Where am i even going, will i ever see again?
I'd love to know that something beautiful was going to magically happen in my life..its true, I have based alot on love. Not relationships in general, not having a petty boyfriend, but true love, because of the fact that i've lost to much in my life that just so happened to have alot to do with the general term. Truth be told there are many more important things to me, way more important. My writing for instance, and my singing. I want to be a writer, but ive had the worst block latly, I dont really understand whats been going on in my head. I feel so without, without everything, nothing really makes me happy, or anything at that. I need to get a move on things, but im always wanting to be somewhere that makes me motivated enough to do so. The environments ive been in definetly havnt helped much. Its always yelling, screaming, name calling, no matter where I go. My anxiety has been at its all natural high latly. Lovely. I know I cant be crazy like i was over a year ago, fleeding the state, I wont do it again, but i've definetly thought about it. As I am right at this moment, but ive been back almost a year, i wont do it again, i know that. I need answers. I need to know that things will work themself out... They use to, but now, they never do, there always the same. Sometimes I feel like my dreams were stolen from me, right along with my child hood, and my love. I miss being so determined. I cried last night, for the first time in i dont know how long... I cried for everything I wanted to do, the only person, i've ever truly loved, and the times I always went back to the wrong one. I cried for how dull and unpleasant ive been the past 3 months, I cried for my friends over the years being so far away.. I hate that i'm probably the most nostalgic person anyone will ever meet. Its mainly because in the past I had so much more than I do now, and have ruined so many things for myself. I'm stuck in this mood because I feel like I cant make anything good for myself again, i cant change anything, I cant change me, i've lost hope,faith,love,happiness. Its not even about being sad, im a blank wall, I cant be painted anymore...Where have all the pretty colors gone, I use to be so beautiful inside myself, thats what you all loved about me, but where have I gone?