(no subject)
Well the day is done. A crappy day for the books. I never really got out of the slump that I was in when I wrote my earlier message today.
I've been thinking all day about daniel and I and what we really are to each other and have come to some really sad conclusions I believe. I realized today that he doesn't affect one single aspect of my day: not what I eat for dinner, not when I come home from work, not what movie I rent, nothing. I am ultimately living life as if I were single but I get the added bonus of being committed as well (sarcasm heavily intended regarding the "bonus" factor"). I see him for about 8 hours a week (when we're awake). That's it. And like I have previously mentioned most of those hours occur after midnight.
I feel so unimportant to him. Everything he does seems to be only for himself and I am never thought of. It breaks my heart to feel this way. It brought me to tears when I was talking on the phone with Sara tonight at the FB game.....crying at FB..NEVER a good idea. I covered it up really well though. Thanks to talking with Sara and my Dad I was able to at least verbalize lots of the things that I was thinking. Sara made a good point...she said that daniel and I have had to work SO hard at this relationship from day 1. Nothing ever came easy. That is very true.
Now I don't know what to do. I know that when he gets home I"ll try to act normal because I really don't want to get into it because I know him well enough to know that it's going to turn into a dramatic conversation with him asking me when I want him to move out, etc. But at the same time no matter how "normal" i try to act inside all I'll be wishing for in a pillow to cry into, which will ultimately lead to me being very quiet.
I guess I'll go get started on the pillow part of that prophecy right now...