(no subject)
today was better than most days at skool. there was a speaker person from hesser college in my jobs for bay state graduates class who told me that i am "cool, cool shit". its flattering...i ges i really have to finish doing this story for english...i started it but i didnt finish and we're reading them out loud in class and luckily i didnt get called on in class to read today. tomoro we are reading more of them so ill probably be called on to read. suckass. i feel like i want to disappear...like i want nothing to do with any waking moment. people suck. alot. i just feel so outa place most of the time...all of the time. i wish i came across a new feeling...a new emotion...one that is dreamy and happy and theres no such thing as severe depression...or crying yourself to sleep...i just want to be happy...always happy. i cant even say that i wish i was a little kid again because i had such a fuckin terrible childhood...there are a few good memorys but they are few and far in none. my childhood was filled with sexual verbal and physical abuse...i dont want that again. could this be the reason that im so screwed up now?? i dont know...i was too ashamed to even tell anne (my psychologist). i now wish i did. i wish i told her every fuckin last awful detail about every memory and event that happened. i wish she could tell me that its not my fault that all that shit happened...and i wish i could truly believe that it wasnt all my fault. i wish i knew it didnt happen because im an unwanted piece of shit. somewhere i know that it wasnt my fault but it still feels like i deserve it...and even if thats wrong...i still feel that i deserve it. whats the reason behind all of that shit happening?? why did it have to happen to me. right now i feel stupid for spilling my guts. but i wanna believe that if i let it out it will be like it never happened...but i know it did. there is no denying that. i remember anne...sitting in her white cushy chair...short red hair, hazel eyes, soft looking skin...legs crossed looking at me in sort of a curious manner...almost like she could see right thru me or something...but i know that she couldnt. she asked me in her soft accented voice "were you ever abused...sexually or mentally or physically as a child cheryl?" and i thought a minute...i thought about what my answer would be and what it would lead to if i said yes...so i took the easy way out and i said "no". just like that. like it had never fuckin happened to me...i regret that. i regret saying that stupid fuckin two letter word thats that same in so many languages...NO. i hardly eat anymore. today ive had two little things of apple sauce, a package of gummy fruits, and an antidepressant. ive probablt lost weight. im scared to weigh myself. i hate being this skinny. its gross. my bones jut out so much from every which way. if i lay on my back my stomach caves in...my rib cage sticks out and my hip bones look like two mount everests under my skin. i dont understand who would want that. i want to be 130-135 pounds again. its funny that even when i was that much...i still thought i was too skinny and now that i weigh around 105...im just utterly and totally repulsed. well...i should probably do my homework now. peace.