's a nautilus shell, hopefully I'll get another 3-4 hours done as soon as I can afford it.
Aside from the above, my dog who has cancer is still alive, yet I'm beginning to see signs, only slight ones, that she's getting a little uncomfortable, even with medicine. Not looking forward to the start of next year. I'd rather not give my best friend a death sentence.
I have had the most disgusting taste in my mouth, caused by the gaping hole in my gum leaking puss while it's healing, I keep knocking it, but at least it isn't bleeding.
I should currently be working on an iPhone game for my work, but am procrastinating half out of tiredness and half out of complete and utter disdain for my boss. I've been doing obseen amounts of unpaid overtime, and if I don't receive reward when the game is finally released, I shall a) burn the office down, with my boss tied up inside, b) quit, or c) continue to work while secretly producing my own titles, until which a time comes where my own projects earn enough money to pay my bills, then i'll quit.
C seems like the most logical solution to my problems, but A seems far more favorable at the moment.
Not too long ago, I noticed that Stacy, the girl I'd bought a flight to Paris for had removed me from facebook. I wasn't happy, she still has my manga. So I played it coy and sent her an sms, claiming I'd tried to post a message on her facebook wall but couldn't because we were no longer friends. She replied saying she'd been going through a rough time and had deleted all her friends from facebook. She did readd me, a few weeks later, but has her profile set so you can't see her friends, I currently doubt that she'd deleted all her friends, but expect she was trying to save face.
We've been talking for a while, and she's recently just broken up with her boyfriend, but is still living with him, I've been quite supportive, not really pushing any boundarys but just trying to be a friend. I want my naruto manga's back. We are going to meet up in January in Bristol. I'm not sure it's a good idea, but, hell, worst case scenario, I'd accidentally run into her ex/on off boyfriend and get to have a punch up. He's a total cunt. I'm not sure I'd ever take Stacy back, not that she's showing much inclination that she'd like that to happen, but she really hurt me, and stunted my confidence. I would never trust her with my heart again, but hell, shes gorgeous, funny and very very compatible with my sense of humour/personality. So we'll just see what happens. I wouldn't say no to stopping over 1 night...
I guess I should get to work. It's 11:30pm, I'm half way through the first harry potter film on the tv, just some noise to keep me company in the background. Fingers crossed I'll get this work done and get atleast 2 hours sleep before I have to put the half blood prince on. Work in the morning at 9, I think my mate is giving me a lift in however, so I could safely sleep for an hour in the back of his car, door to door from my house to works.
Over the last two weeks, I've been crying a lot more than I'd like to admit, not actually over heart ache and a lack of having a partner anymore, but generally when memories of my cousin are spurred in my mind by songs or smells. I spend every evening in my bedroom, slowly attempting to pay off my debts by not going out and spending, but in doing that, i've picked up a bad habit of going onto cam sites, paying women 4-5 dollars a minute to do as I ask and well, you can guess the rest of the nitty gritty. It's pretty sad when I think about it, but it's the closest thing to sexual contact I can get with women I find remotely attractive. I canceled my account the other day, it's like withdrawal, I keep finding myself typing the domain almost as often as I type facebook, it's a really hard habit to kick. Luckily my account had accrued discounts, though repeated use, and having to build that back up again would cost thousands of pounds I don't have access to, so that is keeping me of them.
3 weeks ago, I was in agonizing pain with a molar tooth, not having been to the dentist in 15 years, it's hardly surprising. Sick of waiting for an NHS dentist (i've been on a waiting list for 3 years), I went private, and have paid £150 out of £500 for some treatments I'm having. On Monday morning I had a molar removed. It was the single most painful experience of my life, even with 4 doses of anesthetic, I felt nearly everything, as he was removing the tooth, he snapped off the top, meaning he had to dig the roots of my tooth out of my jaw bone. I hated the dentist when I was 10. I hate the dentist now, not for the pain, but the anxiety I feel while in that room.
On the pain front, I quite enjoy it, and spent 3 hours 2 weeks ago getting the start of a sleeve done.
It's a nautilus shell, hopefully I'll get another 3-4 hours done as soon as I can afford it.
Aside from the above, my dog who has cancer is still alive, yet I'm beginning to see signs, only slight ones, that she's getting a little uncomfortable, even with medicine. Not looking forward to the start of next year. I'd rather not give my best friend a death sentence.
I have had the most disgusting taste in my mouth, caused by the gaping hole in my gum leaking puss while it's healing, I keep knocking it, but at least it isn't bleeding.
I should currently be working on an iPhone game for my work, but am procrastinating half out of tiredness and half out of complete and utter disdain for my boss. I've been doing obseen amounts of unpaid overtime, and if I don't receive reward when the game is finally released, I shall a) burn the office down, with my boss tied up inside, b) quit, or c) continue to work while secretly producing my own titles, until which a time comes where my own projects earn enough money to pay my bills, then i'll quit.
C seems like the most logical solution to my problems, but A seems far more favorable at the moment.
Not too long ago, I noticed that Stacy, the girl I'd bought a flight to Paris for had removed me from facebook. I wasn't happy, she still has my manga. So I played it coy and sent her an sms, claiming I'd tried to post a message on her facebook wall but couldn't because we were no longer friends. She replied saying she'd been going through a rough time and had deleted all her friends from facebook. She did readd me, a few weeks later, but has her profile set so you can't see her friends, I currently doubt that she'd deleted all her friends, but expect she was trying to save face.
We've been talking for a while, and she's recently just broken up with her boyfriend, but is still living with him, I've been quite supportive, not really pushing any boundarys but just trying to be a friend. I want my naruto manga's back. We are going to meet up in January in Bristol. I'm not sure it's a good idea, but, hell, worst case scenario, I'd accidentally run into her ex/on off boyfriend and get to have a punch up. He's a total cunt. I'm not sure I'd ever take Stacy back, not that she's showing much inclination that she'd like that to happen, but she really hurt me, and stunted my confidence. I would never trust her with my heart again, but hell, shes gorgeous, funny and very very compatible with my sense of humour/personality. So we'll just see what happens. I wouldn't say no to stopping over 1 night...
I guess I should get to work. It's 11:30pm, I'm half way through the first harry potter film on the tv, just some noise to keep me company in the background. Fingers crossed I'll get this work done and get atleast 2 hours sleep before I have to put the half blood prince on. Work in the morning at 9, I think my mate is giving me a lift in however, so I could safely sleep for an hour in the back of his car, door to door from my house to works.