(no subject)

Dec 19, 2007 10:53

 so its over. 
he cut me off. 
told me to call him sometime if i felt like it. 
said i accuse him too much. 
and that he never called because i never spoke.

so he blamed it all on me.
hes still running. and gods not going to let him get out of this.  hes got to face himself sometime. 
hes lost everyone who cared for him, and would ever help him in any significant way. 
he pushed away sean who told him he was running and that he needed to stop so he was pushed away. 
he pushed away anyone who let him live with them. 
his parents let him stay if he just discussed some things from the past,  so they did and when his father wanted to talk about one extra thing later, he said fuck it and left. the only people who would let him live there for free and love him unconditionally, and he pushed them off. but still wanted to reconcile their relationship. 
then theres me.  im not good for him right now.

hes running.

my grandma is the only one ive physically talked to that has made me feel at peace. 
she keeps saying  its not over 'till its over. 
and shes right.

i keep praying. asking for comfort. 
ive gotten it. 
i keep praying about whether hes good for me. and if hes not to rid him of my thoughts.

so far i can keep myself together and be at peace. 
its when i sleep that i cannot escape this. 
ill dream or wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning knowing im alone.

this morning i woke at five and i immidiatley had to hug my mom.  i felt so alone it was rediculous.

i cant escape that. 
i havent even spoken to him yet. 
he left it in a voice mail.

i havent eaten too much.

i went to dennys with my grandma and the waiter told me i looked tierd.  like i needed to "sleep for a month"

im sad. but im going to talk to a therapist because i think - i know its deeper than that. 
so now ive just got to figure out whats going on now with my life.  what im going to do later in life - like next year  i might go to cooking school.

maybe go to france. live there for a while.

im not sure. i just cant stay here. 
ive got to make some changes in my life.

maybe thats why this is going on.

andd im going to get in shape.

the only highlight of recent is when i went to disney and got a pictuer with captain hook.  he started to dance with me.
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