(no subject)
OK, So basically lately life has sucked, lol, for no apparent reason, but it just has. I kinda am happy though, because I never realized how really happy I was until I wasn't, and I had something to compare it to. Have you ever kind of hit the point in your life where all the sudden you question absolutly everything? Not to be all philosophical, an totally not so other people will think you are smart or interesting, but just because things just honestly don't make any sense...
Like I wake up everyday, go to school, get good grades because my parents want me to, do well in my clubs because colleges want me to, and I go out, not nearly enough, but enough not to feel like a total outcast because as a teenager I'm jsut supposed to. But honestly, if I try and make sense out of it, I don't really want to be doing any of it, or at least I don't think I do. I really don't know what I want to do.
Where do you guys see yourselves in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years? Obviously the vast majority will loose touch, because the only reason we are friends now is because we have nothing better to compare it to. But once we hit the real world, we will be real people, with real goals, and real purpose.
It seems so obvious, and actually it seems really independent and exciting.... but I just don't think I am ready for it. I am thinking too much lately, and I would just be a lot happier if I had a pause button and could just think, without things always having to matter... but I don't, and they do... so I am just going to sit and vent to you a little longer.
That's how people get so screwed over using this thing. I feel so free talking on here, writing always makes me feel this way, but anyone can really read this, and people who I hate, and people who hate me, and people who this is their first impression of me, will all know exactly what is going on in my head right now.... I should think twice about showing you all this, but I kind of don't care.
Ali K has been trying to explain this revelation to me all year and I never believed her, but now I think I get it... she realized that nothing really matters. It sounds kinda like denial or a front to put up because everything matters too much, but honestly, when you think about it, it really is easy to just laugh, because really it just doesn't matter.....
I was sitting with Tara Blackman, and Wendy Strauss last weekend, and I said something about how I was supposed to be their role model, and tara laughed and was like cut the crap, you don't always have to be a role madel, you're a normal person.... it finally made sense... like who have I been pretending to be, I am nothing special, like I guess I am, everyone is, but I always felt I had to always try harder than everyone else, and always put on a front and always "look" like everything was fine, and right.... but why?
Anyway, I just came home from an interesting night at Jess's house, and I was about to have a nervous breakdown (again) before I went,but now I realize, things really aren't that bad, but at the same time they aren't that great, and if I just go with whatever's happening, it's a lot easier then fighting it.
Wow I am not making any sense at all.. I swear to god I'm not high or anything like that... just thinking out loud, kinda.... anyway, this must be really long by now, so I'll go...
*BTW my brother is on SPIKE TV tonight, it's a reality show and he like the star( i think ), it's 10 things every guy should do, or something like that... so watch it!
... night ....
Like I wake up everyday, go to school, get good grades because my parents want me to, do well in my clubs because colleges want me to, and I go out, not nearly enough, but enough not to feel like a total outcast because as a teenager I'm jsut supposed to. But honestly, if I try and make sense out of it, I don't really want to be doing any of it, or at least I don't think I do. I really don't know what I want to do.
Where do you guys see yourselves in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years? Obviously the vast majority will loose touch, because the only reason we are friends now is because we have nothing better to compare it to. But once we hit the real world, we will be real people, with real goals, and real purpose.
It seems so obvious, and actually it seems really independent and exciting.... but I just don't think I am ready for it. I am thinking too much lately, and I would just be a lot happier if I had a pause button and could just think, without things always having to matter... but I don't, and they do... so I am just going to sit and vent to you a little longer.
That's how people get so screwed over using this thing. I feel so free talking on here, writing always makes me feel this way, but anyone can really read this, and people who I hate, and people who hate me, and people who this is their first impression of me, will all know exactly what is going on in my head right now.... I should think twice about showing you all this, but I kind of don't care.
Ali K has been trying to explain this revelation to me all year and I never believed her, but now I think I get it... she realized that nothing really matters. It sounds kinda like denial or a front to put up because everything matters too much, but honestly, when you think about it, it really is easy to just laugh, because really it just doesn't matter.....
I was sitting with Tara Blackman, and Wendy Strauss last weekend, and I said something about how I was supposed to be their role model, and tara laughed and was like cut the crap, you don't always have to be a role madel, you're a normal person.... it finally made sense... like who have I been pretending to be, I am nothing special, like I guess I am, everyone is, but I always felt I had to always try harder than everyone else, and always put on a front and always "look" like everything was fine, and right.... but why?
Anyway, I just came home from an interesting night at Jess's house, and I was about to have a nervous breakdown (again) before I went,but now I realize, things really aren't that bad, but at the same time they aren't that great, and if I just go with whatever's happening, it's a lot easier then fighting it.
Wow I am not making any sense at all.. I swear to god I'm not high or anything like that... just thinking out loud, kinda.... anyway, this must be really long by now, so I'll go...
*BTW my brother is on SPIKE TV tonight, it's a reality show and he like the star( i think ), it's 10 things every guy should do, or something like that... so watch it!
... night ....