contemplating my exsistence
do you ever feel very small in your own big life?
i feel tiny at times.. like i matter very little and have very little influence. and then at ther times i feel like the center of my own universe and wish everyone would leave me alone.
Today is both i am really craving alone time more and more asd im not sure why. i want to do so many things but i stay in my house and sit alone and enjoy the silence instead. i scrimp and save my money for bigger better things and turn inward and organize and organize and for some reason it makes things seem right in my head. i like to spend days organizing things piece by piece. tomorrow im going to keep ethen home from school....they have half days on thursdays so im going to let the kids play hookie and im gonna have them help me clean and organize the garage and the dining room and my sewing stuff. i want to go to the holiday ball this year depending on when it is so im going to make myself a dress so i need to organize so i can work on it.
I feel very lost in my head lately and i feel very un-organized like my brain needs a filling system of its own. I have been having troubles focusing and i have had spurts of depression. i even went to the doctor and they sent me referals to docotrs that dont have appointments and doctors that are not taking new patients..... i hate my insurance and i hate sierra vista. there is no one here to even get help from even when you ask for it. I needed to see and phycologist and a phycyatrist and there is aparently no one avalible because they are all full because everyone here is crazy and depressed and was SO before i got here. Life is so unexpected lately i just want things to be simple.... i get anxiety meds i chill out and i eat good and i feel better....simple. Thats not going to happen here....stupid desert. in other news i gave my kid a mowhawk its awsome it scares old people. Im kinda lonely in a wierd way i think if i had a close friend out here it wouldn't be so bad but i cant get close to anyone here.everytime i feel like im getting close to someone something in my head says "remember what happened last time?"........
life means letting go so everyday now i will be letting go of something i no longer need, guilt, thoughts, dreams, and actual tangible stuff as well. im going to clean out my troubles and my garage at the same time.... it all makes me continue to contemplate my exsistence... and wonder why am i here, what am i suppose to be doing? and when,IF EVER, will i know?