I had this one private from Feb 4th, but f that if Jerry wants a war, I'll give him a war
Yeah, I understand that it's 5:30 am, I can't sleep.
Having major issues about Jerry at the moment.
It's like we're on two different worlds, and like we see relationships in two different lights.
It's like, he takes everything in stride, and doesn't seem to have a care in the world. It's like he's so goofy and vulgar and sexual and makes poop jokes. He dosen't like doing anything, because he claims he wants to be as lazy as possible.
I'm very meticulous about everything. I care about the details. I like things to be planned. I like my room to be clean. I'm mannered and civilized and embarrassed. If I didn't have a million and one things to be done I would probably keel over and die.
Everything he does seems to embarrass me and make me wish he would just stop it. Like, the poop jokes, and like screaming poopdick for no reason. And eating food without manners or etiquette. It all seems to get on my nerves.
Does that make me stuck up, and anal, and controlling?
I can't take him seriously. Because he never seems serious. And so I miss all the times he is because I don't know how to tell the difference.
I think of a relationship as passionate, and romantic, and physical. But I think of anything done in public as having to be within etiquette. Hand holding, arm around the shoulder, nuzzling, small kisses type things. I think of everything else as having a place and time.
He thinks of a relationship as being comfortable, and lazy, and laid back without effort like everything else. He thinks that physicality is grabbing my ass in public, and touching my breasts whenever possible. It gets to a point where I don't trust him nuzzling because I know all he'll do is go for my ass, or go for my breasts because that's all that matters in my physical nature to him. We don't hold hands, and we're not cutesy, because it's not what he thinks a relationship is supposed to be.
I think of a relationship as being something I can come home to and not be stressed by. This is not that. We are of two different worlds it seems like, and neither of us wants to live in the others, we just want to keep doing what we've always done, and just kill the relationship slowly as it were.
It seems like the one thing we have in common is WoW.
It makes me sad to think that sometimes I will want to go outside and enjoy the weather and play games outside when it gets nice, and he won't want to because that would take too much effort. Can't go walking outside, when he'll think it's too cold.
I thought when I had met him, that we would have more to talk about. Hell, we spent a whole night talking when I first met him. I thought there would be more nights like that. But this relationship just isn't like that.
He doesn't understand why things bother me, and he doesn't try to. I can't get him to talk about his problems because he says he doesn't want to both me with them.
He doesn't understand my relationship with my parents, and that's something I really really wish he did. It's very important to me, and it's a big part of my life, and he doesn't understand at all.
But it's like, I'm not what he needs, because I'm so prim and proper that I ruin what he thinks of as being a good time. I'm so wrapped up in my own world and I have sooo much going on that I never have time for anything or anyone. He has nothing going on most of the time because that would take effort, and so I get blamed when he has to "fit himself around my schedule." He's not the first to say that though. But I wish that there was someone out there like me who had all the stuff going on I did so they would understand, and not tell me what a bad person I was for it.
This is why I'm not supposed to be with anyone. My work and my school and my million other things is all of my life, and I can't have friends or boyfriends or love or caring because of it. I'm destined to be by myself forever.
And I'll die an early death due to being an type A personality, or by committing suicide when my parents die because they're the only ones in my life who understand me and care about me and don't yell at me for being a bad daughter. I wish I was with them right now and not here so they could tell me everything was okay and that it would all be better if I get had some cookies and milk and went for a run or something.
These are all things that bug me. I wanted to put them down because if I don't, I'll just continue to think about them, and I'll never sleep at all. My back hurts like a bitch cause I'm PMSing and I can't stand my world, and my life. I hate life right now. I hate myself. I wish it was all easier. I wish I was someone who could do everything so that no one would ever be mad at me. I wish I was perfect. Why can't I be perfect?
It's like...... I'm this pillar and when I was in Crystal Lake I had all these other pillars that helped me hold this giant stone that was my life. The stone is a little heavier every year and so I need those other pillars. Here, I am the only pillar, holding up a huge stone that I wasn't ready to support on my own.
It's nearly 6am, maybe I should get off this damned computer.
Having major issues about Jerry at the moment.
It's like we're on two different worlds, and like we see relationships in two different lights.
It's like, he takes everything in stride, and doesn't seem to have a care in the world. It's like he's so goofy and vulgar and sexual and makes poop jokes. He dosen't like doing anything, because he claims he wants to be as lazy as possible.
I'm very meticulous about everything. I care about the details. I like things to be planned. I like my room to be clean. I'm mannered and civilized and embarrassed. If I didn't have a million and one things to be done I would probably keel over and die.
Everything he does seems to embarrass me and make me wish he would just stop it. Like, the poop jokes, and like screaming poopdick for no reason. And eating food without manners or etiquette. It all seems to get on my nerves.
Does that make me stuck up, and anal, and controlling?
I can't take him seriously. Because he never seems serious. And so I miss all the times he is because I don't know how to tell the difference.
I think of a relationship as passionate, and romantic, and physical. But I think of anything done in public as having to be within etiquette. Hand holding, arm around the shoulder, nuzzling, small kisses type things. I think of everything else as having a place and time.
He thinks of a relationship as being comfortable, and lazy, and laid back without effort like everything else. He thinks that physicality is grabbing my ass in public, and touching my breasts whenever possible. It gets to a point where I don't trust him nuzzling because I know all he'll do is go for my ass, or go for my breasts because that's all that matters in my physical nature to him. We don't hold hands, and we're not cutesy, because it's not what he thinks a relationship is supposed to be.
I think of a relationship as being something I can come home to and not be stressed by. This is not that. We are of two different worlds it seems like, and neither of us wants to live in the others, we just want to keep doing what we've always done, and just kill the relationship slowly as it were.
It seems like the one thing we have in common is WoW.
It makes me sad to think that sometimes I will want to go outside and enjoy the weather and play games outside when it gets nice, and he won't want to because that would take too much effort. Can't go walking outside, when he'll think it's too cold.
I thought when I had met him, that we would have more to talk about. Hell, we spent a whole night talking when I first met him. I thought there would be more nights like that. But this relationship just isn't like that.
He doesn't understand why things bother me, and he doesn't try to. I can't get him to talk about his problems because he says he doesn't want to both me with them.
He doesn't understand my relationship with my parents, and that's something I really really wish he did. It's very important to me, and it's a big part of my life, and he doesn't understand at all.
But it's like, I'm not what he needs, because I'm so prim and proper that I ruin what he thinks of as being a good time. I'm so wrapped up in my own world and I have sooo much going on that I never have time for anything or anyone. He has nothing going on most of the time because that would take effort, and so I get blamed when he has to "fit himself around my schedule." He's not the first to say that though. But I wish that there was someone out there like me who had all the stuff going on I did so they would understand, and not tell me what a bad person I was for it.
This is why I'm not supposed to be with anyone. My work and my school and my million other things is all of my life, and I can't have friends or boyfriends or love or caring because of it. I'm destined to be by myself forever.
And I'll die an early death due to being an type A personality, or by committing suicide when my parents die because they're the only ones in my life who understand me and care about me and don't yell at me for being a bad daughter. I wish I was with them right now and not here so they could tell me everything was okay and that it would all be better if I get had some cookies and milk and went for a run or something.
These are all things that bug me. I wanted to put them down because if I don't, I'll just continue to think about them, and I'll never sleep at all. My back hurts like a bitch cause I'm PMSing and I can't stand my world, and my life. I hate life right now. I hate myself. I wish it was all easier. I wish I was someone who could do everything so that no one would ever be mad at me. I wish I was perfect. Why can't I be perfect?
It's like...... I'm this pillar and when I was in Crystal Lake I had all these other pillars that helped me hold this giant stone that was my life. The stone is a little heavier every year and so I need those other pillars. Here, I am the only pillar, holding up a huge stone that I wasn't ready to support on my own.
It's nearly 6am, maybe I should get off this damned computer.