(no subject)
Well. Remeber when I said that if I said anything to Daniel it would end with him asking me when he should move out? BINGO. On Thursday night right after I was done posting the last message he got home....and I was obviously very down and overwhelmed and he could tell. Eventually I started talking to him about everything. Initially it was going well, but it didn't take too long before he started getting very defensive and angry. It quickly spiraled (sp?) into a full blown arguement/fight/say the nastiest thing you can think of fight. It was absolutely terrible. I hate those fights because absolutely NOTHING gets accomplished. We both say very dramatic things that I know we don't mean and try to instigate big huge changes, none of which will really happen, and it's just horrible. I think we "talked" for about 2.5 hours, most of which was trying to convince the other person why they're wrong. And yes, eventually it got to the "when should I move out" phase. I just don't really know anymore. The idea of him moving out really kills me....but why? Is it because I really am in-love with him and want him with me or is it because of the thought of being that much more alone in this town? Our lease ends in July so if worse came to worse I could always just move closer to ann arbor or dexter at that time alone, but I just don't know. Eventually our "talk" calmed down and we ended up going to sleep (yes in the same bed..no absolutely NO hanky panky). The night kind of ended with both of just saying "i don't know what to do". That was it. I told him everything I wanted to...even the part about how I feel like I"m living life as if I were single but I miss out on the good part of both worlds because I don't get the freedom of being single and I don't really get the companionship and support of being in a comitted relationship. He reminded me yet again that the restaurant plans were going before I came along so that is what he feels needs to be his #1 priority right now. And I said "Even if that means losing your relationship?" and he said "Yes." (that did make me cry.)
Last night we kind of got to talking about it again. I think I"m really throwing him off right now because I"m not overly emotional. Typical me would have been to cry and cry at the thought of us breaking up, but I think I'm just to the point now that I don't know what will make me happier so I don't know if I should cry or not. I was telling him last night that things have just changed for me. I just don't feel the same way that I used to. I used to be so passionate about our relationship in every aspect, but now I'm just kind of......bla. I mean I"m happy when I see him, but when he calls to tell me he's going to be late it doesn't bother me either. He was telling me last night that some women came in to the restaurant and were asking for his number....in the past that really would have bothered me or got me concerned that perhaps he actually gave them his #, but last night I just laughed and said "ok". I told him that the idea of him actually giving them his number doesn't exactly excite me, but it doesn't make me nervous either.
He does have good things to say though on his behalf. He feels like he's serving 2 masters right now with absolutely NO time to himself. He really does not get a moment to himself other than when he is driving to and from work, which ususally is consumed with him thinking about what's going to be going on at work, or if I"m going to be pissed at him when he hets home. His friend/boss gets pissy whenever he is a moment late or actually wants a few hours off on Sunday, and then I"m always on him about never seeing him enough. He said that he feels like he's got all this stress in his life, none of which he feels like he can control because give to one will piss off the other and add more stress on that end. In the end, none of that inovles HIM and HIS feelings or needs. I think he really needs to just do his own thing for a while. Very difficult to do being that we live together I understand, but I don't how else to help him out. I do understand that it must be very frustrating when you're working 16 hours/day and then you get home to a pissy gf every night. You would never have a moment to do what you want or to do nothing at all for that matter. If for no other reason he needs some time off of work to be alone. I'd give him space around here if he needed it. We have 2 rooms so we could hang out in different places and stuff like that..not meaning that it would have to be a big dramatic "dont' cross the line" situation but he could just relax and watch whatever he wanted and not be forced to discuss emotional mumbo-jumbo.
So at this point in the game....no dramatic changes. No one's moving out, nothing like that. But we both know that things aren't "good"...we both need to give it some time and really think about what we want and how we can get to that point. Sooo..life goes on...
On a good, more exciting note, we finally got our new furniture that we ordered months ago today! I posted a few pics of it if you're interested. It's really way too big for the small amount of space that we have in the living room here, but it works and is SUPER comfy so that's what matters most! The pics are under the "random" album. The couch, chair, ottoman, and end tables/coffee table are all new! Hurray. Heres the link:
http://community.webshots.com/user/leah44g
I'm gonna go clean the rest of this place.....then watch "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants"..then watch "House of D"....i'm a lazy bum