Why Oh Why
It is times like this that I am glad I have this place to rant and rave about things that I don’t really want in the public domain, it does help to be able to just open my guts and ramble on as my friends get sick of me for going on like this to them.
As much as I try I still can’t shake this feeling of loss and I fear it is beginning to eat me up inside. Maybe it is just the jealously which is eating me up and as much as I keep telling myself there is nothing to be jealous of I find things going around my head and this in turn gets me thinking about things and the whole cycle beings again. I know this is self-destructive but in my eyes I feel that this is the beginning of the end of a friendship, it has only been just over a week since I got back from Spain and in that time the amount of contact between us has dramatically reduced, this is from someone who always carries her mobile phone around with her and will reply to a txt message as soon as she receives one. There has been an instance when I have sent a message and received nothing back whatsoever.
Rather strange last night as she sends me a message asking “Is everything ok?” I thought this was a strange message to send to me last night when I know that one of her other male friends was due to call around as I would have thought she would have been preoccupied with them and not worrying about what I was up to? So this gets my mind working overtime (which is one of my faults) and I am wondering if this guy who was due to be calling around has had anything to do with it as I believe he is her current ‘significant other’ so he may well have been asking what her ‘ex’ thought of things and how I had taken this news? Of course I am only guessing as she has not told me that she is going out with anyone in fact in the past she has told me that men complicate things and she would rather remain single. I replied to her message of course telling her everything was fine and she replied, “No just thought something was up. You would tell me if there was”.
Of course I wonder why this was brought up last night with so many other people contacting her (as I discovered when I was up there on Wednesday) it makes me wonder why I suddenly become important enough to merit a message or two.
If I am honest I am upset, I was upset on Wednesday for many different reasons, forgetting the jealously for a bit I was annoyed that because of this other guy phoning her on Wednesday night (asking for her to blow a kiss down the phone) that she turned off both her mobiles. The reason this hurt so much is when I came to leave she told me not to bother sending a message to let her know that I was home safe as her phones were switched off so she would not get the message. Now it has been close to a year since we first met up in person and since then every time I have left her house she has asked me to send a message to let her know that I have arrived home safe, so there is a change already she could have left one of her phones on silent and checked in around the time I would have gotten home but she didn’t, plus switching her mobiles off would not have stopped this guy from phoning the house phone which he did after midnight. She did tell me that he would carry on phoning her if she did not switch the phones off and I know he was like this before she met up with him always phoning and sending messages to her once he had left the pub and this used to annoy her so what has changed. I know that she met up with him while I was in Spain and within less than two weeks he has been invited around the house and no doubt these telephone calls are a regular nightly feature, when he is not there of course!
There is a part of me that wants to leave her contact me as every time I send a message I feel that in someway I am intruding or being a pest and that is the last thing that I want to do but then again if I change my routine (I would normally send a message during the day asking how she is) she will begin to wonder what is wrong with me but then again I really do wonder if she would even notice the lack of contact from me, it is one of those awkward situations and I really don’t know what to do? I have sent a message to her already today nearly an hour and a half ago, knowing how she religiously keeps her mobile on her I know that she has received the message yet she chooses not to respond and that can feel like a knife being stuck into my stomach and twisted. I know what I should do I have sent a message I should leave her to make the next move. Oh god help me!
This other guy of course knows about me, how much he knows is another thing and I would wonder how he would react to her having so many male callers is he just as jealous as I am or not, I know when I was there on Wednesday he wanted to call around on Thursday but she would not let him until she had returned from her aunt’s house, I could only hear one side of the conversation but guess he asked why he could not go down her aunt’s with her, a question I know the answer to as I asked on many occasion if I could met her aunt and uncle. Her aunt does not like the fact that there is a different guy with her every couple of months. She told him that she would explain the reason to him when she saw him after she returned from her aunt’s. I spoke to her online at just after 8pm last night and I know from Wednesday she had asked this other guy to come down at 9pm - the first txt message I had off her yesterday was just before 9pm so coincidence or not??
At this moment in time I feel like I am standing on a precipice and a dangerous one at that, my future actions could have devastating repercussions and yet would not really accomplish anything just turn me into a stalker. I have resisted going down this path so far as how could I explain myself if I was seen, all I would do is put the final nail in the coffin of our friendship.
So good to see that rational thinking is still working.
As much as I try I still can’t shake this feeling of loss and I fear it is beginning to eat me up inside. Maybe it is just the jealously which is eating me up and as much as I keep telling myself there is nothing to be jealous of I find things going around my head and this in turn gets me thinking about things and the whole cycle beings again. I know this is self-destructive but in my eyes I feel that this is the beginning of the end of a friendship, it has only been just over a week since I got back from Spain and in that time the amount of contact between us has dramatically reduced, this is from someone who always carries her mobile phone around with her and will reply to a txt message as soon as she receives one. There has been an instance when I have sent a message and received nothing back whatsoever.
Rather strange last night as she sends me a message asking “Is everything ok?” I thought this was a strange message to send to me last night when I know that one of her other male friends was due to call around as I would have thought she would have been preoccupied with them and not worrying about what I was up to? So this gets my mind working overtime (which is one of my faults) and I am wondering if this guy who was due to be calling around has had anything to do with it as I believe he is her current ‘significant other’ so he may well have been asking what her ‘ex’ thought of things and how I had taken this news? Of course I am only guessing as she has not told me that she is going out with anyone in fact in the past she has told me that men complicate things and she would rather remain single. I replied to her message of course telling her everything was fine and she replied, “No just thought something was up. You would tell me if there was”.
Of course I wonder why this was brought up last night with so many other people contacting her (as I discovered when I was up there on Wednesday) it makes me wonder why I suddenly become important enough to merit a message or two.
If I am honest I am upset, I was upset on Wednesday for many different reasons, forgetting the jealously for a bit I was annoyed that because of this other guy phoning her on Wednesday night (asking for her to blow a kiss down the phone) that she turned off both her mobiles. The reason this hurt so much is when I came to leave she told me not to bother sending a message to let her know that I was home safe as her phones were switched off so she would not get the message. Now it has been close to a year since we first met up in person and since then every time I have left her house she has asked me to send a message to let her know that I have arrived home safe, so there is a change already she could have left one of her phones on silent and checked in around the time I would have gotten home but she didn’t, plus switching her mobiles off would not have stopped this guy from phoning the house phone which he did after midnight. She did tell me that he would carry on phoning her if she did not switch the phones off and I know he was like this before she met up with him always phoning and sending messages to her once he had left the pub and this used to annoy her so what has changed. I know that she met up with him while I was in Spain and within less than two weeks he has been invited around the house and no doubt these telephone calls are a regular nightly feature, when he is not there of course!
There is a part of me that wants to leave her contact me as every time I send a message I feel that in someway I am intruding or being a pest and that is the last thing that I want to do but then again if I change my routine (I would normally send a message during the day asking how she is) she will begin to wonder what is wrong with me but then again I really do wonder if she would even notice the lack of contact from me, it is one of those awkward situations and I really don’t know what to do? I have sent a message to her already today nearly an hour and a half ago, knowing how she religiously keeps her mobile on her I know that she has received the message yet she chooses not to respond and that can feel like a knife being stuck into my stomach and twisted. I know what I should do I have sent a message I should leave her to make the next move. Oh god help me!
This other guy of course knows about me, how much he knows is another thing and I would wonder how he would react to her having so many male callers is he just as jealous as I am or not, I know when I was there on Wednesday he wanted to call around on Thursday but she would not let him until she had returned from her aunt’s house, I could only hear one side of the conversation but guess he asked why he could not go down her aunt’s with her, a question I know the answer to as I asked on many occasion if I could met her aunt and uncle. Her aunt does not like the fact that there is a different guy with her every couple of months. She told him that she would explain the reason to him when she saw him after she returned from her aunt’s. I spoke to her online at just after 8pm last night and I know from Wednesday she had asked this other guy to come down at 9pm - the first txt message I had off her yesterday was just before 9pm so coincidence or not??
At this moment in time I feel like I am standing on a precipice and a dangerous one at that, my future actions could have devastating repercussions and yet would not really accomplish anything just turn me into a stalker. I have resisted going down this path so far as how could I explain myself if I was seen, all I would do is put the final nail in the coffin of our friendship.
So good to see that rational thinking is still working.