Realizations and Rationalizations
It's a little less than 3 days until the last weekend of faire.
I'm ready and not ready at the same time. Much has transpired this season, not all bad and not all good. I've done a lot of thinking about things recently. I've had many realizations and have tried to look at them without emotion butting it's ugly head into it.
I am tired. Not just physically, but emotionally.
I have put a lot of effort into this season of faire - concious effort - especially after beginning this season being so angry about a lot of things. I really debated whether or not I wanted to continue doing this and I think a goodly part of me still does. I hate feeling burned out on something that I truly loved. I think this happens every year.
No matter the effort I have put forth, I'm still not feeling good "enough." That bothers me. A lot. It shouldn't, but it does. I've been told that I "rock" and that I'm "awesome." Well, that's nice. Then why are these feelings of inadequacy still there? Shouldn't reassurance help?
When I accidentally hurt a good friend's feelings over something that was faire related, it made me think even more about whether or not faire was worth it. The drama that comes with this place may or may not be too little to ignore in my real life, I'm still not sure. The true friends I have, don't require using my toes - only my hands - and most of them I've known over 10 years or more. If faire is going to damage the people and friendships that I trust, is it worth it? It's a decision that remains to be decided upon.
Faire has driven a wedge in my family as well. It's better with some of the family members, worse with others. I never realized how much of an impact it would have at home. Our real lives are suffering in several areas, but blooming in other ones. Another realization - resentment is a real thing. It's affecting more than people in my household realize
Some things will never change. I am an enabler. I love deeply and hate fiercely. That's just the way it is. I blame it on being Italian. I grew up this way - sorry, deal with it. Time hasn't changed it in almost 40 years and I doubt another 40 will make much difference. Hopefully, few people will ever hear a conversation with me that starts out with, "Now, let me tell you something..." It will usually be followed up with some sort of insult or swearing. Those discussions are never a good thing.
I would have made an awesome mentor. Yes, I am still frustrated and hurt because I wasn't given the chance to help a new performer in the "official" capacity. I have lots of experience with dealing with people's issues - from stubbed toes to suicide, a random bad day to homicide. I was a cop for 17 friggin years, for chrissake! Former Chief of Police, field training officer, police instructor, peer counselor, dealt with stressful issues every day. Faire is not more important than making life and death decisions and teaching other people to do the same thing I believe that had I been a mentor, I would have made a difference in some performer's confidence and level of performance - maybe not much, but some. I also believe that the mentor program needs some kind of questionaire for mentors and mentees. It would help match them up in the very beginning and find compatable people to put together that can nurture each other while helping structure them both. I would have learned so much more by listening to a new performer every week.
I realize my ideas will never be heard. I have good ideas. Hell, I ran a whole police department. I am smart, and valuable and my ideas are worthy of being listened to. I'm not in a position to do this at faire. This frustrates me. For example: Workshops are 8 weeks long. If new performers and their mentors were required to come to rehearsals alone for the first 2 weeks and work on dialect and character only, I believe it would really give a good idea to the directorial staff on who can do it and who can not. I also believe that this would be GREATLY beneficial to the performer. Yes, it requires a bit more dedication from staff and mentors, but shouldn't making a performer be the most important thing? If not, why are you doing it in the first place? The existing cast (new character or not) should be able to pick up during the 3rd week of rehearsals and still learn what they need for the run of faire...we should know what is expected already because we've performed in the lanes! Start Improv, Guerrilla Theatre and HCM during week 3. Hell, throw in HCM during week 2 if it's necessary. New concepts are great, but why do we need to continually have the basics when we should be adult enough to know them in the first place? The basics should not be new to veteran performers with SAPA. This makes me sad and confused, like we're not smart enough to remember stuff from one year to the next. We have books and cds with the information in it - USE it!
I am loved by people at faire, but still get overlooked. I get forgotten about. Yes, I raised a rockstar. I realize this. I've watched it for years now. I live in my son's shadow. I need to come to terms with this. It's tough. I'm trying to deal with it. The little one doesn't know how to handle it either. At least we have each other.
I have ideas for a new village character next season. Eliza "Flower" Culpepper, Scarborough's bread connor. Flower is married to the Chandler - yes, I'd be the Chandler's Wife. How ironic is that? *giggle* Even with the fun and exciting new ideas, leaving Lisana behind will be tough. She's been there for me during the last 6 years. 3 off cast as a playtron and 3 on cast as a SAPA member. I believe it is time for me to stretch and grow as an actor. Maybe that will make a difference in my perception of the way things are. Maybe a change is the key. I'm not sure, but either on cast or off cast, I'm leaving Lisana behind for a while. I'll take her out for visits to other faires, but at home? She's going in a box for a while.
I will probably wake up tomorrow morning and feel fine, but not right now..
Yes, I'm being an emo kid tonight. I can. It's my blog. :P
I'm ready and not ready at the same time. Much has transpired this season, not all bad and not all good. I've done a lot of thinking about things recently. I've had many realizations and have tried to look at them without emotion butting it's ugly head into it.
I am tired. Not just physically, but emotionally.
I have put a lot of effort into this season of faire - concious effort - especially after beginning this season being so angry about a lot of things. I really debated whether or not I wanted to continue doing this and I think a goodly part of me still does. I hate feeling burned out on something that I truly loved. I think this happens every year.
No matter the effort I have put forth, I'm still not feeling good "enough." That bothers me. A lot. It shouldn't, but it does. I've been told that I "rock" and that I'm "awesome." Well, that's nice. Then why are these feelings of inadequacy still there? Shouldn't reassurance help?
When I accidentally hurt a good friend's feelings over something that was faire related, it made me think even more about whether or not faire was worth it. The drama that comes with this place may or may not be too little to ignore in my real life, I'm still not sure. The true friends I have, don't require using my toes - only my hands - and most of them I've known over 10 years or more. If faire is going to damage the people and friendships that I trust, is it worth it? It's a decision that remains to be decided upon.
Faire has driven a wedge in my family as well. It's better with some of the family members, worse with others. I never realized how much of an impact it would have at home. Our real lives are suffering in several areas, but blooming in other ones. Another realization - resentment is a real thing. It's affecting more than people in my household realize
Some things will never change. I am an enabler. I love deeply and hate fiercely. That's just the way it is. I blame it on being Italian. I grew up this way - sorry, deal with it. Time hasn't changed it in almost 40 years and I doubt another 40 will make much difference. Hopefully, few people will ever hear a conversation with me that starts out with, "Now, let me tell you something..." It will usually be followed up with some sort of insult or swearing. Those discussions are never a good thing.
I would have made an awesome mentor. Yes, I am still frustrated and hurt because I wasn't given the chance to help a new performer in the "official" capacity. I have lots of experience with dealing with people's issues - from stubbed toes to suicide, a random bad day to homicide. I was a cop for 17 friggin years, for chrissake! Former Chief of Police, field training officer, police instructor, peer counselor, dealt with stressful issues every day. Faire is not more important than making life and death decisions and teaching other people to do the same thing I believe that had I been a mentor, I would have made a difference in some performer's confidence and level of performance - maybe not much, but some. I also believe that the mentor program needs some kind of questionaire for mentors and mentees. It would help match them up in the very beginning and find compatable people to put together that can nurture each other while helping structure them both. I would have learned so much more by listening to a new performer every week.
I realize my ideas will never be heard. I have good ideas. Hell, I ran a whole police department. I am smart, and valuable and my ideas are worthy of being listened to. I'm not in a position to do this at faire. This frustrates me. For example: Workshops are 8 weeks long. If new performers and their mentors were required to come to rehearsals alone for the first 2 weeks and work on dialect and character only, I believe it would really give a good idea to the directorial staff on who can do it and who can not. I also believe that this would be GREATLY beneficial to the performer. Yes, it requires a bit more dedication from staff and mentors, but shouldn't making a performer be the most important thing? If not, why are you doing it in the first place? The existing cast (new character or not) should be able to pick up during the 3rd week of rehearsals and still learn what they need for the run of faire...we should know what is expected already because we've performed in the lanes! Start Improv, Guerrilla Theatre and HCM during week 3. Hell, throw in HCM during week 2 if it's necessary. New concepts are great, but why do we need to continually have the basics when we should be adult enough to know them in the first place? The basics should not be new to veteran performers with SAPA. This makes me sad and confused, like we're not smart enough to remember stuff from one year to the next. We have books and cds with the information in it - USE it!
I am loved by people at faire, but still get overlooked. I get forgotten about. Yes, I raised a rockstar. I realize this. I've watched it for years now. I live in my son's shadow. I need to come to terms with this. It's tough. I'm trying to deal with it. The little one doesn't know how to handle it either. At least we have each other.
I have ideas for a new village character next season. Eliza "Flower" Culpepper, Scarborough's bread connor. Flower is married to the Chandler - yes, I'd be the Chandler's Wife. How ironic is that? *giggle* Even with the fun and exciting new ideas, leaving Lisana behind will be tough. She's been there for me during the last 6 years. 3 off cast as a playtron and 3 on cast as a SAPA member. I believe it is time for me to stretch and grow as an actor. Maybe that will make a difference in my perception of the way things are. Maybe a change is the key. I'm not sure, but either on cast or off cast, I'm leaving Lisana behind for a while. I'll take her out for visits to other faires, but at home? She's going in a box for a while.
I will probably wake up tomorrow morning and feel fine, but not right now..
Yes, I'm being an emo kid tonight. I can. It's my blog. :P