家
ppl say home's where the heart is. that's so cliche...
is blake home? yeah, i guess, it's where my group of good friends are, it's where i sleep every weekday night. but it's only temporary, we'll all be leaving this place in less than two years. (oh what a sad moment that'll be!)
is catalina home? it's got a more homey feel to it, because mother is there, and she tries hard decorating it to make it feel like her home too... but it's too not permanent, it's just a place we'll stay at until i graduate. (her heart is still very much in china...but that's probably because she hasn't been back for 6 years, and her good memories of china are still intact.)
what about Kunming then? i have a permanent place to stay there, i have my family members there, and my friends and cousins whom i grew up with... but to call a place that i only go back to every six years my home, that's stretching the truth a bit, non? 那样太勉强了, 有点自欺欺人的味道... plus, it's now a very different place from what i remembered.
dad had sold where we used to live, so i slept in a new room when i went back to china this summer. i don't like how everything's changed so much i could barely find traces of the past. i didn't recognize the streets anymore, i had to read a map first before i went to places. i visited my middle school, and the moment that i saw the empty areas where we used to play pingpong and parked our bikes had been replaced by pink and ugly library and gym buildings, i felt a part of my childhood just left me without warning. what i finally saw after 6 years of longing didn't match with the images i had long imprinted in my mind. i should never go visit old places anymore, i'd only be disappointed. i'd rather keep my memory whole without any disruption from present reality. good thing dad kept my old furnitures and everything else from my old room, so i still had some things to connect with and feel sorta at home.
but it was good how i totally did not feel weird in china, i fit right in. it was like the very chinese part of me that was deeply buried under all my more or less americanized way of doing things just came out and took control again. i guess that's something that'll always be in me. spending time in the US can only cover it up, bury it away, but never erase it.
i've been moving around too much for the past 7 and a half years. kinda like d i suppose, hehe, maybe that's part of why i liked him so much.
i guess i don't have a place to call home home because i don't really know where my heart is. i want it to be china, but i don't see that happening in the next few years.
haha, iza's talking to me online about how she's tired of moving around and wants to have a place that makes her feel like at home. what a coincidence. oh i wanna go to paris for a month too! ok enough digression, i shall stop right here and go meet chen darling at milano! :D
"家。
听起来好温馨。
对我来说，它却是个矛盾。
每天傍晚该回家的时候，总是迫不及待的。
但一踏进屋里把门关上后，却发现又是独自一人，站在让人耳聋的寂静里，令人盲目的黑暗中。
我就会愣在那儿好久好久…然后又突然苏醒过来，摸索着把灯扭开。
我会问自己，我倒底回来干吗？
心里却非常清楚这是个无理头问题。
因为，我还能上哪儿去呢?
这，就是家的意义。
"
---亲爱的新加坡人文学家
is blake home? yeah, i guess, it's where my group of good friends are, it's where i sleep every weekday night. but it's only temporary, we'll all be leaving this place in less than two years. (oh what a sad moment that'll be!)
is catalina home? it's got a more homey feel to it, because mother is there, and she tries hard decorating it to make it feel like her home too... but it's too not permanent, it's just a place we'll stay at until i graduate. (her heart is still very much in china...but that's probably because she hasn't been back for 6 years, and her good memories of china are still intact.)
what about Kunming then? i have a permanent place to stay there, i have my family members there, and my friends and cousins whom i grew up with... but to call a place that i only go back to every six years my home, that's stretching the truth a bit, non? 那样太勉强了, 有点自欺欺人的味道... plus, it's now a very different place from what i remembered.
dad had sold where we used to live, so i slept in a new room when i went back to china this summer. i don't like how everything's changed so much i could barely find traces of the past. i didn't recognize the streets anymore, i had to read a map first before i went to places. i visited my middle school, and the moment that i saw the empty areas where we used to play pingpong and parked our bikes had been replaced by pink and ugly library and gym buildings, i felt a part of my childhood just left me without warning. what i finally saw after 6 years of longing didn't match with the images i had long imprinted in my mind. i should never go visit old places anymore, i'd only be disappointed. i'd rather keep my memory whole without any disruption from present reality. good thing dad kept my old furnitures and everything else from my old room, so i still had some things to connect with and feel sorta at home.
but it was good how i totally did not feel weird in china, i fit right in. it was like the very chinese part of me that was deeply buried under all my more or less americanized way of doing things just came out and took control again. i guess that's something that'll always be in me. spending time in the US can only cover it up, bury it away, but never erase it.
i've been moving around too much for the past 7 and a half years. kinda like d i suppose, hehe, maybe that's part of why i liked him so much.
i guess i don't have a place to call home home because i don't really know where my heart is. i want it to be china, but i don't see that happening in the next few years.
haha, iza's talking to me online about how she's tired of moving around and wants to have a place that makes her feel like at home. what a coincidence. oh i wanna go to paris for a month too! ok enough digression, i shall stop right here and go meet chen darling at milano! :D
"家。
听起来好温馨。
对我来说，它却是个矛盾。
每天傍晚该回家的时候，总是迫不及待的。
但一踏进屋里把门关上后，却发现又是独自一人，站在让人耳聋的寂静里，令人盲目的黑暗中。
我就会愣在那儿好久好久…然后又突然苏醒过来，摸索着把灯扭开。
我会问自己，我倒底回来干吗？
心里却非常清楚这是个无理头问题。
因为，我还能上哪儿去呢?
这，就是家的意义。
"
---亲爱的新加坡人文学家