(no subject)
So, instead of writing my nasty million-page snr research paper, i am procrastinating, exasperating, contemplating, i am perturbed! i've put God knows how many different types of chemicals into my body just to keep me awake and concentrated - should at least last me like 24 hrs even! but alas i cannot do it, i just cant.. i am so close to finishing, but i am such a pensive perfectionist at heart that i can either put 110% effort or 0%, 50 doesnt work for me.. but this paper needs soooo much detail and all this crap, def havent had to deal with this much stress in awhile... WOW, never thought school could make me this emotional, EVER...
I cant even begin to describe how i feel, i dont think its ever reached this point, and now im trying to run away from it, by writing in my journal? wtf. and my mind is constantly searching for problems to fix or think about lingering unsolved issues, just so i know its going to some use, so my mind is constantly being stimulated 24/7, and not a single second is wasted being idle,
AHHHH i could just go crazy now, def a sign that im gonna be at the half-way house one of these days.. i wish i was relaxed as i used to be, and its not even AP season yet..
Now that im on the topic, and now that i am morbidly searching for something my mind can indulge in, i will start, at least somewhere for now: I think i am too kind in the sense that i give everyone the benefit of the doubt and believe they truly are wholesome at heart and that they can change, succumb to admittance, or whatever is awaiting them during suppression. and USUALLY i trust my judge of character b/c 99% of the time i am correct. but alas, i can no longer supply that benefit (of the doubt) any longer, my patience has exceeded me.
So, chance is no longer by my side, and below as ive written before, CHANGE will happen... God im such a liar, and i hate lying to myself, esp something that challenges my will-power, but as all this caffiene is permeating via my bloodstream, i might as well have that moment when i actually can feel this way, and when it feels so right, that i wont argue about it twice, even though naturally it should be lingering on my mind for an excess amount of time.
UUUGGGHHHHH damn.
<3 the adiba that hasnt been out, in yrs