Blessed are the meek, for it is easier to invade nations that resist not.
So.
Conservatives are editing/re-writing (err, sorry - ~*TRANSLATING*~) the Bible, because apparently Jesus was such a bleeding-heart liberal wuss that they need to Fix his Teachings. Meanwhile, the internets (i.e. Twitter) explode with mockery.
Excerpts courtesy of Twitter...
Hashtag: #conservativebible
1. And then Jesus said unto the lepers: "Find a charity."
2. Thou shalt covet thy campaign manager's wife.
3. Trust in the Lord with all your heart but be sure and wiretap your neighbors.
4. It's totally kosher to profess faith without deeds, deeds are hard work.
5. "Noah commanded the dinosaurs to leave the arc, for they were kind of swarthy."
6. Oh God, should I be my brother's keeper? Yes, uh, unless he is black, brown, gay, poor, female or sick
7. Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and thou shalt jail all who smoketh it.
8. A man's life consisteth in the abundance of the things which he possesseth. [Luke 12:15].
9. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife. Go to Argentina instead to pick up hotties.
10. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life to kill brown ppl.
11. Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth, that thou may later deny knowledge.
12. For God so loved the World that he gave us Ronald Reagan
13. And Jesus said to the cancer-stricken, "Government is not the answer. Fuck off, whiner."
14. In the new #ConservativeBible, Jesus suggests lepers hold a bake sale.
15. Illustration of Jesus healing the sick from the #conservativebible http://twitpic.com/gc89l
16. The Meek shall inherit the earth; But not with Health Insurance.
17. "On the third day he rose again, and decided he ought call his doctor."
18. In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity consider. foreclosing on the poor
19. Jesus wept. But not nearly as much as Glenn Beck does.
20. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone -- unless you're Karl Rove in which case hypocrisy is OK.
21. Adam Smith begat F Hayek who begat Milton Friedman....
22. And Jesus said unto Lazarus, "Emergency Room care is always available!"
23. Jesus...congratulated all them that sold and bought in the temple, and shook the hands of the moneychangers.
24. He that violently conquers others for lands and riches, and rapes and pillages their own nation shall b clsr 2 Lord.
25. "And Satan appeared to Eve in the shape of the ACORN"
26. Blessed be the "Libtards", for they shall inherit the earth.
27. Thou shalt have no other God before me except for Reagan.
28. Honor thy father and mother, particularly after they dropeth 100 large to buy the silence of your mistress.
29. For God so loved the world he gave us Dick Cheney to torture our enemies.
30. "...and on the 8th day, God created the Dinosaur. Just to mess with Evolution Theory."
31. And on the seventh day, God wiped his brow and said, "whew, that was haaaard werrrk."
32. I will give you shepherds after my own heart who will feed you with misinformation and fear.
33. Jesus realized power had left him & turned & said,"What freeloadingfucker w/o insurance touched my robe?"
34. And God said, "beware of he who helps his neighbor, for he is surely a commie and an agent of evil".
35. Let him who can temporarily hide his sins cast the first stone, and the second, and keep 'em coming.
36. If the meek ever inherit the earth, the strong shall take it away from them
37. Blessed are the torturers, for they shall obtain unreliable, yet essential information.
38. Render upon Ceaser a Hitler mustache, for hath socialism in his heart
39. In the new #conservativeBible the animals went 2 by 2. They were then shot from a helicopter & stuffed/ mounted.
40. "Blessed are the warbloggers, for they shall eat cheetos."
41. Thou shalt not murder, except the mud people when they live above your oil or other things that are yours.
42. And Adam called his wife's name Eve... and then called his lawyer to ensure the prenup was ironclad this time..
43. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth and the whites-only country clubs.
44. In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth, the USA, and an unfettered free market economy.
45. Hnor thy father and mother, but don't go so far as Medicare and Social Security.
46. Thou shalt get sick and be dropped.
47. And God saw every thing that He had made, and, behold, it was very good for those who got all the Bush tax cuts.
48. "And the LORD said, go forth into the desert. Then spend 2 trillion dollars looking for non-existent WMDs."
49. "Everything is possible for him with the right connections."
50. And The Lord ™ said to Adam, "Why did you eat that apple?" And Adam said, "Glenn Beck told me to."
51. And Jesus told the depressed one, Get thee ass to an emergency room
52. When I was naked, you clothed me...with fine apparel from Neiman Marcus. Sweet!
53. Behold the skys opened and down came teabags from heaven
54. Thou shalt not steal except when it is for record profits, a bonus or stock options.
55. And Jesus told the multitudes get your grimy hands off my loaves and fishes.
56. Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood, unless poor people live there or black people or Democrats
57. "In the beginning God created Republicans... And Jesus wept."
58. Thou shalt not kill. Unless their abortion doctors, minorities, Muslims, Communists or not American. Then go nuts
59. "Let he who is without sin be considered not properly vetted".
60. jesus said to him, "love no one but your self, for your property is your heavenly reward."
61. Jesus wept, saying "I got nailed to the cross for these assholes?"
62. And on the 6th day, the earth was redistricted as his disciple Delay sent forth, and electoral prosperity for GOP ensued
63. The Meek shall inherit nothing but bootstraps
64. "Be fruitful and privatize"
65. Global warming? It's just God hugging you a little tighter!
66. The fruits of the spirit: intolerance, anger, war town, tantrums, Hitler accusations, banging staffers, infidelity
67. Leviticus is out. Deregulation is best for free markets.
68. Thou shalt not bear false witness -unless it's in a GOP campaign ad.
69. "Verily one of you shall betray me before I even leave office, eh McClellan?"
70. I am the Lord thy god; thou shalt fill my mouth with all the vile, intolerant words thou canst conceive.
71. Ye shalt embrace the double meaning of Right Maketh Might.
72. And Joseph led Mary to the country of her birth, Kenya
73. Now I lay me down to sleep, I give Glenn Beck my soul to keep.
74. God loves everyone - except you.
75. Jesus said, "Consider the lillies.wait.screw the lillies.that field is full of oil! Drill, Baby, Drill!!!"
76. And Jesus said consider the lillies of the fields how they toil not - they must be Liberals.
77. And whosoever would take your coat, you can totally use your gun in that situation that's why there's a 2nd ammendment
78. And they came bearing gifts of purity rings, automatic rifles and teabags.
79. So God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, took one of his ribs, and from that rib, formed a Corporation.
80. "in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth and said "evolution is blasphemy""
81. and God said fuck tending the garden, get the OIL!
82. "Do not be troubled-For the homeless and sick are easily ignored if you live out in the suburbs..."
83. Blessed are the children for they (meaning Mine) shall inherit the earth.
84. "Rupert Murdoch is the LORD your God, who brought you out of MSM, out of the land of truthiness."
85. Be on guard against all kinds of taxes; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of the State. Yet greed is good.
86. The Lord sd, "Come 2 me all of U who R weary & burdened... will tell U that U shld have worked a little harder..."
87. "Do as I say, not as I do."
88. I spake as a child, understood as a child, thought as a child, did a superb job. Mission Accomplished.
89. And Jesus said: "I grant thee my Cigna Card to use for one prescription drug of your choice, after which ur on ur own"
90. And god said LET THERE BE LIGHT! And charge them up the ass for it!
91. And on the 3rd day God quit his job to write his memoirs. :)
92. Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you--except the Muslims, whom ye shall destroy.
93. "& the serpent told Eve to go rogue & eat from the Tree of Political Expediency."
94. Ye shall know them by their fruits & by the JesusFish and NObama stickers
95. And thou shalt fight Keith Olbermann, for the Devil cannot bear scorn.
96. If your eye offends you, pluck out your neighbor's. He's got the REALLY dirty mind.
97. And Jesus said, "All your hanging chads are belong to us."
98. Criminal on Cross: "Jesus will you remember me?" Jesus: "Depends! Have you accepted me as your personal Lord & Savior?"
99. And when Jesus came upon a group of lepers, he asked to see insurance cards up front
100. If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor. Unless the parasites are on welfare.
101. the meek shall inherit the earth...but only whatever we don't take first
102. and Wingnut Jesus spoke, saying "this peace and love shit is for sissy liberals. Take out this whole chapter."
103. And the LORD formed man of the dust of the ground...or maybe it was dinosaur poop.. w h a t e v e r!
104. and after they had supped jesus broke bread & said, "this is my body." judas had enough and said "you lie!"
105. Thou shalt not kill...one at a time. With exceptions. for anyone you find threatening.
106. Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Except evolution and astrophysics.
107. And Jesus said, "I came unarmed, THIS TIME."
108. Thou shalt make disciples for the rich,right, racist, regional cult
109. & Jesus invited the moneychangers into the Temple, and for a fifty drachma offering gave them a specially blessed sandal.
110. The love of money is the root of all Profit, and Profit is God. [WSJ 1:1]
My Contributions:
Our inheritance has been turned over to aliens, our homes to foreigners. I ask thee, Lord, what next? Shall they have our medical care?
Lamentations 5:2
13 : But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make stuff up, and blog in your mothers' basements in thy underwear with thy cursed Cheetos!
14 : Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye legislate from the bench when ye pass rulings that agree not with me!
Matthew 23
And as he sat upon the mount of Olives, the disciples came unto him privately, saying, Tell us, from whence came thy birth certificate?
Matthew 24:3
They are also seven kings. Five have fallen, one is, the other has not yet come; but when he does come, he must remain for a little while. Cursed be thy 4-year terms!
Rev 17:11
Salvation and glory and power belong to our Glenn Beck, for true and NOT CRAZY AT ALL are his judgments.
Rev. 19:1-2
Conservatives are editing/re-writing (err, sorry - ~*TRANSLATING*~) the Bible, because apparently Jesus was such a bleeding-heart liberal wuss that they need to Fix his Teachings. Meanwhile, the internets (i.e. Twitter) explode with mockery.
Excerpts courtesy of Twitter...
Hashtag: #conservativebible
1. And then Jesus said unto the lepers: "Find a charity."
2. Thou shalt covet thy campaign manager's wife.
3. Trust in the Lord with all your heart but be sure and wiretap your neighbors.
4. It's totally kosher to profess faith without deeds, deeds are hard work.
5. "Noah commanded the dinosaurs to leave the arc, for they were kind of swarthy."
6. Oh God, should I be my brother's keeper? Yes, uh, unless he is black, brown, gay, poor, female or sick
7. Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and thou shalt jail all who smoketh it.
8. A man's life consisteth in the abundance of the things which he possesseth. [Luke 12:15].
9. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife. Go to Argentina instead to pick up hotties.
10. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life to kill brown ppl.
11. Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth, that thou may later deny knowledge.
12. For God so loved the World that he gave us Ronald Reagan
13. And Jesus said to the cancer-stricken, "Government is not the answer. Fuck off, whiner."
14. In the new #ConservativeBible, Jesus suggests lepers hold a bake sale.
15. Illustration of Jesus healing the sick from the #conservativebible http://twitpic.com/gc89l
16. The Meek shall inherit the earth; But not with Health Insurance.
17. "On the third day he rose again, and decided he ought call his doctor."
18. In the day of prosperity be joyful, but in the day of adversity consider. foreclosing on the poor
19. Jesus wept. But not nearly as much as Glenn Beck does.
20. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone -- unless you're Karl Rove in which case hypocrisy is OK.
21. Adam Smith begat F Hayek who begat Milton Friedman....
22. And Jesus said unto Lazarus, "Emergency Room care is always available!"
23. Jesus...congratulated all them that sold and bought in the temple, and shook the hands of the moneychangers.
24. He that violently conquers others for lands and riches, and rapes and pillages their own nation shall b clsr 2 Lord.
25. "And Satan appeared to Eve in the shape of the ACORN"
26. Blessed be the "Libtards", for they shall inherit the earth.
27. Thou shalt have no other God before me except for Reagan.
28. Honor thy father and mother, particularly after they dropeth 100 large to buy the silence of your mistress.
29. For God so loved the world he gave us Dick Cheney to torture our enemies.
30. "...and on the 8th day, God created the Dinosaur. Just to mess with Evolution Theory."
31. And on the seventh day, God wiped his brow and said, "whew, that was haaaard werrrk."
32. I will give you shepherds after my own heart who will feed you with misinformation and fear.
33. Jesus realized power had left him & turned & said,"What freeloadingfucker w/o insurance touched my robe?"
34. And God said, "beware of he who helps his neighbor, for he is surely a commie and an agent of evil".
35. Let him who can temporarily hide his sins cast the first stone, and the second, and keep 'em coming.
36. If the meek ever inherit the earth, the strong shall take it away from them
37. Blessed are the torturers, for they shall obtain unreliable, yet essential information.
38. Render upon Ceaser a Hitler mustache, for hath socialism in his heart
39. In the new #conservativeBible the animals went 2 by 2. They were then shot from a helicopter & stuffed/ mounted.
40. "Blessed are the warbloggers, for they shall eat cheetos."
41. Thou shalt not murder, except the mud people when they live above your oil or other things that are yours.
42. And Adam called his wife's name Eve... and then called his lawyer to ensure the prenup was ironclad this time..
43. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth and the whites-only country clubs.
44. In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth, the USA, and an unfettered free market economy.
45. Hnor thy father and mother, but don't go so far as Medicare and Social Security.
46. Thou shalt get sick and be dropped.
47. And God saw every thing that He had made, and, behold, it was very good for those who got all the Bush tax cuts.
48. "And the LORD said, go forth into the desert. Then spend 2 trillion dollars looking for non-existent WMDs."
49. "Everything is possible for him with the right connections."
50. And The Lord ™ said to Adam, "Why did you eat that apple?" And Adam said, "Glenn Beck told me to."
51. And Jesus told the depressed one, Get thee ass to an emergency room
52. When I was naked, you clothed me...with fine apparel from Neiman Marcus. Sweet!
53. Behold the skys opened and down came teabags from heaven
54. Thou shalt not steal except when it is for record profits, a bonus or stock options.
55. And Jesus told the multitudes get your grimy hands off my loaves and fishes.
56. Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood, unless poor people live there or black people or Democrats
57. "In the beginning God created Republicans... And Jesus wept."
58. Thou shalt not kill. Unless their abortion doctors, minorities, Muslims, Communists or not American. Then go nuts
59. "Let he who is without sin be considered not properly vetted".
60. jesus said to him, "love no one but your self, for your property is your heavenly reward."
61. Jesus wept, saying "I got nailed to the cross for these assholes?"
62. And on the 6th day, the earth was redistricted as his disciple Delay sent forth, and electoral prosperity for GOP ensued
63. The Meek shall inherit nothing but bootstraps
64. "Be fruitful and privatize"
65. Global warming? It's just God hugging you a little tighter!
66. The fruits of the spirit: intolerance, anger, war town, tantrums, Hitler accusations, banging staffers, infidelity
67. Leviticus is out. Deregulation is best for free markets.
68. Thou shalt not bear false witness -unless it's in a GOP campaign ad.
69. "Verily one of you shall betray me before I even leave office, eh McClellan?"
70. I am the Lord thy god; thou shalt fill my mouth with all the vile, intolerant words thou canst conceive.
71. Ye shalt embrace the double meaning of Right Maketh Might.
72. And Joseph led Mary to the country of her birth, Kenya
73. Now I lay me down to sleep, I give Glenn Beck my soul to keep.
74. God loves everyone - except you.
75. Jesus said, "Consider the lillies.wait.screw the lillies.that field is full of oil! Drill, Baby, Drill!!!"
76. And Jesus said consider the lillies of the fields how they toil not - they must be Liberals.
77. And whosoever would take your coat, you can totally use your gun in that situation that's why there's a 2nd ammendment
78. And they came bearing gifts of purity rings, automatic rifles and teabags.
79. So God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, took one of his ribs, and from that rib, formed a Corporation.
80. "in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth and said "evolution is blasphemy""
81. and God said fuck tending the garden, get the OIL!
82. "Do not be troubled-For the homeless and sick are easily ignored if you live out in the suburbs..."
83. Blessed are the children for they (meaning Mine) shall inherit the earth.
84. "Rupert Murdoch is the LORD your God, who brought you out of MSM, out of the land of truthiness."
85. Be on guard against all kinds of taxes; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of the State. Yet greed is good.
86. The Lord sd, "Come 2 me all of U who R weary & burdened... will tell U that U shld have worked a little harder..."
87. "Do as I say, not as I do."
88. I spake as a child, understood as a child, thought as a child, did a superb job. Mission Accomplished.
89. And Jesus said: "I grant thee my Cigna Card to use for one prescription drug of your choice, after which ur on ur own"
90. And god said LET THERE BE LIGHT! And charge them up the ass for it!
91. And on the 3rd day God quit his job to write his memoirs. :)
92. Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you--except the Muslims, whom ye shall destroy.
93. "& the serpent told Eve to go rogue & eat from the Tree of Political Expediency."
94. Ye shall know them by their fruits & by the JesusFish and NObama stickers
95. And thou shalt fight Keith Olbermann, for the Devil cannot bear scorn.
96. If your eye offends you, pluck out your neighbor's. He's got the REALLY dirty mind.
97. And Jesus said, "All your hanging chads are belong to us."
98. Criminal on Cross: "Jesus will you remember me?" Jesus: "Depends! Have you accepted me as your personal Lord & Savior?"
99. And when Jesus came upon a group of lepers, he asked to see insurance cards up front
100. If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor. Unless the parasites are on welfare.
101. the meek shall inherit the earth...but only whatever we don't take first
102. and Wingnut Jesus spoke, saying "this peace and love shit is for sissy liberals. Take out this whole chapter."
103. And the LORD formed man of the dust of the ground...or maybe it was dinosaur poop.. w h a t e v e r!
104. and after they had supped jesus broke bread & said, "this is my body." judas had enough and said "you lie!"
105. Thou shalt not kill...one at a time. With exceptions. for anyone you find threatening.
106. Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Except evolution and astrophysics.
107. And Jesus said, "I came unarmed, THIS TIME."
108. Thou shalt make disciples for the rich,right, racist, regional cult
109. & Jesus invited the moneychangers into the Temple, and for a fifty drachma offering gave them a specially blessed sandal.
110. The love of money is the root of all Profit, and Profit is God. [WSJ 1:1]
My Contributions:
Our inheritance has been turned over to aliens, our homes to foreigners. I ask thee, Lord, what next? Shall they have our medical care?
Lamentations 5:2
13 : But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make stuff up, and blog in your mothers' basements in thy underwear with thy cursed Cheetos!
14 : Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye legislate from the bench when ye pass rulings that agree not with me!
Matthew 23
And as he sat upon the mount of Olives, the disciples came unto him privately, saying, Tell us, from whence came thy birth certificate?
Matthew 24:3
They are also seven kings. Five have fallen, one is, the other has not yet come; but when he does come, he must remain for a little while. Cursed be thy 4-year terms!
Rev 17:11
Salvation and glory and power belong to our Glenn Beck, for true and NOT CRAZY AT ALL are his judgments.
Rev. 19:1-2