STAR TREK: these are not the fics you're looking for
Title: These are Not the Fic You're Looking For
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Gen or K/S
... see, the last time I did this I ended up writing 20,000 of RPS hooker fic, but I'm sure this will end well!
SCENES FROM STAR TREK FIC I WILL NEVER WRITE
AND I MEAN IT THIS TIME
NOT LIKE THE HOOKER FIC
I WILL NEVER WRITE THIS SHIT
UNLESS YOU BRIBE ME AND THERE IS BOOZE
A LOT OF BOOZE
AND CHOCOLATE
AND IT HAD BETTER BE GOOD BOO - HEY, IS THAT A MAI TAI?
THE BOY BAND AU:
Interview with Music Star, idol magazine:
K: Hahaha no seriously, McCoy is like, the allergy police.
M: Hey!
K: I swear to God, there's two people who know all of my allergies.
Music: You and McCoy?
K: No, McCoy and Spock. [[laughs]] Spock was so relieved when McCoy joined ENTERPRISE. I had an unexpected reaction to -- oh man, I forget what it was --
M: It was a walnut dressing on asparagus.
K: How do you even remember that?
M: Unlike SOME people, mind-numbin' terror sticks in my mind.
K: Anyway, Spock kind of panicked, but McCoy just jumped up and started yelling for an epi-pen and then he stabbed me in the thigh so hard I bruised. He got Spock to list off my allergies --
M: I know Spock's got that whole cool mysterious thing goin' on, but I thought he was gonna pass out.
K: He was really upset! He kept saying, I checked everything, I checked everything, and I remember lying there thinking, Oh my God, I'm on House.
M: So then Spock went and scared the caterin' staff and we figured out what caused it --
K: -- but I still had to spend the night in the hospital. I woke up and McCoy was lecturing Spock on what to do the next time I had a reaction. He was like, An' when the dumbass starts turnin' blue in the face, first you stab him with one of his epi-pens an' then you start hollerin' for me and an ambulance. And Spock was like, What if we do not have an epi-pen available? and McCoy was like, Oh, we will.
M: We all three of us carry them now.
K: Spock even carries his on stage. I'd call him paranoid --
M: -- but some of the smoke stuff they use can give Kirk here migraines. In fact, Chris Pike, our boss, finally decided it was cheaper to rent a suite with a kitchen than it was to pay for that one's ER visits, so we cook all our own food on tour.
K: And by that he means, Spock does.
Music: Spock cooks?
M: Hell yeah.
K: He's an awesome cook, believe it or not. We go to the grocery store or one of our staffers goes and reads off ingredients for him on the phone, and he and McCoy pick stuff based on 'Will kill Jim' or 'Will not kill Jim' --
M: Don't think we've never been tempted by the 'will kill' column.
K: -- and that's what we eat. I'll tell you what, it's like, Wow, you guys must love me if you're eating Rice Dream with me!
M: It's no skin offa Spock's back, he's a vegetarian.
K: But sometimes McCoy sneaks off and eats big greasy burgers and lets me sniff his breath afterward.
M: I DO NOT. [[scuffling sounds]] You're disgusting!
Music: Speaking of Spock, where is he today?
K: Oh, he had some sort of family thing today. You know how it is, with touring and all...
THE CAT AND/OR DOG FIC
(Spock is some sort of sighthound from the middle east crossed with lab.)
Jim switched his golden-tabby tail, as if to say, I'm coming up; make a lap, and suited action to intent by sailing gracefully into Len's lap. He turned around twice and then looked over the side of the bed and gave a commanding chirr.
"No dogs on the -- owowgoddammit FINE, he can get up here if it makes you happy!" said Len, and Jim unhooked his claws from Len's thigh. Spock jumped up beside them, curling his long legs gracefully under him.
Jim, satisfied that Len, at least, was obeying his will, reached out an imperious paw and flattened it on Spock's muzzle to hold him still while he scrubbed Spock's forehead.
"I always thought it would be the other way around," said Len, as Spock let out a resigned puff of air and put his nose on his paws. He fished up an afghan and threw it partly over Spock.
Jim began to purr, loudly and in the key of 'smug'.
"But then again," said Len.
THE VAMPIRE AU
(okay there is some sort of vague plot/planning in this one, d/t thinking about it on the MAX - Vulcans are vampires, or rather, the current Vulcans are vampires and the Vulcans that weren't vampires were on the verge of dying out and then fled to become Romulans. NO REALLY. Anyway, Spock is a vampire. Everybody's pretty much aware of the vampire thing and human Starfleet personnel wear high collars for safety's sake.)
(And for Christ's sake, Spock does not sparkle.)
"I believe," said Spock, his voice tight as he fought for control, "my ... creation ... was an experiment on the part of my father's people to ... Captain, forgive me, but the thirst is very strong, and you are standing close to me."
Jim took a step back. "To...?" he prodded.
"To - to expand ... modern Vulcans live mainly on replicated compounds. The carriers of the original compound fled us, and even after more were born, they remained very rare." Spock took a deep breath, and Jim saw the points of fangs begin to descend from his mouth. "It was thought, that if Terran and Vulcan blood could be combined, perhaps even if Vulcans could not drink of them, the hybrid at least could drink of ..." Spock sucked in a deep hissing breath. "Captain - Jim, I beg of you --"
Jim was pretty sure Spock wanted him to run, but that was too damn bad. He looked in Spock's eyes, holding them while he unzipped the heavy regulation collar, exposing his throat.
Spock's eyes dropped to Jim's neck and the vein pounding there. "Jim," he hissed.
"I'm not afraid," said Jim, tilting his neck up to display his throat. "Are you?"
INEVITABLE CROSSOVER ONE
"What's a gummi, then?" said Scotty, wary.
"What's a gummi, he says!" shrieked one chipmunk.
"He wants to know what's a gummi!" howled the other one.
"It's only the best thing to build a ship with in the WHOLE, WIDE WORLD!"
Scotty thought about this for a minute, eyed the two tiny creatures, and said, "Right, who's for a sandwich?"
INEVITABLE (OR WAS, AND THEN I BROKE UP WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY WERE A BUNCH OF ABUSIVE ASSHOLES THAT KEPT BREAKING MY HEART AND CRUSHING MY SOUL) CROSSOVER TWO:
"I like this one," said the one dressed in black, pointing at McCoy. "He seems sane."
"You only like him because he has booze," argued the one in white, and the one in black glowered at him while the two kids - barely Academy age, barely SFA Prep age, thought McCoy in horror, though the boy stood in front of the girl with barely leashed protectiveness - stood waiting as if for a signal from one of the older men.
"Is this, like, a tribble?" wondered Jim, poking at the white thing perched on his hand.
"What's a tribble?" said the boy, his eyes lighting up with curiosity.
"Mokona's not a tribble!" chirped the white thing indignantly.
"I need a drink," decided McCoy.
YEAH, YOU KNOW MIRROR KIRK AND NU KIRK WOULD GET ALONG LIKE A HOUSE AFIRE:
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" said Jim.
"Maybe," said other-Jim. "But I'm almost out of the stuff to induce pon farr and I promised his mother I'd save it for a special occasion."
There was a thoughtful silence.
"Then again," said other-Jim, "what occasion could be more special than this?"
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Gen or K/S
... see, the last time I did this I ended up writing 20,000 of RPS hooker fic, but I'm sure this will end well!
SCENES FROM STAR TREK FIC I WILL NEVER WRITE
AND I MEAN IT THIS TIME
NOT LIKE THE HOOKER FIC
I WILL NEVER WRITE THIS SHIT
UNLESS YOU BRIBE ME AND THERE IS BOOZE
A LOT OF BOOZE
AND CHOCOLATE
AND IT HAD BETTER BE GOOD BOO - HEY, IS THAT A MAI TAI?
THE BOY BAND AU:
Interview with Music Star, idol magazine:
K: Hahaha no seriously, McCoy is like, the allergy police.
M: Hey!
K: I swear to God, there's two people who know all of my allergies.
Music: You and McCoy?
K: No, McCoy and Spock. [[laughs]] Spock was so relieved when McCoy joined ENTERPRISE. I had an unexpected reaction to -- oh man, I forget what it was --
M: It was a walnut dressing on asparagus.
K: How do you even remember that?
M: Unlike SOME people, mind-numbin' terror sticks in my mind.
K: Anyway, Spock kind of panicked, but McCoy just jumped up and started yelling for an epi-pen and then he stabbed me in the thigh so hard I bruised. He got Spock to list off my allergies --
M: I know Spock's got that whole cool mysterious thing goin' on, but I thought he was gonna pass out.
K: He was really upset! He kept saying, I checked everything, I checked everything, and I remember lying there thinking, Oh my God, I'm on House.
M: So then Spock went and scared the caterin' staff and we figured out what caused it --
K: -- but I still had to spend the night in the hospital. I woke up and McCoy was lecturing Spock on what to do the next time I had a reaction. He was like, An' when the dumbass starts turnin' blue in the face, first you stab him with one of his epi-pens an' then you start hollerin' for me and an ambulance. And Spock was like, What if we do not have an epi-pen available? and McCoy was like, Oh, we will.
M: We all three of us carry them now.
K: Spock even carries his on stage. I'd call him paranoid --
M: -- but some of the smoke stuff they use can give Kirk here migraines. In fact, Chris Pike, our boss, finally decided it was cheaper to rent a suite with a kitchen than it was to pay for that one's ER visits, so we cook all our own food on tour.
K: And by that he means, Spock does.
Music: Spock cooks?
M: Hell yeah.
K: He's an awesome cook, believe it or not. We go to the grocery store or one of our staffers goes and reads off ingredients for him on the phone, and he and McCoy pick stuff based on 'Will kill Jim' or 'Will not kill Jim' --
M: Don't think we've never been tempted by the 'will kill' column.
K: -- and that's what we eat. I'll tell you what, it's like, Wow, you guys must love me if you're eating Rice Dream with me!
M: It's no skin offa Spock's back, he's a vegetarian.
K: But sometimes McCoy sneaks off and eats big greasy burgers and lets me sniff his breath afterward.
M: I DO NOT. [[scuffling sounds]] You're disgusting!
Music: Speaking of Spock, where is he today?
K: Oh, he had some sort of family thing today. You know how it is, with touring and all...
THE CAT AND/OR DOG FIC
(Spock is some sort of sighthound from the middle east crossed with lab.)
Jim switched his golden-tabby tail, as if to say, I'm coming up; make a lap, and suited action to intent by sailing gracefully into Len's lap. He turned around twice and then looked over the side of the bed and gave a commanding chirr.
"No dogs on the -- owowgoddammit FINE, he can get up here if it makes you happy!" said Len, and Jim unhooked his claws from Len's thigh. Spock jumped up beside them, curling his long legs gracefully under him.
Jim, satisfied that Len, at least, was obeying his will, reached out an imperious paw and flattened it on Spock's muzzle to hold him still while he scrubbed Spock's forehead.
"I always thought it would be the other way around," said Len, as Spock let out a resigned puff of air and put his nose on his paws. He fished up an afghan and threw it partly over Spock.
Jim began to purr, loudly and in the key of 'smug'.
"But then again," said Len.
THE VAMPIRE AU
(okay there is some sort of vague plot/planning in this one, d/t thinking about it on the MAX - Vulcans are vampires, or rather, the current Vulcans are vampires and the Vulcans that weren't vampires were on the verge of dying out and then fled to become Romulans. NO REALLY. Anyway, Spock is a vampire. Everybody's pretty much aware of the vampire thing and human Starfleet personnel wear high collars for safety's sake.)
(And for Christ's sake, Spock does not sparkle.)
"I believe," said Spock, his voice tight as he fought for control, "my ... creation ... was an experiment on the part of my father's people to ... Captain, forgive me, but the thirst is very strong, and you are standing close to me."
Jim took a step back. "To...?" he prodded.
"To - to expand ... modern Vulcans live mainly on replicated compounds. The carriers of the original compound fled us, and even after more were born, they remained very rare." Spock took a deep breath, and Jim saw the points of fangs begin to descend from his mouth. "It was thought, that if Terran and Vulcan blood could be combined, perhaps even if Vulcans could not drink of them, the hybrid at least could drink of ..." Spock sucked in a deep hissing breath. "Captain - Jim, I beg of you --"
Jim was pretty sure Spock wanted him to run, but that was too damn bad. He looked in Spock's eyes, holding them while he unzipped the heavy regulation collar, exposing his throat.
Spock's eyes dropped to Jim's neck and the vein pounding there. "Jim," he hissed.
"I'm not afraid," said Jim, tilting his neck up to display his throat. "Are you?"
INEVITABLE CROSSOVER ONE
"What's a gummi, then?" said Scotty, wary.
"What's a gummi, he says!" shrieked one chipmunk.
"He wants to know what's a gummi!" howled the other one.
"It's only the best thing to build a ship with in the WHOLE, WIDE WORLD!"
Scotty thought about this for a minute, eyed the two tiny creatures, and said, "Right, who's for a sandwich?"
INEVITABLE (OR WAS, AND THEN I BROKE UP WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY WERE A BUNCH OF ABUSIVE ASSHOLES THAT KEPT BREAKING MY HEART AND CRUSHING MY SOUL) CROSSOVER TWO:
"I like this one," said the one dressed in black, pointing at McCoy. "He seems sane."
"You only like him because he has booze," argued the one in white, and the one in black glowered at him while the two kids - barely Academy age, barely SFA Prep age, thought McCoy in horror, though the boy stood in front of the girl with barely leashed protectiveness - stood waiting as if for a signal from one of the older men.
"Is this, like, a tribble?" wondered Jim, poking at the white thing perched on his hand.
"What's a tribble?" said the boy, his eyes lighting up with curiosity.
"Mokona's not a tribble!" chirped the white thing indignantly.
"I need a drink," decided McCoy.
YEAH, YOU KNOW MIRROR KIRK AND NU KIRK WOULD GET ALONG LIKE A HOUSE AFIRE:
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" said Jim.
"Maybe," said other-Jim. "But I'm almost out of the stuff to induce pon farr and I promised his mother I'd save it for a special occasion."
There was a thoughtful silence.
"Then again," said other-Jim, "what occasion could be more special than this?"