So, I've finally seen it (CoE, ep 4)
I think the really difficult thing is that it actually was a really good episode. Not only was the story great, but for once, the J/I was spot on the whole way through -- why couldn't they have been like that in ep. 3? (Because Rusty edited out James Moran's relationship development, that's why!) And I should have been able to enjoy an episode like that, but I wasn't able to. I can often enjoy a good tragedy (hell, I love George R. R. Martin) but this was TOO MUCH. I don't know if this show can be fun for me anymore. It may well be a good show in the future -- it may well be a better show than it was before. But I can't see myself enjoying it. I want my stupid cracky show back where half the episodes were shit and Ianto was alive.
I think one of the worst things about this is that I do understand why Rusty did this, even though I think it was a really bad decision. When I first read the spoilers, I was devestated and mad and... guilty. Because in the last fic I wrote, I did almost exactly the same thing to Jack (though this is set 300 years in the future):
“I didn’t choose it,” said Jack suddenly, staring at the ceiling.
“Choose what?”
“Being on my own again. Free agent.”
“Ah.”
“There was a Rytellanian cruise ship on a diplomatic mission,” Jack continued. “Five months ago. Thought I’d take my latest team up there, let them enjoy the party, give them a chance to study some xenobiology.”
“What happened?”
Jack’s smile was humourless. “Gas leak. Not harmful to Rytellanians, so no warning that anything was wrong. We all went to sleep, and I woke up in the morgue. They didn’t wake up at all.”
I only posted this a couple of weeks ago, but this little exchange -- I wrote it in November last year. Fuck. Killing Ianto was a terrible decision for so many reasons, but I know exactly why he did it. He still shouldn't have done it though. It was too soon.
At the moment, I feel like I won't have the heart to write fic again anytime soon -- so those of you to whom I've promised fic, it may have to wait a little. At the moment I don't feel like I can write Torchwood/Who fic anymore (I might be able to manage SJA). Maybe I'll get over it, I don't know. I don't even have the heart to write HP fic, since my OTP there (R/S) ends tragically too. I never minded that before, because I came to HP fandom after both of them were dead -- I'd accepted it. But now...
On another note, I do love the point that demotu made that Gwen's racist joke in ep. 1 now has a point -- showing how easily ALL of us are willing to dismiss underprivleged children as "other" -- it's a subtle little point in there, that ALL of us in privileged groups do that sort of thing, we're all culpable in our own little ways. Wow.
Really this episode was brilliant. I just wish I could have enjoyed it.
ETA: This is my tissue pile from the beginning of the ep up until posting this:
If the tissues from this morning, when I first had the spoilers confirmed, were included, the pile would be twice as big. But we threw them out. I've NEVER cried this much over fiction in my life. The last time I can remember properly crying over fiction (rather than just a tear or two) was when I read The Amber Spyglass, but that was a satisfying tragedy, and the tears were cathartic. This... it just feels horrible. There's nothing satisfying about it.
ETA2: Up to this point, I've been ambivalent about Moffatt taking over Doctor Who -- neither for nor against, keeping an open mind. But now I say BRING IT ON. "Everybody lives" sounds pretty damn good right now. (And fuck, I won't even be able to watch The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances for ages now...)