heh.
Today i was supposed to meet some college teacher from Midlands tech to tlak bout scholarships. But wouldnt you know it just my luck she falls sick. I knew she was sick hours before i found out. pathetic. i hate how i dont listen to myself. expecially even though i know for a 100% fact i know almost everything i see up there is true and will happen here. Alwell. Tired of this stuff. nothing ever goes right for me jus wrong wrong wrong. Now im confused bout a lot of things. No one listens to me im jus a blank spot whos there. everyone laughs at me and says im funny. how am i funny? i jus babble. I sure wish i could talk to jessica again i miss her. she fell sick not too long ago her friend says shes better and i know its true cuz its like i can feel what shes feeling. One night she was crying. I knew she was crying. i started crying for no reason at all. Dont even know why. I jus felt something inside that truely hurt. it was like a mentallity break down inside. I love Jessica i Like another girl thats in Virginia or something. The girl in Virginia is cute i like her things she does and says its great. But i dunno...shes changed a lot and i dont know what to beleieve anymore. she seems as if she is gonna turn into other girls...Who truely takes pornagraphy as a humorous joke? its sick and disgusting. Its jus a picture of some naked girl that some horny bastard jerks off to. I cant wait till im 17. Im going to get away. im not gonna be found. Ima leave without a trace. Im tired of hurting others im tired of being hurt im tired of feeling this way. Jessica would prolly be better off without me anyhow wouldnt she? i mean after all ive done in the past year. called her a slut put all my anger and problems on her. and why? cuz she asked. cuz i couldnt control it. its all just an excuse. I didnt even try to control it all. I sure wish i did though. i sure wish i never hurt her. Who cares if she hurt me? Slept with another guy didnt wait for me. filed a restraining order on me made me look like an asshole who likes to control people...i did take a lot from her and yet i still see her the same..i still feel the same. Im jus shredded cuz of it all. One girl can make you feel so miserable. bring out the worst of tears in you. This feeling i feel for her Must be love. I dont know. All i know is no matter what she does..i still see the same perfect person i met. Who cares if shes had sex before. who cares if i wasnt the one. Shes still pure in my eyes. shes still the same. I dont care if we ever have sex anyway. i just want her. and what am i for that? im an asshole..a wacky phycotic maniac...i still get called that. why are the different people in life always stomped into the ground by those they love? My family told me straight to my face i was nothing to them. Didnt care if i lived or died. i was non existant..that really hurt. i ran i didnt know what to do or say i was so hurt and stunned. Right at the moment in the dark i wanted to jump in front of the traffic. What stopped me? The same thought that stops me from doing any harm to myself. Jessica. Thats how i know That i didnt wanna be in Ohio. I wanted to be near her. Closer to her. I havent any friends i havent any family really. im different than others so im outkasted. One saw me for who i was but then she got hooked up with boyfriends who only wanted to use her and didnt know who i was anymore..she sees me as those other guys who used her..said the words i said jus to get to bed with her. I ment everyword i ever said to her. Dont care if we ever sleep together. her being there is pleasure enough. sex would be great but not as great as her being there. One other person saw who i was to. Her name is Kate. shes the Virginia girl or whatever. She saw who i was and tried to not get me to put myself down but then she gave up. Thats what i didnt like bout her the most..she gave up too ezily...Jessica stood there...She still tried..even now she tries and she still wont put her anger on me she still wont hurt me and she still wont wish any harm to me. Even after all ive done and said to her shes still the same way to me. She says she cries everytime we havent talked for so long and then finally talk. There must be something there...even if neither of us understand it....she said soemtimes she felt like she knew me too much she was too comfortable with me like she felt safe. but too safe. thats what scared her a lot. Is that a good thing or a bad thing i want to ask myself? I wish i was closer. i wish she knew me. i wish things were different. everyone sees me as such a bad person...why are the honest people liars and the liars truth? Why are the Honest people Bad and the Liars good...why are those who care....seen as someone who will kill you without a second thought...yet those who dont care...are seen as the most perfect people. I wish i understood more. i wish i knew some things. I want a job. I need Money. I want to see her. i will do anything to get time with her. I promised Kate to though. that i would go see her when i could as well. Maybe see if its true for us. Deep down though..i think im hopeing its Jess though. Its so strong for jess and feels so empty with Kate. I like Kate a lot...but..its like i dont truely like her. And she will prolly read this to..which makes it worse. I guess everyone needs to know the truth? I hope me and kate can jus be friends even if Jessica is the one for me. I jus hope Im the one for jessica as well. hope she feels the same way i do for her. Eitherway ima go...i sure wish i could get some comments posted.