Kelly watch the stars
Ah well. Had today all planned out. But er didn't quite go to plan.
Possibly had the worst night ever. Gran was just out of hospital Tuesday but has took another turn and isn't controlling her illness very well at all. I don't think she understands it to be honest. Spent about an hour feeding her (which is horrible. I thought i'd be cool with it because i've fed so many elderly people, but when your used to your gran being fairly independant it is so sad) when the paramedics left after getting her conscious. The paramedics were great. Then after we got her blood sugar up she went for a sleep and came round. Papa went to bed. It's so sad. Got such a fright. We all thought we had lost her. Had to taxi mum and cousin about (mum had had a drink before we got a phone call and cousin can't drive). I'm also kind of worried about my Papa. Genuinely think he is showing early signs of a mental illness. Like, he's acting different, and out of character. It's been kind of esculating and it's not dissimilar to what i've seen before. I hate this. He had had a drink tonight as well, and it just depressed really as well. I've said to my mum a couple of times but I don't think she really understands. Pretty sure she'd have needed to work in that kind of environment to understand.
Cousins are going out tonight which is probably the worst idea for them ever, long story. You know that way you just sense something terrible is going to happen... In fact I get that alot which is freaking the shit out of me. Take tonight for example. Sitting having dinner with my mum and dad and my dad asked me if I wanted a Magners. I really fancied one but I said no because I thought that I would need to drive for some reason. It seems like nothing but when stuff like that happens all the time, it kind of freaks me out.
Also was looking at someones photos and there was a picture of someone who had passed. Made me so sad and kind of weird. Nostalgic really. Like when I pulled him years ago did I think for one minute that he would go the way he would. On Tuesday night one of my friends was talking about Christine and I don't know. It makes me feel so weird and uncomfortable. I just couldn't really talk to her about it and I don't know why. I feel really guilty as if i'm being selfish that I can't talk to my friend about her loss. It just wasn't the time or place, but I still feel really selfish. Probably because I knew I was drunk... but like I wasn't best friends with the girl but sometimes I regret not being closer to her or making more of an effort. I kind of miss hearing about her though. Have no idea where all this has came from. Know it was like before Christmas but when someone talks about her she's in my head for ages, and seeing her friend upset upset me. Also being out with Kato on monday. Like, I said to her 'god i've not seen you in ages'. And I hadn't, and you know when you say something you automatically try to think the last time you had seen the person, well the last time I seen her was at Christines funeral, and then you have all those kind of flashbacks? I met my old manager last week and he mentioned Christine - he didn't know that she had passed. His expression on his face was just horrible. I felt terrible that he hadn't known as if it was kind of my fault.. like. Dunno. Just feel strange.
:-(
Working a fucking night shift tommorow. Fuck sake.
Possibly had the worst night ever. Gran was just out of hospital Tuesday but has took another turn and isn't controlling her illness very well at all. I don't think she understands it to be honest. Spent about an hour feeding her (which is horrible. I thought i'd be cool with it because i've fed so many elderly people, but when your used to your gran being fairly independant it is so sad) when the paramedics left after getting her conscious. The paramedics were great. Then after we got her blood sugar up she went for a sleep and came round. Papa went to bed. It's so sad. Got such a fright. We all thought we had lost her. Had to taxi mum and cousin about (mum had had a drink before we got a phone call and cousin can't drive). I'm also kind of worried about my Papa. Genuinely think he is showing early signs of a mental illness. Like, he's acting different, and out of character. It's been kind of esculating and it's not dissimilar to what i've seen before. I hate this. He had had a drink tonight as well, and it just depressed really as well. I've said to my mum a couple of times but I don't think she really understands. Pretty sure she'd have needed to work in that kind of environment to understand.
Cousins are going out tonight which is probably the worst idea for them ever, long story. You know that way you just sense something terrible is going to happen... In fact I get that alot which is freaking the shit out of me. Take tonight for example. Sitting having dinner with my mum and dad and my dad asked me if I wanted a Magners. I really fancied one but I said no because I thought that I would need to drive for some reason. It seems like nothing but when stuff like that happens all the time, it kind of freaks me out.
Also was looking at someones photos and there was a picture of someone who had passed. Made me so sad and kind of weird. Nostalgic really. Like when I pulled him years ago did I think for one minute that he would go the way he would. On Tuesday night one of my friends was talking about Christine and I don't know. It makes me feel so weird and uncomfortable. I just couldn't really talk to her about it and I don't know why. I feel really guilty as if i'm being selfish that I can't talk to my friend about her loss. It just wasn't the time or place, but I still feel really selfish. Probably because I knew I was drunk... but like I wasn't best friends with the girl but sometimes I regret not being closer to her or making more of an effort. I kind of miss hearing about her though. Have no idea where all this has came from. Know it was like before Christmas but when someone talks about her she's in my head for ages, and seeing her friend upset upset me. Also being out with Kato on monday. Like, I said to her 'god i've not seen you in ages'. And I hadn't, and you know when you say something you automatically try to think the last time you had seen the person, well the last time I seen her was at Christines funeral, and then you have all those kind of flashbacks? I met my old manager last week and he mentioned Christine - he didn't know that she had passed. His expression on his face was just horrible. I felt terrible that he hadn't known as if it was kind of my fault.. like. Dunno. Just feel strange.
:-(
Working a fucking night shift tommorow. Fuck sake.