Adventures in Badness, or: End of New Moon
All right. That is the end. Why do I feel this urge to squirm, brush off my arms, and cry "aah, get it off meee!"
So, when the last chapter ended, Bella and Edward were back together, back home, and after yet another argument about whether she'll become a vampire, Bella decided to take the matter to the rest of the Cullens as well. She does, and all of them except Rosalie and Edward vote yes.
A Note about Rosalie: She is supposed to be the bitchy character, I think, she's the only person aside from Bella's female school friends who has any dislike for her. Apparently, she was supposed to be Edward's girlfriend, so sayeth Carlisle, but it didn't work out, and she got together with Emmett. Nonetheless, she is still bitter or jealous about Bella's love with Edward, and therefore doesn't like her - it was Rosalie who told Edward Bella died, based on Alice's vision, but Bella forgives her, because Bella is just such a nice and sweet person. Afterwards, Rosalie goes around shamed, because how COULD she dislike Bella! What a bitch! This is one of the more prominent marks of Bella's Sueness, IMO.
Anyway, it's agreed that Bella will become a vampire, and Carlisle will do it since Edward's so vehemently opposed to the idea, but that they'll wait until after she graduates high school. Then Edward says he'll do it himself, if Bella will just marry him. She doesn't like this idea! It is patently ridiculous, since the entire book series has been about how he is her One True Love and she'll Just Die Without Him, and there he is begging her to marry him, but we need some semblance of conflict for the next book, so no. Bleeeech. Bella also mentions to him that she'd been hallucinating his voice, and that's it. We get no explanation for what was going on there, so I guess... she actually was hallucinating? Which seems really strange to me. There is a vague reference to "our love is so strong z0mg" so I'm wondering if the POWAH of their LUV is supposed to have transported his voice into her head? In any case, it's not explained well at all.
Oh, and! Edward and Emmett bump fists during the vote scene. I pity the poor actor playing Edward in these movies...
Victoria, the Vampire, is briefly mentioned as being still around. This is super lame, because that means they will have used the same idiotic plot for three whole books to put Bella's life in danger so that everyone has to come save her. Bleeeeech.
Then in the Epilogue, we get back to Jacob. I'm sort of appalled how, the majority of the book is spent on all this plot/character development with Jacob and Bella - bad development, but it's there, okay - and then at the end all that is thrown out the window, completely forgotten, doesn't matter anymore, because Edward is back! It's just so sloppy. In any case, Jacob has come to talk to Edward about the treaty between the Quileutes and the Cullens, and while he's there, of course he gets to give Bella lots of hurt, betrayed looks. We have this little gem:
"The fairy tale was back on. Prince returned, bad spell broken. I wasn't sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?"
I crack up at this, because, okay, we already know Bella is a total author stand-in/reader stand-in, but that is meta, even! Way to break the fourth wall, Stephanie Meyer!
Oog. Anyway, in this converstion, Jacob and Edward glare at each other a lot, Jacob tells Edward that the peace is off if any of them bite a human - not even kill, just bite - and Bella says "That's none of your business!", letting it slip that she's already decided to become a vampire. Jacob feels rightly betrayed, and tells Bella so. Bella is insulted and "how COULD he???" As in, how COULD he not behave the way I want him to? How COULD he not let me have my cake and eat it too? This is the most disgusting thing she's done in the series so far.
But she has her Edward, so on that level, EVERYTHING IS OKAY. Sigh... I am wondering how the author will manage to let Bella have the aforementioned cake and eat it too, since that's kind of the series' raison d'etre, because she has somewhat successfully set up a two-sided conflict, a win-lose situation. I suppose I will find out in the next book, though.
Really, I must state again that I feel so bad for the guy playing Edward in the movie. It is the same guy who played Cedric Diggory, actually. I have seen two youtube videos of him, and they are both epic lulz. One is an interview where he clearly thinks the book and his character are idiotic, but is trying so very hard not to say so directly. The other is a fan-captured video after he has just been mobbed by a horde of screaming fangirls at some convention - you can tell this because his hair is horribly mussed - and he says something like, "It's like... the sound you'd expect to hear... at the gates of Hell or something." Referring to the fangirl screams of course. Oh, the poor, poor bastard.
Actually, I'm finding that I feel similarly about Edward himself. Poor guy, you know? I mean, clearly he is a fantasy object only, but it must suck to be a 108-year-old vampire who is inexplicably, deeply in love with an immature brat who he can't even have sex with or bite or anything. Not only that, but to also have to contend with a teen-wolf for her affections. Jacob I also feel bad for, for different reasons. As I've said, I prefer his relationship with Bella to Bella/Edward, because while Edward is kind of cooler (a pussy, but cooler), the Jacob/Bella makes sense if you squint, whereas Edward/Bella just does not at all. Bella treats him kind of horribly, and he's a good kid who just cares about her.
The more I read of this series, the more I am convinced that Stephanie Meyer is either an idiot savant or an evil genius, because while these books are ablsolute drivel, they are precision-engineered to be irresistible to a certain adolescent female psychology. No, scratch that: Meyer is an idiot savant, her editor is an evil genius. I can see this woman now, sitting at her desk with the manuscript for Twilight in hand, baffled look of terror on her face - and then something clicks in her brain. "I'm going to be filthy stinking rich," she thinks. "This is such utter crap, but it is exactly the right kind of crap to make me fistfuls of money!!" I can see the manuscript, forgotten on the desk, as she dances about her office, cackling gleefully at the brilliance of her evil, the sinister perfection of the whole thing. I can see her in meetings with Meyer, trying not to laugh, trying to keep her grin from being too wolfish as she gives helpful advice like "Well, why don't you give Bella another love interest to create some tension?"
Sigh. It may be a bit before I can bring myself to start Eclipse, but I do want to get to Breaking Dawn. It has BAYBEEZ!
So, when the last chapter ended, Bella and Edward were back together, back home, and after yet another argument about whether she'll become a vampire, Bella decided to take the matter to the rest of the Cullens as well. She does, and all of them except Rosalie and Edward vote yes.
A Note about Rosalie: She is supposed to be the bitchy character, I think, she's the only person aside from Bella's female school friends who has any dislike for her. Apparently, she was supposed to be Edward's girlfriend, so sayeth Carlisle, but it didn't work out, and she got together with Emmett. Nonetheless, she is still bitter or jealous about Bella's love with Edward, and therefore doesn't like her - it was Rosalie who told Edward Bella died, based on Alice's vision, but Bella forgives her, because Bella is just such a nice and sweet person. Afterwards, Rosalie goes around shamed, because how COULD she dislike Bella! What a bitch! This is one of the more prominent marks of Bella's Sueness, IMO.
Anyway, it's agreed that Bella will become a vampire, and Carlisle will do it since Edward's so vehemently opposed to the idea, but that they'll wait until after she graduates high school. Then Edward says he'll do it himself, if Bella will just marry him. She doesn't like this idea! It is patently ridiculous, since the entire book series has been about how he is her One True Love and she'll Just Die Without Him, and there he is begging her to marry him, but we need some semblance of conflict for the next book, so no. Bleeeech. Bella also mentions to him that she'd been hallucinating his voice, and that's it. We get no explanation for what was going on there, so I guess... she actually was hallucinating? Which seems really strange to me. There is a vague reference to "our love is so strong z0mg" so I'm wondering if the POWAH of their LUV is supposed to have transported his voice into her head? In any case, it's not explained well at all.
Oh, and! Edward and Emmett bump fists during the vote scene. I pity the poor actor playing Edward in these movies...
Victoria, the Vampire, is briefly mentioned as being still around. This is super lame, because that means they will have used the same idiotic plot for three whole books to put Bella's life in danger so that everyone has to come save her. Bleeeeech.
Then in the Epilogue, we get back to Jacob. I'm sort of appalled how, the majority of the book is spent on all this plot/character development with Jacob and Bella - bad development, but it's there, okay - and then at the end all that is thrown out the window, completely forgotten, doesn't matter anymore, because Edward is back! It's just so sloppy. In any case, Jacob has come to talk to Edward about the treaty between the Quileutes and the Cullens, and while he's there, of course he gets to give Bella lots of hurt, betrayed looks. We have this little gem:
"The fairy tale was back on. Prince returned, bad spell broken. I wasn't sure exactly what to do about the leftover, unresolved character. Where was his happily ever after?"
I crack up at this, because, okay, we already know Bella is a total author stand-in/reader stand-in, but that is meta, even! Way to break the fourth wall, Stephanie Meyer!
Oog. Anyway, in this converstion, Jacob and Edward glare at each other a lot, Jacob tells Edward that the peace is off if any of them bite a human - not even kill, just bite - and Bella says "That's none of your business!", letting it slip that she's already decided to become a vampire. Jacob feels rightly betrayed, and tells Bella so. Bella is insulted and "how COULD he???" As in, how COULD he not behave the way I want him to? How COULD he not let me have my cake and eat it too? This is the most disgusting thing she's done in the series so far.
But she has her Edward, so on that level, EVERYTHING IS OKAY. Sigh... I am wondering how the author will manage to let Bella have the aforementioned cake and eat it too, since that's kind of the series' raison d'etre, because she has somewhat successfully set up a two-sided conflict, a win-lose situation. I suppose I will find out in the next book, though.
Really, I must state again that I feel so bad for the guy playing Edward in the movie. It is the same guy who played Cedric Diggory, actually. I have seen two youtube videos of him, and they are both epic lulz. One is an interview where he clearly thinks the book and his character are idiotic, but is trying so very hard not to say so directly. The other is a fan-captured video after he has just been mobbed by a horde of screaming fangirls at some convention - you can tell this because his hair is horribly mussed - and he says something like, "It's like... the sound you'd expect to hear... at the gates of Hell or something." Referring to the fangirl screams of course. Oh, the poor, poor bastard.
Actually, I'm finding that I feel similarly about Edward himself. Poor guy, you know? I mean, clearly he is a fantasy object only, but it must suck to be a 108-year-old vampire who is inexplicably, deeply in love with an immature brat who he can't even have sex with or bite or anything. Not only that, but to also have to contend with a teen-wolf for her affections. Jacob I also feel bad for, for different reasons. As I've said, I prefer his relationship with Bella to Bella/Edward, because while Edward is kind of cooler (a pussy, but cooler), the Jacob/Bella makes sense if you squint, whereas Edward/Bella just does not at all. Bella treats him kind of horribly, and he's a good kid who just cares about her.
The more I read of this series, the more I am convinced that Stephanie Meyer is either an idiot savant or an evil genius, because while these books are ablsolute drivel, they are precision-engineered to be irresistible to a certain adolescent female psychology. No, scratch that: Meyer is an idiot savant, her editor is an evil genius. I can see this woman now, sitting at her desk with the manuscript for Twilight in hand, baffled look of terror on her face - and then something clicks in her brain. "I'm going to be filthy stinking rich," she thinks. "This is such utter crap, but it is exactly the right kind of crap to make me fistfuls of money!!" I can see the manuscript, forgotten on the desk, as she dances about her office, cackling gleefully at the brilliance of her evil, the sinister perfection of the whole thing. I can see her in meetings with Meyer, trying not to laugh, trying to keep her grin from being too wolfish as she gives helpful advice like "Well, why don't you give Bella another love interest to create some tension?"
Sigh. It may be a bit before I can bring myself to start Eclipse, but I do want to get to Breaking Dawn. It has BAYBEEZ!