my life...
So today was cold. I think the thermometer in the car said it was 8 degrees out. It was mighty cold to be wearing just a pair of khakis, long sleeve shirt, t-shirt and fleece- and to be in and out of houses all day. sometimes when it's cold enough, it makes my nose all tingly and i sneeze (happened many times today).
Greta said she heard from Marcus- got a nice long letter. apparently he wants a few things, including twinkies, sent out to him. Heh. She said he's doing really well. Sounded great.
Argh. So. with my life. I have several options to choose from. Both include being out of NH within a couple months (if you dont include my option to stay in NH and keep working). Which is a big thing for me. I'm terrible with decisions for which pair of sneakers to buy. Needless to say, I'm having one heck of a time figuring out which path to take right now with my life. I've been stressed as hell about this and work, but not like i used to get stressed. So here are the two options.
Option 1:
Send letter to family and request sponsorship for Teaching Drum. One of two Results will occur:
A. Get enough money from earnings and family, quit job, go do yearlong in May.
B. Don't end up with enough money, see Option 2.
Option 2:
Visit Twin Oaks in VA late april for 3 weeks with Marcus. come back for at least one month. possibly work till i have enough money in case I still want to do Teaching Drum next year. If accepted, and if I so choose, move to VA.
So time's ticking on this stuff. I need to decide very soon whether or not to send out that solicitation letter. I'm feeling really nervous about the possibility of doing teaching drum. I keep going back to feeling like I just wanna be with Marcus. But I don't want to do something just out of my dependency on him. I want to do something that will be good for myself. So maybe there's my answer. That I really do want to do Teaching Drum.
Teaching Drum is really something I would kick myself for if I didn't try my hardest to make it happen. I can't guarantee my relationship with Marcus, but I will always have myself. And right now, I come first. Me and my health- physical and mental.
When I think about Twin Oaks, I keep wishing that it could be an adventure that Marcus and I could start together. Both of us could visit and begin together. I keep romanticizing the idea, and I have no idea how it would really turn out. Maybe my favoring the idea has to do with how he's older, and has gotten to certain things in his life before me. And I feel as though I'm always the runner-up (which perhaps also relates with certain feelings toward Brett as well). It'd be nice to have an experience with him where we go into it hand-in-hand. (where i wouldn't feel inadequate due to lack of experience...-probably has to do with self-confidence- or lack of- and a few other things i'm guessing...) i think i'm also afraid again of the possibility of losing him to others, that he'll go off and find his niche without me and i will no longer be a part of his life. this all feels so strange. I haven't had these feelings in months. i didn't think they were still inside of me...
right now i feel different than i did last year. whether i still have fears and give in to them or not, i've grown in many ways. i can tell i have. i'm not perfect, and i've got a long way to go, but i know that i've matured a bit since last year. which leads me to wonder what i can do on my own, without teaching drum. frankly though, that wondering seems to just be so i can choose not to do teaching drum cuz i'm too scared.
all signs point to teaching drum. but it's hard to make a choice. i tend to feel bound by choices. and get mad at myself when i make the 'wrong' one. confronting pain is not really my forte. it's hard as hell for me right now. i basically know what i need to do. but i first have to get over being scared- at least temporarily.
Greta said she heard from Marcus- got a nice long letter. apparently he wants a few things, including twinkies, sent out to him. Heh. She said he's doing really well. Sounded great.
Argh. So. with my life. I have several options to choose from. Both include being out of NH within a couple months (if you dont include my option to stay in NH and keep working). Which is a big thing for me. I'm terrible with decisions for which pair of sneakers to buy. Needless to say, I'm having one heck of a time figuring out which path to take right now with my life. I've been stressed as hell about this and work, but not like i used to get stressed. So here are the two options.
Option 1:
Send letter to family and request sponsorship for Teaching Drum. One of two Results will occur:
A. Get enough money from earnings and family, quit job, go do yearlong in May.
B. Don't end up with enough money, see Option 2.
Option 2:
Visit Twin Oaks in VA late april for 3 weeks with Marcus. come back for at least one month. possibly work till i have enough money in case I still want to do Teaching Drum next year. If accepted, and if I so choose, move to VA.
So time's ticking on this stuff. I need to decide very soon whether or not to send out that solicitation letter. I'm feeling really nervous about the possibility of doing teaching drum. I keep going back to feeling like I just wanna be with Marcus. But I don't want to do something just out of my dependency on him. I want to do something that will be good for myself. So maybe there's my answer. That I really do want to do Teaching Drum.
Teaching Drum is really something I would kick myself for if I didn't try my hardest to make it happen. I can't guarantee my relationship with Marcus, but I will always have myself. And right now, I come first. Me and my health- physical and mental.
When I think about Twin Oaks, I keep wishing that it could be an adventure that Marcus and I could start together. Both of us could visit and begin together. I keep romanticizing the idea, and I have no idea how it would really turn out. Maybe my favoring the idea has to do with how he's older, and has gotten to certain things in his life before me. And I feel as though I'm always the runner-up (which perhaps also relates with certain feelings toward Brett as well). It'd be nice to have an experience with him where we go into it hand-in-hand. (where i wouldn't feel inadequate due to lack of experience...-probably has to do with self-confidence- or lack of- and a few other things i'm guessing...) i think i'm also afraid again of the possibility of losing him to others, that he'll go off and find his niche without me and i will no longer be a part of his life. this all feels so strange. I haven't had these feelings in months. i didn't think they were still inside of me...
right now i feel different than i did last year. whether i still have fears and give in to them or not, i've grown in many ways. i can tell i have. i'm not perfect, and i've got a long way to go, but i know that i've matured a bit since last year. which leads me to wonder what i can do on my own, without teaching drum. frankly though, that wondering seems to just be so i can choose not to do teaching drum cuz i'm too scared.
all signs point to teaching drum. but it's hard to make a choice. i tend to feel bound by choices. and get mad at myself when i make the 'wrong' one. confronting pain is not really my forte. it's hard as hell for me right now. i basically know what i need to do. but i first have to get over being scared- at least temporarily.