you jump one hallway, i jump 4 two...
It's really, technically the morning because this brilliant technicolor sun is rising outside the window of my most emptiest house - the "thug mansion." So, this post is mostly going to be about the past few months of my life and me sitting here listening to music, reflecting on where I am in my world and what I am doing. So if any of that sounds boring to you, I suggest you check out some other quality journal out.
Mostly, over the past few months I've grown accustomed to a life of working part-time, classes, homework, occasionally talking to people around/on campus and occasionally "at a party" or "spending time with the peeps' somewhere." This is fine, but I seem to have lost a good deal of myself in the process - as if each group I've broke into takes a piece of me in return. Every mannerism, thought, word I speak, imagining is entirely different than those of the person I was just as recently as 30 days ago. Perhaps, I haven't adequately conveyed myself, this is mildly disconcerting.
As if there weren't enough turbulence rockin the timothy plane, I don't even know what is up with all of these people I might have thought were friends. There are quite a few people from last year that I hardly ever ever see anymore, and if I do it's in a fairly overly-superficial way. Is our trailing off the result of my wandering off into other social scenes or is it a result of people having odd schedules and much less reason to see each other once you don't live right down the hall? Are most of my friendships the way they are just because it's convienent to have someone to hang out with that is nearby. How could I have got to this point in my life?
Is there more to think about? Absolutely. I hardly ever find time to play music anymore, which doesn't matter because I haven't wrote a song in 2 years, but even when I manage to play something that might make a good song I never work with it, I end up rambling and forgetting everything I did.
4 and a half years of playing should equate to some song writing ability. I mean, at least a bit.
so to wrap this all up in a sweet little kernel ; I feel storage, say do and think odd strange things, I do not know where many friends are, My life feels pointless without any sort of direction although I know when the time comes I will make a decision that will settle that. Funny thing developing a sense of self esteem, commitment to oneself and a bit of the ego padding can leave me feeling this particular way.
Irregardless, some things will never change about my behaviour. Who doesn't enjoy having the clueless puppy dog follow you about and sit next to you, eager for attention. Why, I'm sure my high school friends thought it was funny. I'm sure someone probably thinks it's funny now. But really, it wastes time and energy and makes social situations awkward. Something could be said here about living a life alone, with your friends is better than any other option you could pursue. But that's silly talk. To each their own and let us decide how we should do with ourselves to create our happiness. As long as we are not doing so as the expanse of unconditional others, I need sleep and a fall from grace and to be engrossed in learning SO MUCH MATHEMATICS for the next two weeks
questions : what am I doing all of this for? Is this all there is? Why am I bothering myself to think about some silly things so early in the morning? Did I act as much the fool as I expected and still manage to put a smile on enough people. Where can I get a decent backrub? Won't someone fuck social conventons over and rub a little bcl
<3 for people that read my livejouranal, and also for myself.
Mostly, over the past few months I've grown accustomed to a life of working part-time, classes, homework, occasionally talking to people around/on campus and occasionally "at a party" or "spending time with the peeps' somewhere." This is fine, but I seem to have lost a good deal of myself in the process - as if each group I've broke into takes a piece of me in return. Every mannerism, thought, word I speak, imagining is entirely different than those of the person I was just as recently as 30 days ago. Perhaps, I haven't adequately conveyed myself, this is mildly disconcerting.
As if there weren't enough turbulence rockin the timothy plane, I don't even know what is up with all of these people I might have thought were friends. There are quite a few people from last year that I hardly ever ever see anymore, and if I do it's in a fairly overly-superficial way. Is our trailing off the result of my wandering off into other social scenes or is it a result of people having odd schedules and much less reason to see each other once you don't live right down the hall? Are most of my friendships the way they are just because it's convienent to have someone to hang out with that is nearby. How could I have got to this point in my life?
Is there more to think about? Absolutely. I hardly ever find time to play music anymore, which doesn't matter because I haven't wrote a song in 2 years, but even when I manage to play something that might make a good song I never work with it, I end up rambling and forgetting everything I did.
4 and a half years of playing should equate to some song writing ability. I mean, at least a bit.
so to wrap this all up in a sweet little kernel ; I feel storage, say do and think odd strange things, I do not know where many friends are, My life feels pointless without any sort of direction although I know when the time comes I will make a decision that will settle that. Funny thing developing a sense of self esteem, commitment to oneself and a bit of the ego padding can leave me feeling this particular way.
Irregardless, some things will never change about my behaviour. Who doesn't enjoy having the clueless puppy dog follow you about and sit next to you, eager for attention. Why, I'm sure my high school friends thought it was funny. I'm sure someone probably thinks it's funny now. But really, it wastes time and energy and makes social situations awkward. Something could be said here about living a life alone, with your friends is better than any other option you could pursue. But that's silly talk. To each their own and let us decide how we should do with ourselves to create our happiness. As long as we are not doing so as the expanse of unconditional others, I need sleep and a fall from grace and to be engrossed in learning SO MUCH MATHEMATICS for the next two weeks
questions : what am I doing all of this for? Is this all there is? Why am I bothering myself to think about some silly things so early in the morning? Did I act as much the fool as I expected and still manage to put a smile on enough people. Where can I get a decent backrub? Won't someone fuck social conventons over and rub a little bcl
<3 for people that read my livejouranal, and also for myself.