(no subject)
All of a sudden, I'm really fucking miserable
....fuck
I seriously don't know what the fuck just happened. My night was really great up till right now.
I was at Daniel's house all day, then Eder came by, and we had a lot of fun. I love hanging out with him. He's the only one of Daniel's friends who I really enjoy spending time with. To think, everyone at Curley think's he's mentally retarded :P We went to the police station and identified a guy who robbed a car. Eder had seen him, so we got to go with him and look at surveilance tapes and through all those mug shots. The police people were funny as hell too...
We left and came to my house. I got into a fight with my dad, and I felt really bad. I don't know why, but the way he reacted to me just made me feel like shit. I was really sad. He made me ask them to leave at 11:30. I didn't want them to go. I was having a good time.
We were talking until late last night...like 1 am. It was cool. He was telling us about his ex, and how much he loves her. I can honestly say that I don't really know anyone who really loves someone as much as he does. All I was thinking was....damn I wish someone felt that much for me. He made me re-assess things without even knowing it.
**
I just feel so alientated right now. I feel like I made a stupid decision, not so much because I really felt that way, but because I was unsatisfied. I don't know what I want, and I don't think he does either. I don't feel like anything's changed except that there are possibilites open to be with other people. I just don't want to be hypocritical, and I don't want to cause more problems in people. Maybe this isn't the way to avoid them, but fuck, some things just need to run their course already. I've already been out, done my thing with someone else, and wouldn't mind doing more. I don't want to put a double standard on him. I want him to do what's in his heart, what he's wanted all along. I want him to understand what he feels. I want us both to know for sure what it is that makes us happy. I know it's not just being each other, and perhaps the answer lies in someone else. I just get all these mixed messages, and it's so fucking confusing. I just wish I could be more nonchalant about it, and REALLY not feel emotionally attached. I just feel so unwanted, even though I know it's not true. I just want the world sometimes, and can't get it. There's this gigantic, innate feeling of unsatisfaction, and I can't ever get rid of it. I just want to feel like someone cares. I miss being truly special to someone. I can't keep giving myself a taste of true happiness, just to have it stolen prematurely. I can't keep being a hypocrite, and I must learn to do as I say. I just wish I didn't have to lie to do it.
I'm such a fucking asshole.
**
Wow, I can't believe I just let that all out on LJ. I used to care that people would read this. Fuck it.
....fuck
I seriously don't know what the fuck just happened. My night was really great up till right now.
I was at Daniel's house all day, then Eder came by, and we had a lot of fun. I love hanging out with him. He's the only one of Daniel's friends who I really enjoy spending time with. To think, everyone at Curley think's he's mentally retarded :P We went to the police station and identified a guy who robbed a car. Eder had seen him, so we got to go with him and look at surveilance tapes and through all those mug shots. The police people were funny as hell too...
We left and came to my house. I got into a fight with my dad, and I felt really bad. I don't know why, but the way he reacted to me just made me feel like shit. I was really sad. He made me ask them to leave at 11:30. I didn't want them to go. I was having a good time.
We were talking until late last night...like 1 am. It was cool. He was telling us about his ex, and how much he loves her. I can honestly say that I don't really know anyone who really loves someone as much as he does. All I was thinking was....damn I wish someone felt that much for me. He made me re-assess things without even knowing it.
**
I just feel so alientated right now. I feel like I made a stupid decision, not so much because I really felt that way, but because I was unsatisfied. I don't know what I want, and I don't think he does either. I don't feel like anything's changed except that there are possibilites open to be with other people. I just don't want to be hypocritical, and I don't want to cause more problems in people. Maybe this isn't the way to avoid them, but fuck, some things just need to run their course already. I've already been out, done my thing with someone else, and wouldn't mind doing more. I don't want to put a double standard on him. I want him to do what's in his heart, what he's wanted all along. I want him to understand what he feels. I want us both to know for sure what it is that makes us happy. I know it's not just being each other, and perhaps the answer lies in someone else. I just get all these mixed messages, and it's so fucking confusing. I just wish I could be more nonchalant about it, and REALLY not feel emotionally attached. I just feel so unwanted, even though I know it's not true. I just want the world sometimes, and can't get it. There's this gigantic, innate feeling of unsatisfaction, and I can't ever get rid of it. I just want to feel like someone cares. I miss being truly special to someone. I can't keep giving myself a taste of true happiness, just to have it stolen prematurely. I can't keep being a hypocrite, and I must learn to do as I say. I just wish I didn't have to lie to do it.
I'm such a fucking asshole.
**
Wow, I can't believe I just let that all out on LJ. I used to care that people would read this. Fuck it.