frustrating.
see? this is what happens to me. i just made my first post in the polyamory community on here... i tried to ask a question and i think i got one real answer to it. and a nice handful of responses, which i appreciate, but really i just want my question answered. it makes me feel like i just suck at communicating. should i not have introduced myself? should i have introduced myself, but differently?
i really, really just wish i could be so much better communicating. with everyone. i'm best at communicating online, it's easiest for me to type things out. i think there's just so much unnecessary things that i feel like i need to say.... but they're unnecessary. and they just complicate things. and i have SUCH a hard time filtering out those things. apparently even when typing.
it's just so frustrating. it's what leads me to feeling suicidal with my b/f. i say things, he doesn't understand me or he hears something that's not even close to what i'm trying to get across (but i probably still say it because somewhere in my brain it seems like it goes together?).
so really this post is just getting my frustration out... i was hoping to try to have my livejournal oh, i don't know, actually make sense. i was hoping to spend time on all of my entries, make sure i'm saying what i want to say... but kind of generalize my situation, because really i need practice doing that. i just want people to be able to read what i write and... i don't know, make me feel better about myself?
honestly, i'm looking for a support group. i dont have friends in real life, i'm not close to my family. all i've got is my boyfriend. and i realize that's unhealthy, i'm doing what i can, what i feel comfortable doing, to get time to myself, to get out and make some friends. it frustrates me because my boyfriend is SO content with where he is right now. he's got like two best friends, he never spends any time with him, and that's all he needs.
but i need more. and to tell you the truth, i'm afraid of having more. i don't want to develop any more crushes until it's *okay* to develop crushes. even though a crush is just a crush, i feel very uncomfortable having them, because i have a tendency to obsess over them. and that is lame.
here is where i'm trying to find friends, i'm trying to feel like i belong... hopefully without getting *too close*
so i want to have close friends, but not friends that are *too* close. no, i don't know where that line is.
so that's the end of my rant. hopefully my next update is less... tangential and rantified... than this one.
i really, really just wish i could be so much better communicating. with everyone. i'm best at communicating online, it's easiest for me to type things out. i think there's just so much unnecessary things that i feel like i need to say.... but they're unnecessary. and they just complicate things. and i have SUCH a hard time filtering out those things. apparently even when typing.
it's just so frustrating. it's what leads me to feeling suicidal with my b/f. i say things, he doesn't understand me or he hears something that's not even close to what i'm trying to get across (but i probably still say it because somewhere in my brain it seems like it goes together?).
so really this post is just getting my frustration out... i was hoping to try to have my livejournal oh, i don't know, actually make sense. i was hoping to spend time on all of my entries, make sure i'm saying what i want to say... but kind of generalize my situation, because really i need practice doing that. i just want people to be able to read what i write and... i don't know, make me feel better about myself?
honestly, i'm looking for a support group. i dont have friends in real life, i'm not close to my family. all i've got is my boyfriend. and i realize that's unhealthy, i'm doing what i can, what i feel comfortable doing, to get time to myself, to get out and make some friends. it frustrates me because my boyfriend is SO content with where he is right now. he's got like two best friends, he never spends any time with him, and that's all he needs.
but i need more. and to tell you the truth, i'm afraid of having more. i don't want to develop any more crushes until it's *okay* to develop crushes. even though a crush is just a crush, i feel very uncomfortable having them, because i have a tendency to obsess over them. and that is lame.
here is where i'm trying to find friends, i'm trying to feel like i belong... hopefully without getting *too close*
so i want to have close friends, but not friends that are *too* close. no, i don't know where that line is.
so that's the end of my rant. hopefully my next update is less... tangential and rantified... than this one.