The irony of self-love
I don't know who is still on here-I haven't checked that yet. The interface is SO drastically different than when I last looked on lj. Anyway, I'm kind of needing this safe place to share my feelings, specifically fears, right now...whomever is listening, thank you.
So over the last couple months, I've finally been truly loving my body. I gained a little weight, which means I put on some extra curves (still working on getting the abs back though). Anyway, I have truly loving the size and shape of "my girls" lately. I proudly look at them in the mirror. I take photos of them to send to my boyfriend during his long days at work. I wear bras and clothes specifically to display my cleavage. Ah, such is vanity.
This is why it's supremely ironic that my latest ultrasound-apparently last year, I became old enough for baseline mammograms!-showed that a breast nodule from a year ago, had grown by 50 percent. This isn't my first rodeo with a lump, but it is the most concerning. Two other cysts show up clearly on ultrasound on the other breast. This main mass I was supposed to follow up on six months ago, but I sat on it until my annual exam a few weeks, where my OB/GYN insisted I get the follow up.
The lab tech spent a lot of time measuring and comparing during my ultrasound. She saw the cysts. I asked her if the lump was still there in my left breast. She said yes, it was. She didn't tell me whether it was bigger or smaller or the same. After she went to consult with the radiologist, I took a glance at my films and noticed the mass. I tried to make a comparison between the one a year ago and the one now, but I was uncertain about my armchair analysis. However, the way the tech said, "You'll get a call back from your doctor tomorrow," when she returned was rather ominous.
The nurse called me the next day and told me the mass had grown significantly to be quite sizable. The other two areas on my right breast were clearly cysts. "This is likely a cyst, but we'll want to do a biopsy just to be sure," she said. She was kind and informative, without terrifying me. I was referred to a collaborative of breast surgeons. The nurse assured me they would get me in as soon as possible. "Please call back if you have any questions or concerns," she said. "I know how much this would worry me."
An appointment was made with a doctor I don't know-I was hoping I'd be able to see the same doctor I'd seen more than a decade, but oh well. A couple days later, I went to my primary care doctor--rather nurse practitioner--about this bone bruise I have, and she immediately asked about the mammogram. "How do you know???" I asked her.
Apparently the doctor they had assigned for me had a few patient complaints against him. The APRN found out my insurance wouldn't let me see my original surgeon, which is why I'd been stuck with this guy. She took charge and wound up calling a great group of surgeons specifically specializing on the breasts, making an appointment even sooner than the other would have been.
She repeated, "It's a rather significant mass," to the woman on the phone. Yet, when I left, she said, "It's just a cyst. Keep telling yourself that."
I see the surgeon for a consult on Tuesday. I was told within 48 hours of that visit, the biopsy would be scheduled. My inquisitive health advocate mind had me worrying for a few days after some internet research. But then we went away on what we liken to a spiritual retreat in upstate NY this past weekend. I was left with an inner peace. Whatever happens, I'm going to be okay, has become my mantra.
I pray this is true. I love my breasts today. I don't want to lose that beautiful self image for which I've fought many years to have.
So over the last couple months, I've finally been truly loving my body. I gained a little weight, which means I put on some extra curves (still working on getting the abs back though). Anyway, I have truly loving the size and shape of "my girls" lately. I proudly look at them in the mirror. I take photos of them to send to my boyfriend during his long days at work. I wear bras and clothes specifically to display my cleavage. Ah, such is vanity.
This is why it's supremely ironic that my latest ultrasound-apparently last year, I became old enough for baseline mammograms!-showed that a breast nodule from a year ago, had grown by 50 percent. This isn't my first rodeo with a lump, but it is the most concerning. Two other cysts show up clearly on ultrasound on the other breast. This main mass I was supposed to follow up on six months ago, but I sat on it until my annual exam a few weeks, where my OB/GYN insisted I get the follow up.
The lab tech spent a lot of time measuring and comparing during my ultrasound. She saw the cysts. I asked her if the lump was still there in my left breast. She said yes, it was. She didn't tell me whether it was bigger or smaller or the same. After she went to consult with the radiologist, I took a glance at my films and noticed the mass. I tried to make a comparison between the one a year ago and the one now, but I was uncertain about my armchair analysis. However, the way the tech said, "You'll get a call back from your doctor tomorrow," when she returned was rather ominous.
The nurse called me the next day and told me the mass had grown significantly to be quite sizable. The other two areas on my right breast were clearly cysts. "This is likely a cyst, but we'll want to do a biopsy just to be sure," she said. She was kind and informative, without terrifying me. I was referred to a collaborative of breast surgeons. The nurse assured me they would get me in as soon as possible. "Please call back if you have any questions or concerns," she said. "I know how much this would worry me."
An appointment was made with a doctor I don't know-I was hoping I'd be able to see the same doctor I'd seen more than a decade, but oh well. A couple days later, I went to my primary care doctor--rather nurse practitioner--about this bone bruise I have, and she immediately asked about the mammogram. "How do you know???" I asked her.
Apparently the doctor they had assigned for me had a few patient complaints against him. The APRN found out my insurance wouldn't let me see my original surgeon, which is why I'd been stuck with this guy. She took charge and wound up calling a great group of surgeons specifically specializing on the breasts, making an appointment even sooner than the other would have been.
She repeated, "It's a rather significant mass," to the woman on the phone. Yet, when I left, she said, "It's just a cyst. Keep telling yourself that."
I see the surgeon for a consult on Tuesday. I was told within 48 hours of that visit, the biopsy would be scheduled. My inquisitive health advocate mind had me worrying for a few days after some internet research. But then we went away on what we liken to a spiritual retreat in upstate NY this past weekend. I was left with an inner peace. Whatever happens, I'm going to be okay, has become my mantra.
I pray this is true. I love my breasts today. I don't want to lose that beautiful self image for which I've fought many years to have.