Okay, chicks and chickadees, cats and kittens. This is the last set of sermon notes on God’s design for families and marriage, and it is about mothers
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I know it doesn't mean just sex, however emotional intimacy can be even more difficult for some people to achieve. Just acknowledging it isn't enough, it takes a lot of time and practice to get there. This may not be something the other partner understands coming from a different background. For instance if one partner comes from a family where they didn't see their parents say 'I love you' often or at all, they may think that's normal so they mimic it, whereas the other person may not understand why they don't ever hear it. I know you've been talking about love languages and having partners respond accordingly to the language best suited to their partner, but it's something they may not find important or think is because they've never seen it.
A trust issue isn't something can be solved through conversations alone. It has to be earned, and it may take years for someone to believe that they can tell their partner everything or even most things about themselves without it coming back to be thrown in their face. Experience may have taught them not to share because opening up to others has resulted in their emotions or past to be used as ammo in an argument- I can't name one person who this hasn't happened to at least once in their life even if it wasn't by a romantic partner, although it hurts much more deeply when it has been.
Also, if it's a problem sexually, not all of them can be fixed. For instance if it's Vaginitis which is quite common, there are some treatments however like everything else they may not work, but more often women may not know there is a problem. If it's always been like that why complain? I realize that isn't healthy and they should communicate with their partner, but may simply not occur to them that is a problem.
If there was ever a traumatic event, sexually such as a rape or other event (might not even be sexual) where the individual felt taken advantage of, those same emotions could be triggered by the close contact with their partner. The fear and anxiety that surround these events aren't simply going to go away on their own, they have to feel safe in their own skin again-how long that takes really depends on the individual and as much as their partner wants to help them I think its something the only individual can achieve.
My main problem with all of this, is that throughout it all no one has ever mentioned compromise. I know that to have achieved the relationship you want, all of these things you've mentioned may be true. But along the way there's got to be a compromise-at least for a while for each member of the relationship to get their own shit together (if they haven't all ready) before they move forward together.
I think a lot of stuff you brought up tends to come up before marriage. If it doesn't, then doesn't that already show a lack of trust or respect that will just cause problems further down the road?
This is why a lot of couples will take part in pre-counseling. You really have to make a lot of decisions and come to terms with a lot of things about yourself before you can enter into what should be a lifelong commitment.
Of course there has to be compromise; I thought that was a given.
Anyway, when you get down to the bottom of it, marriage is about two people becoming one person. In order to do that, you have to be aware of your other half, not be selfish, and understand you are no longer making decisions for just yourself. The decisions you make effect the life and well-being of your spouse and any other living creature in your household, so you have to be responsible.
Analogy time: if your leg was badly cut, would your hands not do something about it simply because it's a different part of the body? Would your eyes just look away and let your brain ignore it? If that happens, the entire body begins to fail. Marriage and family, as I have come to understand it, is much the same. You don't let your leg wound fester; would you let a damaged spouse fester?
Of course, anyone who would needs a smack upside the head, and I think these sermons helped make that apparent for some people. One woman I know had been ignoring her own marital problems for ages, busying herself with her children and her housework. It wasn't until hearing the first few of these sermons that she finally decided that she needed to quit trying to push down her emotions and discuss the problems with her husband. Some people just need to be nudged a bit and they will draw their own conclusions based on what little is given them.
A trust issue isn't something can be solved through conversations alone. It has to be earned, and it may take years for someone to believe that they can tell their partner everything or even most things about themselves without it coming back to be thrown in their face. Experience may have taught them not to share because opening up to others has resulted in their emotions or past to be used as ammo in an argument- I can't name one person who this hasn't happened to at least once in their life even if it wasn't by a romantic partner, although it hurts much more deeply when it has been.
Also, if it's a problem sexually, not all of them can be fixed. For instance if it's Vaginitis which is quite common, there are some treatments however like everything else they may not work, but more often women may not know there is a problem. If it's always been like that why complain? I realize that isn't healthy and they should communicate with their partner, but may simply not occur to them that is a problem.
If there was ever a traumatic event, sexually such as a rape or other event (might not even be sexual) where the individual felt taken advantage of, those same emotions could be triggered by the close contact with their partner. The fear and anxiety that surround these events aren't simply going to go away on their own, they have to feel safe in their own skin again-how long that takes really depends on the individual and as much as their partner wants to help them I think its something the only individual can achieve.
My main problem with all of this, is that throughout it all no one has ever mentioned compromise. I know that to have achieved the relationship you want, all of these things you've mentioned may be true. But along the way there's got to be a compromise-at least for a while for each member of the relationship to get their own shit together (if they haven't all ready) before they move forward together.
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This is why a lot of couples will take part in pre-counseling. You really have to make a lot of decisions and come to terms with a lot of things about yourself before you can enter into what should be a lifelong commitment.
Of course there has to be compromise; I thought that was a given.
Anyway, when you get down to the bottom of it, marriage is about two people becoming one person. In order to do that, you have to be aware of your other half, not be selfish, and understand you are no longer making decisions for just yourself. The decisions you make effect the life and well-being of your spouse and any other living creature in your household, so you have to be responsible.
Analogy time: if your leg was badly cut, would your hands not do something about it simply because it's a different part of the body? Would your eyes just look away and let your brain ignore it? If that happens, the entire body begins to fail. Marriage and family, as I have come to understand it, is much the same. You don't let your leg wound fester; would you let a damaged spouse fester?
Of course, anyone who would needs a smack upside the head, and I think these sermons helped make that apparent for some people. One woman I know had been ignoring her own marital problems for ages, busying herself with her children and her housework. It wasn't until hearing the first few of these sermons that she finally decided that she needed to quit trying to push down her emotions and discuss the problems with her husband. Some people just need to be nudged a bit and they will draw their own conclusions based on what little is given them.
Reply
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