Undefined 3
3: Rain
Tears fall from the sky, but we will laugh in defiance.
Iruka knew he wasn’t really going to win. Even if he’d managed to promote several of his pieces, and captured many of Kakashi’s. Surely he wasn’t going to win, not against Hatake Kakashi, the legendary genius. But he was winning, anyone looking at the board could have told him that, and it made him a little angry. Was Kakashi letting him win?
The look of concentration on Kakashi’s face said that he wasn’t. He seemed to be a little annoyed, in fact, and when Iruka finally got him in checkmate, he scowled. Then he looked up at Iruka and the scowl turned to a smile. “Sandaime taught you to play, didn’t he?”
Iruka nodded. “We played occasionally for years, and most of my strategies come from him. I haven’t really played since his death, but this was nice. Perhaps a rematch, sometime?”
The normalcy of interaction between them disappeared suddenly, and that new disturbing expression crossed Kakashi’s face again, that desperate hope. “I would love that, Iruka-sensei. So you’ll come visit me again?”
“Of course I will.” Iruka stood slowly, and walked over to look out the window. The fog had lifted, but the sky was still cloudy, and by now it was late afternoon. “Let’s go for a walk, and we’ll talk about things, okay?” he said softly, trying to sort things out in his head.
“Anything you want,” said Kakashi, and the words sent a chill through Iruka. He wished the Jounin wouldn’t say such things to him. They were simple words, but the seriousness with which they were said told Iruka how much power he had over the other man, and he didn’t want it. He wasn’t sure he wanted any of this.
They wandered into the forest again, and wound up lounging in the same grassy clearing where they had watched the stars the night before. Only there were no stars now, just sunlight filtering through dark clouds. Kakashi had plopped down next to Iruka, stretching out comfortably, while Iruka leaned back on his elbows. Kakashi had been wearing his mask while they walked, but he took it down now, after a quick glance around to be sure no one was watching. “So, talking,” said Iruka hesitantly.
“What are we going to talk about? Did I do something wrong again? I haven’t been staring at you…” started Kakashi.
“That not it,” said Iruka, cutting him off before Kakashi could spiral any further. “I’m not angry at you.”
Kakashi’s face broke into a huge grin, then settled into a calm smile. “So, it’s okay that I’m in love with you?”
Iruka frowned. “I can’t really say it’s okay or it’s not okay. I don’t control your emotions. I can’t make you not feel the way you do. I just don’t know… what to do with it. Is this cruel to you? I’m enjoying your company, but I don’t feel that way about you.”
Silence. “I’ve never imagined you did feel that way, Iruka-sensei. It’s rather obvious that you don’t, even though you’re being nice to me. But… why do you call me by my name now?”
Iruka ran their recent conversations through his head suddenly, and realized he had been no longer using an honorific when talking to Kakashi. It struck him as horribly rude, when the thought about it, because Kakashi hadn’t really given him permission. It was just… what do you call someone who is in love with you? How do you continue to be formal and polite with someone who is acting so deferential and pathetic?
Iruka’s extra-polite side took over, and his response was. “I apologize, Kakashi-san. My behavior has been inappropriate.”
Kakashi shook his head emphatically. “No. Don’t you dare. Don’t you give me a gift and then take it away again. If you’re going to walk away and not talk to me anymore, then do it. But don’t call me ‘Kakashi-san’ and play the formality game with me.” His eye was intense, and the sadness in his face was overwhelming.
“A gift? Is that what it was when I called you by your name? Is that what it is when I spend time with you? Is that how you see it?” asked Iruka, taken aback.
Kakashi’s laid back and closed his eye, his expression thoughtful. He took a moment to answer, and when he did, his voice was once again very calm. “Everything you do for me seems like a gift to me. Every time you say my name, or you laugh, or smile… everything is a gift. You give of yourself so freely, and I’ve been just accepting whatever you will give. I’d like to continue doing that, and you can give or not give whatever you choose.”
Iruka was lost, completely beyond his comfort zone. He’d been in love before, or thought he was, but he’d never had anyone obsess over him this way. It wasn’t healthy, he was sure of it. There had to be something wrong with anyone who was willing to simply sit back and wait for someone to bestow some token of affection on them, no matter how long it took. There had to be something wrong with someone willing to accept that the person they were in love with didn’t’ share their feelings, and still want to be near them. Once again, Iruka got the feeling something was very wrong here, but… what he said was, “Kakashi,” his voice shaking a little. Then he gathered all of his strength, and said, “Kakashi, this can’t be good for you.”
Kakashi shook his head. “I’m sure it’s not. So walk away, if you want, but I’m telling you I’d rather you not. I’d rather you stay and hurt me than walk away and hurt me.”
There it was. It was going to hurt Kakashi either way, and Iruka was enjoying his company even if he wasn’t sure he could ever feel anything for him romantically. They could never be friends, either, not in any normal sense of the word, not with the way Kakashi was behaving. But Iruka wasn’t willing to walk away, and so he merely leaned back on the grass and closed his eyes as well.
“Kakashi, call me Iruka. And I’ll give you whatever I can give, for now, though I don’t know what that will be.”
“Iruka,” said Kakashi softly, reverently. They lay there silently together, not quite close enough to touch, letting whatever it was between them simply exist in the moment.
It was much later when Iruka stood, dusting himself off, and said, “I should go home. I have to meet the Hokage tomorrow to talk to her about my schedule, and I still would like to have a bit of time to myself tonight. Could you walk me home, though, Kakashi?”
Kakashi opened his eye slowly, and lay there looking up at Iruka, who extended a hand to help him up. It was a silly thing, to offer a hand to another ninja in such a way, someone who could easily walk up vertical surfaces and walk on water. But it was kind, and Kakashi smiled as he took the offered hand and let Iruka help him to his feet. He held onto it for only a moment after he stood, and then with an obvious act of will, released it. He then reached up to replace his mask, not willing to walk through town with his face bared.
The walk home was casual and comfortable again, filled with conversation about Iruka’s students and the shinobi they knew in common. Anyone watching them wouldn’t have known that anything was different between them, except perhaps to wonder when they had become so friendly.
It started to rain about halfway to Iruka’s place, the sky opening up and suddenly pouring down a torrent upon them. They ran, laughing, and when they reached Iruka’s doorstep, he ushered Kakashi in without even thinking about it. The two men collapsed in the entryway, the release of tension between them and the sudden unexpected rain combining to create a mood of hilarity.
Iruka retrieved towels so they could get dry, and once they had both dried off they stood there looking at each other strangely. “I can always teleport home, you know,” said Kakashi.
Iruka nodded. “You can do that in a minute, but first…” he paused, gathering his nerve. Kakashi stood there before him, soaked through with rain, looking less impressive but more endearing than he had ever seen him. “Will you kill me if I touch you?” Iruka asked softly, remembering how he’d been thrown earlier.
Kakashi shook his head slowly, and simply stood waiting. Iruka reached out, hesitantly, and drew the other man into a hug. “I don’t know why you feel this way about me. It doesn’t make any sense to me still, and I’m not sure what to do with it. But, I haven’t told you yet, I haven’t told you how sweet it is, how flattered I am. So, thank you, Kakashi.”
Kakashi melted into the embrace, hugging back hesitantly, as if afraid he’d be rejected any moment now. But Iruka didn’t move, and they stood there, arms around each other, for a long moment. “Thank you,” said Kakashi finally, and stepped away, removing Iruka’s arms gently. “Thank you,” he repeated, and then made a few hand signs rapidly, and was gone.
Iruka wanted to collapse there in his entryway, emotionally drained, but instead he dragged himself off to have a bath. The entire time he was in the bath, he was thinking, “How do I feel about him? What am I doing here?” but he couldn’t come up with any answers. He liked Kakashi, he thought, and he respected him, but even though he found the man attractive now that he had actually seen his face, it didn’t stir any deeper feelings in him.
Finally, much later, lying in bed, he whispered into the darkness. “If it’s enough for him, then it’s enough for me too.”
Next Chapter
Tears fall from the sky, but we will laugh in defiance.
Iruka knew he wasn’t really going to win. Even if he’d managed to promote several of his pieces, and captured many of Kakashi’s. Surely he wasn’t going to win, not against Hatake Kakashi, the legendary genius. But he was winning, anyone looking at the board could have told him that, and it made him a little angry. Was Kakashi letting him win?
The look of concentration on Kakashi’s face said that he wasn’t. He seemed to be a little annoyed, in fact, and when Iruka finally got him in checkmate, he scowled. Then he looked up at Iruka and the scowl turned to a smile. “Sandaime taught you to play, didn’t he?”
Iruka nodded. “We played occasionally for years, and most of my strategies come from him. I haven’t really played since his death, but this was nice. Perhaps a rematch, sometime?”
The normalcy of interaction between them disappeared suddenly, and that new disturbing expression crossed Kakashi’s face again, that desperate hope. “I would love that, Iruka-sensei. So you’ll come visit me again?”
“Of course I will.” Iruka stood slowly, and walked over to look out the window. The fog had lifted, but the sky was still cloudy, and by now it was late afternoon. “Let’s go for a walk, and we’ll talk about things, okay?” he said softly, trying to sort things out in his head.
“Anything you want,” said Kakashi, and the words sent a chill through Iruka. He wished the Jounin wouldn’t say such things to him. They were simple words, but the seriousness with which they were said told Iruka how much power he had over the other man, and he didn’t want it. He wasn’t sure he wanted any of this.
They wandered into the forest again, and wound up lounging in the same grassy clearing where they had watched the stars the night before. Only there were no stars now, just sunlight filtering through dark clouds. Kakashi had plopped down next to Iruka, stretching out comfortably, while Iruka leaned back on his elbows. Kakashi had been wearing his mask while they walked, but he took it down now, after a quick glance around to be sure no one was watching. “So, talking,” said Iruka hesitantly.
“What are we going to talk about? Did I do something wrong again? I haven’t been staring at you…” started Kakashi.
“That not it,” said Iruka, cutting him off before Kakashi could spiral any further. “I’m not angry at you.”
Kakashi’s face broke into a huge grin, then settled into a calm smile. “So, it’s okay that I’m in love with you?”
Iruka frowned. “I can’t really say it’s okay or it’s not okay. I don’t control your emotions. I can’t make you not feel the way you do. I just don’t know… what to do with it. Is this cruel to you? I’m enjoying your company, but I don’t feel that way about you.”
Silence. “I’ve never imagined you did feel that way, Iruka-sensei. It’s rather obvious that you don’t, even though you’re being nice to me. But… why do you call me by my name now?”
Iruka ran their recent conversations through his head suddenly, and realized he had been no longer using an honorific when talking to Kakashi. It struck him as horribly rude, when the thought about it, because Kakashi hadn’t really given him permission. It was just… what do you call someone who is in love with you? How do you continue to be formal and polite with someone who is acting so deferential and pathetic?
Iruka’s extra-polite side took over, and his response was. “I apologize, Kakashi-san. My behavior has been inappropriate.”
Kakashi shook his head emphatically. “No. Don’t you dare. Don’t you give me a gift and then take it away again. If you’re going to walk away and not talk to me anymore, then do it. But don’t call me ‘Kakashi-san’ and play the formality game with me.” His eye was intense, and the sadness in his face was overwhelming.
“A gift? Is that what it was when I called you by your name? Is that what it is when I spend time with you? Is that how you see it?” asked Iruka, taken aback.
Kakashi’s laid back and closed his eye, his expression thoughtful. He took a moment to answer, and when he did, his voice was once again very calm. “Everything you do for me seems like a gift to me. Every time you say my name, or you laugh, or smile… everything is a gift. You give of yourself so freely, and I’ve been just accepting whatever you will give. I’d like to continue doing that, and you can give or not give whatever you choose.”
Iruka was lost, completely beyond his comfort zone. He’d been in love before, or thought he was, but he’d never had anyone obsess over him this way. It wasn’t healthy, he was sure of it. There had to be something wrong with anyone who was willing to simply sit back and wait for someone to bestow some token of affection on them, no matter how long it took. There had to be something wrong with someone willing to accept that the person they were in love with didn’t’ share their feelings, and still want to be near them. Once again, Iruka got the feeling something was very wrong here, but… what he said was, “Kakashi,” his voice shaking a little. Then he gathered all of his strength, and said, “Kakashi, this can’t be good for you.”
Kakashi shook his head. “I’m sure it’s not. So walk away, if you want, but I’m telling you I’d rather you not. I’d rather you stay and hurt me than walk away and hurt me.”
There it was. It was going to hurt Kakashi either way, and Iruka was enjoying his company even if he wasn’t sure he could ever feel anything for him romantically. They could never be friends, either, not in any normal sense of the word, not with the way Kakashi was behaving. But Iruka wasn’t willing to walk away, and so he merely leaned back on the grass and closed his eyes as well.
“Kakashi, call me Iruka. And I’ll give you whatever I can give, for now, though I don’t know what that will be.”
“Iruka,” said Kakashi softly, reverently. They lay there silently together, not quite close enough to touch, letting whatever it was between them simply exist in the moment.
It was much later when Iruka stood, dusting himself off, and said, “I should go home. I have to meet the Hokage tomorrow to talk to her about my schedule, and I still would like to have a bit of time to myself tonight. Could you walk me home, though, Kakashi?”
Kakashi opened his eye slowly, and lay there looking up at Iruka, who extended a hand to help him up. It was a silly thing, to offer a hand to another ninja in such a way, someone who could easily walk up vertical surfaces and walk on water. But it was kind, and Kakashi smiled as he took the offered hand and let Iruka help him to his feet. He held onto it for only a moment after he stood, and then with an obvious act of will, released it. He then reached up to replace his mask, not willing to walk through town with his face bared.
The walk home was casual and comfortable again, filled with conversation about Iruka’s students and the shinobi they knew in common. Anyone watching them wouldn’t have known that anything was different between them, except perhaps to wonder when they had become so friendly.
It started to rain about halfway to Iruka’s place, the sky opening up and suddenly pouring down a torrent upon them. They ran, laughing, and when they reached Iruka’s doorstep, he ushered Kakashi in without even thinking about it. The two men collapsed in the entryway, the release of tension between them and the sudden unexpected rain combining to create a mood of hilarity.
Iruka retrieved towels so they could get dry, and once they had both dried off they stood there looking at each other strangely. “I can always teleport home, you know,” said Kakashi.
Iruka nodded. “You can do that in a minute, but first…” he paused, gathering his nerve. Kakashi stood there before him, soaked through with rain, looking less impressive but more endearing than he had ever seen him. “Will you kill me if I touch you?” Iruka asked softly, remembering how he’d been thrown earlier.
Kakashi shook his head slowly, and simply stood waiting. Iruka reached out, hesitantly, and drew the other man into a hug. “I don’t know why you feel this way about me. It doesn’t make any sense to me still, and I’m not sure what to do with it. But, I haven’t told you yet, I haven’t told you how sweet it is, how flattered I am. So, thank you, Kakashi.”
Kakashi melted into the embrace, hugging back hesitantly, as if afraid he’d be rejected any moment now. But Iruka didn’t move, and they stood there, arms around each other, for a long moment. “Thank you,” said Kakashi finally, and stepped away, removing Iruka’s arms gently. “Thank you,” he repeated, and then made a few hand signs rapidly, and was gone.
Iruka wanted to collapse there in his entryway, emotionally drained, but instead he dragged himself off to have a bath. The entire time he was in the bath, he was thinking, “How do I feel about him? What am I doing here?” but he couldn’t come up with any answers. He liked Kakashi, he thought, and he respected him, but even though he found the man attractive now that he had actually seen his face, it didn’t stir any deeper feelings in him.
Finally, much later, lying in bed, he whispered into the darkness. “If it’s enough for him, then it’s enough for me too.”
Next Chapter