(no subject)
I honestly can't remember the last time I felt like this.
You would think....with all the hoopla and smiling faces around the city of Gainesville now, I would be one of those people....grinning from ear to ear 24/7. But even a national championship can't make me feel better.
Over break I got in the biggest argument with my mom about my "desire to be white". Well more...she yelled at me saying I'm too steeped in white culture and I need to get a reality check. And I just sat and cried and thought....you are so wrong. But now...I don't know how I could've thought she was wrong. I've lost sight of myself. I'm obsessed with the hair...the weight...the makeup...everything. I have forgotten that I can never look like them. Those jeans...that shirt..will never just hang on me. My hair will never cascade down my shoulders. My skintone will never change to some crazy light shade. And now I feel so disappointed in myself. That I can't just accept myself for myself. I even asked my mom for a weave before break. A weave! Me...who swore left and right that I would never ever even think of getting a weave asked my mom if I could have one for my birthday. I don't know what I've come to but I feel like I've hit rock bottom.
I'm a mess.
This is ridiculous.
You would think....with all the hoopla and smiling faces around the city of Gainesville now, I would be one of those people....grinning from ear to ear 24/7. But even a national championship can't make me feel better.
Over break I got in the biggest argument with my mom about my "desire to be white". Well more...she yelled at me saying I'm too steeped in white culture and I need to get a reality check. And I just sat and cried and thought....you are so wrong. But now...I don't know how I could've thought she was wrong. I've lost sight of myself. I'm obsessed with the hair...the weight...the makeup...everything. I have forgotten that I can never look like them. Those jeans...that shirt..will never just hang on me. My hair will never cascade down my shoulders. My skintone will never change to some crazy light shade. And now I feel so disappointed in myself. That I can't just accept myself for myself. I even asked my mom for a weave before break. A weave! Me...who swore left and right that I would never ever even think of getting a weave asked my mom if I could have one for my birthday. I don't know what I've come to but I feel like I've hit rock bottom.
I'm a mess.
This is ridiculous.