concerning the last entry
I have cooled down enough to write a long and detailed post addressing the main reason I was upset. I take a while to get down to the point, but I get there eventually.
I don’t share much with people. I pretend to, but I leave a lot unsaid. If anyone is actually interested in what I think, I make them jump through hoops to prove it before telling them anything. It turns out that I also tend to do this with my family.
I do a lot of out-loud speculating. I talk a lot about things I’m learning about and trying to form opinions on. I sometimes don’t know my opinion until I say it out loud. Similarly, I may not know what I *don’t* believe to be true until I say it out loud. You may have heard me do that at some point. It probably sounded something like this:
“There is a problem with squirrels in this area; they keep jumping out in front of cars and making people swerve, causing all kinds of accidents. We should probably start thinning the population by poisoning their food source, but only right by the road, so that it pushes them back some and away from traffic... No, wait, that’s horrible! I don’t actually think that!”
I don’t always correct myself. Sometimes I wait for responses to ideas, or I see where they take conversations. I’m interested in how other people think.
Sometimes I say things to get a reaction. Sometimes I say things to build up a weird image of what it is I think so that I can have my secret thoughts for myself… Which, now that I’ve actually written that out, sounds absolutely crazy. Which is part of why I may have asked you whether you or not you think I may have mild mental issues. It’s not a huge concern, really. Just something I think about.
The more relevant something feels to me, the more it comes up in conversation. For instance, if you hear me talking about politics at all, it isn’t because I actually give a damn. It’s because there’s a presidential election coming up and I need to have some sort of an opinion about it because there are a couple people who will shoot me if I don’t vote.
If you hear me talking about marriage, it’s because I’m suddenly struck by the fact that I’m graduating in less than a year, after which, I have to be a grown-up, and what exactly is it that grown-up people do? Move out, pay bills, buy cars, clean up after themselves, get jobs, get married, get babies. For as non-conventional as I think I come across as, I do follow the book in a lot of ways. I got a job as soon as I was old enough to, and have steadily kept myself employed in one way or another since then. I got my driver’s license as soon as I was able - even paid for the driver’s ed myself, and took very little time in finding a working car. My daddy did pay for it, yes, but I would gladly have paid the $150 for it myself. I graduated high school right on time. I’m going to the college I applied early-admission for. I don’t wait around for things - I just never have.
Marriage has been on my mind for a lot of reasons lately, which is why I keep talking about it - though, if you will kindly notice, a lot of it has been in non-serious ways. Here are some of the reasons I’ve been thinking about it:
1. The three (non-related) girls I talk to on any kind of regular basis are in happy, committed relationships that are on the brink of that next-step seriousness, whether they’re getting engaged or moving in with their man. And they talk about it A LOT.
2. There are, on average, between two and four married or engaged girls in each of my classes at school.
3. Within a year’s time, my older sister has gotten married, and two of my cousins have, as well.
4. The preacher’s daughter-in-law at my church is my age and *very* pregnant.
5. The two my-age women at church it was suggested I befriend are also married.
Now please try to tell me that none of you ever look around at the people in your family or peer group and compare yourselves to them.
All I have really tried to suggest to anyone is that I have reached an age where I need to start thinking seriously about the sorts of things that will happen in my life after I graduate. I don’t know who I’m going to marry, but I do know that I will spend most of my life with that person, and that it will be someone I will love so fully and completely that I won’t want to waste a second not being married to him. I am anxious in the same way that I was on Christmas Eve when I was five. I know that I will be given something incredible, that something amazing is about to happen, but it will happen when it is time to happen, and not a moment before that. I would not sabotage the rest of my life by running off and marrying the wrong person just because I got impatient.
I don’t know the timing on this. I *do* know that I won’t get My Fabulous Marriage until I can act like a grown-up. Regardless, it is only natural for me to start getting worked up and talkative about it. The majority of my life hinges on this, remember? Trust that I’m not going to be an idiot on it. I’ve started paying more attention to marriages, relationships between husbands and wives and between parents and children. I’ve got a mental bank full of Marriage Material, as it were, and I’m taking notes now so that I don’t screw up later. This is what I’ve done with almost every other major experience in my life - that’s why my adolescence went so smoothly for my parents.
I have not given myself a time frame for my wedding to occur in, though I do admit that I’ll be disappointed if I don’t have a husband by the time I’m twenty-five. Yes, I get excited when I see babies, and yes, I want to have several of my own. Don’t you dare for a minute, though, expect me to jump on the first guy who proposes and yelp, “We are eloping! You must impregnate me immediately!”
You can start worrying once I’ve planned out every facet of my wedding. I’m not even making a move on that one until I’m sure I’ve got someone I want. Also, according to the book, I need to live alone and learn to take care of myself, a plant, and a dog before I get married.
Think what you want, but I wouldn’t really say that I’ve been obsessing about this, and if I have been even mildly obsessed, I think it’s been showing itself in very healthy ways with very few delusions. If you think differently on this, it’s because you’ve never welcomed me to a serious conversation on it, or you never jumped through enough hoops to get to one. Treat me with respect and maybe I'll trust you enough to talk with you frankly on this.
I don’t share much with people. I pretend to, but I leave a lot unsaid. If anyone is actually interested in what I think, I make them jump through hoops to prove it before telling them anything. It turns out that I also tend to do this with my family.
I do a lot of out-loud speculating. I talk a lot about things I’m learning about and trying to form opinions on. I sometimes don’t know my opinion until I say it out loud. Similarly, I may not know what I *don’t* believe to be true until I say it out loud. You may have heard me do that at some point. It probably sounded something like this:
“There is a problem with squirrels in this area; they keep jumping out in front of cars and making people swerve, causing all kinds of accidents. We should probably start thinning the population by poisoning their food source, but only right by the road, so that it pushes them back some and away from traffic... No, wait, that’s horrible! I don’t actually think that!”
I don’t always correct myself. Sometimes I wait for responses to ideas, or I see where they take conversations. I’m interested in how other people think.
Sometimes I say things to get a reaction. Sometimes I say things to build up a weird image of what it is I think so that I can have my secret thoughts for myself… Which, now that I’ve actually written that out, sounds absolutely crazy. Which is part of why I may have asked you whether you or not you think I may have mild mental issues. It’s not a huge concern, really. Just something I think about.
The more relevant something feels to me, the more it comes up in conversation. For instance, if you hear me talking about politics at all, it isn’t because I actually give a damn. It’s because there’s a presidential election coming up and I need to have some sort of an opinion about it because there are a couple people who will shoot me if I don’t vote.
If you hear me talking about marriage, it’s because I’m suddenly struck by the fact that I’m graduating in less than a year, after which, I have to be a grown-up, and what exactly is it that grown-up people do? Move out, pay bills, buy cars, clean up after themselves, get jobs, get married, get babies. For as non-conventional as I think I come across as, I do follow the book in a lot of ways. I got a job as soon as I was old enough to, and have steadily kept myself employed in one way or another since then. I got my driver’s license as soon as I was able - even paid for the driver’s ed myself, and took very little time in finding a working car. My daddy did pay for it, yes, but I would gladly have paid the $150 for it myself. I graduated high school right on time. I’m going to the college I applied early-admission for. I don’t wait around for things - I just never have.
Marriage has been on my mind for a lot of reasons lately, which is why I keep talking about it - though, if you will kindly notice, a lot of it has been in non-serious ways. Here are some of the reasons I’ve been thinking about it:
1. The three (non-related) girls I talk to on any kind of regular basis are in happy, committed relationships that are on the brink of that next-step seriousness, whether they’re getting engaged or moving in with their man. And they talk about it A LOT.
2. There are, on average, between two and four married or engaged girls in each of my classes at school.
3. Within a year’s time, my older sister has gotten married, and two of my cousins have, as well.
4. The preacher’s daughter-in-law at my church is my age and *very* pregnant.
5. The two my-age women at church it was suggested I befriend are also married.
Now please try to tell me that none of you ever look around at the people in your family or peer group and compare yourselves to them.
All I have really tried to suggest to anyone is that I have reached an age where I need to start thinking seriously about the sorts of things that will happen in my life after I graduate. I don’t know who I’m going to marry, but I do know that I will spend most of my life with that person, and that it will be someone I will love so fully and completely that I won’t want to waste a second not being married to him. I am anxious in the same way that I was on Christmas Eve when I was five. I know that I will be given something incredible, that something amazing is about to happen, but it will happen when it is time to happen, and not a moment before that. I would not sabotage the rest of my life by running off and marrying the wrong person just because I got impatient.
I don’t know the timing on this. I *do* know that I won’t get My Fabulous Marriage until I can act like a grown-up. Regardless, it is only natural for me to start getting worked up and talkative about it. The majority of my life hinges on this, remember? Trust that I’m not going to be an idiot on it. I’ve started paying more attention to marriages, relationships between husbands and wives and between parents and children. I’ve got a mental bank full of Marriage Material, as it were, and I’m taking notes now so that I don’t screw up later. This is what I’ve done with almost every other major experience in my life - that’s why my adolescence went so smoothly for my parents.
I have not given myself a time frame for my wedding to occur in, though I do admit that I’ll be disappointed if I don’t have a husband by the time I’m twenty-five. Yes, I get excited when I see babies, and yes, I want to have several of my own. Don’t you dare for a minute, though, expect me to jump on the first guy who proposes and yelp, “We are eloping! You must impregnate me immediately!”
You can start worrying once I’ve planned out every facet of my wedding. I’m not even making a move on that one until I’m sure I’ve got someone I want. Also, according to the book, I need to live alone and learn to take care of myself, a plant, and a dog before I get married.
Think what you want, but I wouldn’t really say that I’ve been obsessing about this, and if I have been even mildly obsessed, I think it’s been showing itself in very healthy ways with very few delusions. If you think differently on this, it’s because you’ve never welcomed me to a serious conversation on it, or you never jumped through enough hoops to get to one. Treat me with respect and maybe I'll trust you enough to talk with you frankly on this.