omg.
You knhow whats most pathetic bout my life? Every girl that i know sooner or later has sex for NO GOOD REASOn and then when i get madf at em for it and try to confront them for it or such their obnly excuse is "I WAS HORNY" its like wtf? thats the only reason? where is love? where is feeling? WHERE IS THE GOOD REASON OTHER THAN FUN?! its becomeing to be very irritateing. alwell. Wonder if jess will ever talk to me again? I miss her a lot and the conversations that were acually good..miss some of the bad ones to...miss the bad ones cuz she acually stood up for herself..like i wanted..She never seems to do that and is still like "I dont know" when i ask her what she wants what she feels. I want her to know these thigns cuz if she doesnt her path will be bad. Is it wrong for me to do this stuff? I sure hope not i wanna do whats good. but how do i know what im doing is good or bad? Alwell i guess jus to keep trying. I sure hope she speaks to me again...i hope im the one for her sometime in the future. Other than feeling bad over that im doing ok. Jus a lil fustrated that every girl i know seems to turn bad someway or another and 96% of em is turning to sexuality purposes. not for love not for anything. either to get back at someone or juus for fun or cuz they are jus horny at the time...i seriously wonder how some would feel bout me..what if i did that? jus cuz i was horny? jus cuz i wanted it? Me being a guy itd be liek YOU GIRL USER blah blah blah and go back to control....i hate being a guy cuz im cursed with everyone thinking im an automatic pervert like the rest..all i want is whats below...im so mistakened in life but can i ever really show im not? no...cuz other guys alrdy did that..acted like they were sweet lil angels then all of a sudden turned...I dont really wanna be a girl either...guys always harrassing me..then keep annoying me to sleep with them...either way its a dead end...why am i alive if happiness is so hard to get? I had happy times..everytime i talked to Jess...always make me laugh smile feel happy for that brief moment...i havent been that happy in a long time..not since foster care...when i acually had a life and friends..and now thats taken away cuz i want her to be happy...i sure hope letting her go this time makes her happy..i dont wanna feel miserable for nothing...I usaully get mad and try fighting for her to stay...i still want to do that..but i dont wanna seem like a monster again..dont wanna seem like a bad person anymore....i wonder if it was true what she said to me over the phone that one night..."I sorta like you for keep comeing after me..not letting me go..sorta flattering.." somewhat along those lines thats what she said...wonder if it was true...does it mean something? if everything happens for a reason...was that the key? how come when she said it i never thought anything of it..but now...as shes seperated from me again...by anger..and hurt...and depression and confuseion...im thinking bout it..it jus appears in my head....is it appearing cuz its what i need to do...or should i really let her go this time? i dont know anymore i wish i did..i wish i knew what she wanted. I wish i had more money..Id do anything to see her for jus one second..anything for one second and anything again for another...Shes worth it all even now..i cant even tell her all these things because she doesnt believe it and shes hurt by em it seems..hurt i guess cuz im so far....am i really as perfect as everyone claims i am? jus my anger makes me bad.....Every perfection has its flaws..someone once said...i forget who...if im this "perfect being" my flaw must be my anger..jealousy...low self-confidence.. I wish i was fully perfect..for her. I try changeing took a year but i finally did it i think..i hope..i know im doing better..jus i hurt her a lot in the last year...ive tried changeing so much that it struck a lot of anger opoints so every week we were fighting...how come i couldnt control it? how come i could control it at other times...how come in the last year..i couldnt control any bit of my anger even for a second? even for her...do i really have that much in me? or do i jus care for her but not really love her? I wish she understood...i wish she could forget who i used to be...i wish things could be better for us...I might be getting a college scholarship to any college i want...i tried cuz of her..her and her dad are worried bout me failing..and i really want her..so i tried..I dont care bout it but i do care bout them..her dad really made me mad and i took it out on her...i didnt know what he was saying was true...i didnt know cuz she never would tell me even if i asked...but i guess thats no excuse is it? how come she never tells me if im hurting her? how come even when shes ticked at me she never puts it out on me...i keep asking her to..i dont want her to bottole it inside like i do or take it out on someone else...take it out on me i always said..angry about anything take it out on me..she always refused...but she'd always go to a friend in person crying bout me how i hurt her......how come she never really told me? she never really and truely told me i was....maybe i am jus a monster? a controlsive person...