Spirit
May I be filled with loving-kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
I've been repeating these words in my head for a few days now. I've written them down. I've thought about what they mean to me and what they might mean for the people around me and I enjoy the way they make me feel.
This is difficult to admit, but since I moved to Portland I have felt more sad than ever before. The depth of sadness is not really any different, but the duration of it's stay has really taken it's toll on me. Somehow in all the love and newness and struggle and excitement I lost sight of what I know myself to be (strong and capable). And now after many, many days of sobbing for hours and long discussions and hurtful phrases and actions . . . I can see. It is not because I got all the crying and talking out, but because I feel strong enough to look at me honestly and to feel all of my emotions without letting my fear of emotion confuse me.
It's an incredibly sad thing when you find the person you know you are supposed to be with and you can't pull yourself out of depression when they are there all along --- waiting patiently for you to get better and doing everything in their power to make you better to help you get better (even sacrificing his own happiness) and it doesn't work. Love for someone else is not enough. I believe that love is a very magical and beautiful thing, but ones love for someone else cannot bear all loads. I must love me and respect me and trust me just as he does; and I must provide him with enough space and support to be himself and love himself too.
I'm alone tonight and my heart bursts with genuine compassion for my lover. My head is spinning with all the things I have learned . . .
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
I've been repeating these words in my head for a few days now. I've written them down. I've thought about what they mean to me and what they might mean for the people around me and I enjoy the way they make me feel.
This is difficult to admit, but since I moved to Portland I have felt more sad than ever before. The depth of sadness is not really any different, but the duration of it's stay has really taken it's toll on me. Somehow in all the love and newness and struggle and excitement I lost sight of what I know myself to be (strong and capable). And now after many, many days of sobbing for hours and long discussions and hurtful phrases and actions . . . I can see. It is not because I got all the crying and talking out, but because I feel strong enough to look at me honestly and to feel all of my emotions without letting my fear of emotion confuse me.
It's an incredibly sad thing when you find the person you know you are supposed to be with and you can't pull yourself out of depression when they are there all along --- waiting patiently for you to get better and doing everything in their power to make you better to help you get better (even sacrificing his own happiness) and it doesn't work. Love for someone else is not enough. I believe that love is a very magical and beautiful thing, but ones love for someone else cannot bear all loads. I must love me and respect me and trust me just as he does; and I must provide him with enough space and support to be himself and love himself too.
I'm alone tonight and my heart bursts with genuine compassion for my lover. My head is spinning with all the things I have learned . . .