(no subject)
okay guys....a lot of shit has happened...i'm so confused...and i'm scared that everyone is going to be mad at me. but if it makes anyone feel any better, i made a complete ass of myslef last night. i said things that i would never say out loud...and i kinda wish that i hadnt said them at all now. i guess that i'm glad i got some things off of my chest though. but now i'm afraid that things will be weird between me and him, because now he knows how i feel. i dont want that. he is one of my best friends, yes i do have feelings for him, i've had feelings for him for almost 5 years now, but its different now that i've told him face to face. i dont know. why do i always pick the ones that i cant have? lol! its a curse...well at least i can laugh about it. one guy that i fell hard for dumped me and broke my heart, and the other one i dumped a long time ago, and i ruined all my chances with him. at least we are friends and i can still see him at least. and another thing that is good about this situation is that i'm not thinking of ben. i havent been since this dormant feeling thats always been there waiting to come out again has returned. for some reason i would rather be feeing this about him than ben. ben isnt and never was worthy of my affection. this one is. he is worthy of anything. posting this probably is going to help anything, but it makes me feel better. i dont even know if he will read it, but if he does it will hopefully clear everthing up since i was pretty drunk when i was pouring my heart out to him. there is part of me that actually wants to tell him everything, and i guess this is my way of letting him know. this has been a really random post, but in the beginning i was going to write about everyone hating me, and then i realized that i didnt really care about that as much as a cared about letting him know. i mean i do care if all of my friends hate me but i know for a fact that three of the most important people in my life dont. i've already talked to two of them about the situation and the other is him. but if your reading this and i've pissed you off by my drunkin babble that i should have been more careful with (i'm not going to say that i shouldnt have told him, because i'm glad i did...now) i just want to apologize. you guys can forgive me if you want or dont if you dont want to, but think about this...if all of your friends though something aobut you that wasnt true and nobody told you, would you not be pissed. just put yourself in his position. and please dont hate me.