Twisted Hearts
Title: Twisted Hearts
Rating: R
Genre: au!au
Disclaimer: Ennis and Jack belong to Annie Proulx. No disrespect intended.
Summary: Under cut
*This is a story told from Ennis's POV. He's an eighteen year old drug addict that winds up in a sober living facility. Jack is the residential counselor/adviser. As Jack helps Ennis with his sobriety, Ennis replaces his old addiction for a new one-Jack. Jack, a recovering addict himself, finds himself spiraling back into addiction, except this time his drug of choice is Ennis. Their love for one another becomes possessive, twisted, but pure and forgiving. Can they find a normal balance? What is "normal" anyway...
Links to previous chapters can be found here: lavender-snow.livejournal.com/
Chapter 15
*I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Tracy.*
Jack and I didn't say goodbye when I left the Amethyst House. Instead, we just hugged and looked the other way. I did my very best to keep my tears from falling...I saved them for when I was alone.
Dr. Lambertus drove me to Boston. I didn't say a single word the entire ride, and pretended to sleep most the way there.
*********
The place in Boston was called New Horizons. I hated it. The only thing that I liked about the new facility was that I had my own room. It was small. The walls were all white, broken up by calming, pale blue curtains on the windows. It wasn't bad, shit, anything was better than home.
The first two weeks there was nothing short of a nightmare. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I could barely function.
My new counselor was a woman by the name of Kim. She was a lean, fair-skinned woman with short, dark brown hair. She looked like she was in her late thirties and she was always smiling, so much so, that it made me question her own sobriety...
I tried my best to put on a "I'm just fine" front each time I went to group session, but I knew I wasn't fooling anyone, I was miserable. Just a few short weeks ago, I was sitting at the front of the class glowing, thriving, feeling like everything was going to be okay, but now, now, I was right where I first started- sitting all the way in the back of the room, my head down, my stomach twisting into a million knots, fighting the tears that wouldn't stop coming.
My only sanctuary during the day was the library. Again, no one hung out there, but me. It was a nice library, all shiny and new. It still smelled of fresh paint. Every once in a while, Kim would look for me and encourage me to join the others, just as Jack had once done, but the last thing I wanted to do was interact with anyone. Hell, I could barely form two sentences, let alone socialize with a large group of people.
I knew I was being watched closely by the counselors there. I assumed Dr. Lambertus never breathed a word to anyone about Jack and I, and our "little" incident, but I'm sure he told them that I was a special case...basket-case was more like it.
I attended therapy three days a week. Technically, Doc wanted me to go five days a week, like I had at the Amethyst House, but he knew damn well I wasn't going to open up to a new doctor, so rather than waste their time and mine, he cut my sessions back for when he was there.
As much as I hated the situation Jack and I were in, I didn't hate Doc. How could I? He didn't have to give me this opportunity to stay here and start fresh, and he certainly didn't have to keep Jack on board as one of his counselors. Jack and I really fucked up-big time. I realized that. I also realized that maybe, just maybe, I would one day thank Dr. Lambertus for all he'd done for me, and Jack, for that matter. I just prayed that day would come sooner than later.
I spent most therapy sessions looking out the window, chewing on my fingernails. The only time I did speak was to ask about Jack. I honestly wasn't trying to make Doc's life anymore difficult than I already had, but every time I tried to form a logical sentence, my throat closed up and nothing came out.
*************
The nights were the hardest for me. Like I said before, the only saving grace was that I had my own room. Thank God, because I spent most evenings rocking back and forth in the fetal position, talking, and crying myself to sleep. Either that, or I would just stare out the window for hours, wondering if Jack was looking up at the same stars, wondering if he missed me as much as I missed him...wondering if we could ever make this work. It wasn't any easier at the Amethyst House when I first got there, but just knowing that I'd be seeing Jack when the sun came up, was enough to make it at least somewhat tolerable.
***********
It was a Sunday morning when I awoke to my penis aching for attention. I had been so depressed lately, that I hardly thought about sex over the past couple weeks, but that particular morning, my eighteen year-old hormones were telling me to take care of business, depressed or not.
I slid my hand down the front of my underpants. The tip of my dick was hot to the touch and already glistening. I knew it wasn't going to take much to get myself off, so I quickly wrapped my hand around my shaft and closed my eyes. I began to fantasize about Jack and the way he made me feel when he touched me, the way he smelled, the way he smiled, how gentle and patient he was with me the first time we had sex, the way his eyes twinkled and cheeks pinked when he emptied completely deep inside my body, and the way he held me when it was all over. With just a few firm, dry stokes, my toes involuntarily curled and I released all over my stomach. I laid there for a moment, watching my penis relax and soften. I wiped the white, sticky mess, tangled in my dirty-blond hairs below with my t-shirt and sat up. Instead of feeling better, I felt more alone than ever. I really wasn't sure how much more of this I could take.
I hated Sundays. Sunday was visitor day at New Horizons. All the other patients looked forward to this day like it was fucking Christmas morning. To me, it was just another reminder of how insignificant I was in this world. It was the same deal at the Amethyst House on Sundays, but at the time, I had Jack, so my lack of visitors never really fazed me.
Family and friends arrived at noon. I stayed in my room, curled up in a tight ball in my bed, facing the window that overlooked the parking lot. I watched as all the smiling, hopeful guests arrived in droves to see their loved ones.
Lonely and desperate, I grabbed one of my pillows and clutched it tightly in my arms, pretending to be holding Jack. I'll admit, I even talked to the damn thing, telling my pretend Jack that I loved him, that I wished he were here, that I wish we could have met under different circumstances. I fell back to sleep shortly after.
"Ennis?" I heard Jack say. I smiled into my pillow and hugged it tightly. It was a dream I wouldn't allow myself to wake up from. "Ennis?" I heard him say again, and swore I could feel the warmth of his body snuggle up behind me, his protective arm wrap around my chest, and his chin rest on the top of my head. "Wake up, baby..."
My eyelids flew open. I looked down and saw Jack's gentle hand holding my body tightly against his.
I whipped my head around, eyes glassy. "Jack?" I choked out, turning around completely into his embrace.
He smiled and ran his fingers through my hair. "Yeah, I'm here," he whispered, and softly kissed my lips. He pulled back. His smile disappeared as his eyes and hands scanned my frail body. "You're...you're so thin, baby, you're so thin," he said, barely audible.
Jack didn't look any better than I did. His face was hollow and pale, and the bags under his eyes told me he, too hadn't slept in days.
"I...I missed you, Jack, so much...I-"
"Shh, I know...I know," he murmured against the shell of my ear. He cupped the back of head and brought my face into the curve of his neck. He always seemed to know just what I needed and when.
He allowed me to quietly sob into his sweatshirt, my fingers digging deeply into the flesh on his back. I held nothing back when it came to Jack, nothing. He rocked me gently, whispering things I could barely make out, but it didn't matter, it was still so comforting. Whenever Jack held me in moments like this, I would see all kinds of colors behind my eyelids; blues, greens, reds, and yellows, all blended together like the sky on the Fourth of July.
When I felt I could trust my voice again, I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. "Jack...does Doc know you're here? Is it safe?"
Jack nodded and kissed my forehead. "Yeah, he does. He's actually quite worried about you, Ennis. He said you're not doing so well, thought it would be a good thing to come see ya."
"Really?"
"Yeah." Jack grabbed my hand and brought it to his mouth. He kissed each one of my knuckles. I then did something I hadn't done in well over two weeks-I smiled.
I slid up along his body until we were face to face. I traced a long line down his cheek. "How are you, Jack? How is your therapy going?" I must admit, I was worried about this "intense" therapy that Dr. Lambertus made Jack go to in order to keep his job. I was afraid the therapist would in some way brainwash Jack and convince him that his feelings for me were inappropriate, that he should move on and find someone new. As scared as I was to hear the answer, I still felt I had to ask, I had to know.
Jack blinked several times and then looked down at the bed. "It's going okay, nothin I haven't heard before."
I couldn't help but breathe a huge sigh of relief...huge. "So how much longer do you have to go? What do you talk about? What-"
Jack grinned and placed his index finger on my lips. "Shh, shh, Ennis. I'm okay. I'm doing alright."
I loved that Jack could detect the panic in my voice, even though I tried to keep my face as relaxed as humanly possible. It was just one of the many reasons I loved him so goddamn much. He knew me inside and out, and I needed that, because most days I struggled terribly, trying to figure out the person looking back at me in the mirror.
"I have a couple more weeks to go, then Doc is gonna sit down with me, and I guess, do some kind of re-evaluation."
"Oh," I replied, looking away.
"Hey." Jack lifted my chin and nudged his nose to mine. "Ennis, what about you? How are you holding up?"
"I'm..." I paused and sat up. "I'm a fucking mess, Jack. I don't...I can't...I just." I clenched my jaw and wiped my eyes. "I can't do this without you...I can't. I'm not strong enough. There's no fucking light at the end of the tunnel."
Jack pulled himself up off his back and sat Indian style in front of me. "There is a light, Ennis-"
"Bullshit!"
"Hey, calm down."
"No, I won't, I can't. You said you would figure something out, Jack, that's what you said. This isn't exactly what I had in mind!" I looked away. I could feel the vein in my neck pulsating.
"Keep your voice down. I know this is all one big mess. It's all my fault and I'm so sorry. I never-"
"Are you sorry you met me? Are you?" I couldn't keep my bottom lip from trembling.
"Christ, Ennis. Look at me...look at me."
I slowly turned my head back in his direction. His eyes were blue, really blue, not that gray overcast color they turn when he's on the brink of insanity.
"I love you, Ennis." He paused, allowing his words to sink in to my thick skull. "You're right, I did tell you I would figure this all out, and I'm trying. I really am. Unfortunately, I fucked up along the way, and it's my responsibility to fix things, but rest assured...my future...it includes you, that is..if that's what you want, too."
"Hell yes I want that," I blurted out a little too quickly. Jack smiled. "Jack? Why don't we just get the fuck out of here?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why don't we just get the hell out of New England and start fresh? We could go somewhere neither one of us have ever been." I took a deep breath and scratched the top of my head. "How about Indiana?"
Jack brought his fingers to his lips and chuckled quietly behind them. "Indiana? Well, that's a little random. Why Indiana?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know. It was just the first state that popped in my head."
"Indiana, huh?" Jack asked through a contagious smile.
I giggled, leaned forward, and buried my face into his chest. "I'm not making any sense, am I?."
"No, no you're not, but that's okay," Jack said, rubbing my back. "We can't run from our problems, Ennis. Believe me, been there done that, it never works."
"I know, just wishful thinkin, I guess."
Jack pulled back and placed his hand on my cheek. "Come on. Why don't we go downstairs and get something in your stomach? That'll make you feel a little better."
"Jack..." I brought my hand to his crotch. He looked over his shoulder and slightly parted his legs, allowing me to touch him there until he was just as hard as I was.
"That's enough, Ennis...the last thing we need is to get caught messin around."
I took Jack's hand and brought it between my thighs. I pressed my erection onto his palm. "Just touch me, Jack, please..." Jack nodded, and caressed my penis from the outside of my jeans. I understood that neither one of us was going to get off, but I needed to feel his touch there, I needed something to keep me going, something to keep me sane.
"Ennis..." Jack leaned forward and kissed me hard. I took his tongue hostage, sucking on it until I needed to come up for air. "I missed you...I missed you, Ennis." Jack removed his hand from my body, got out of bed and adjusted his erection. "Come on, let's get something to eat."
I glanced between my legs then back up at Jack.
Jack grinned. "Don't give me that look. Come on," he said, nodding toward the door.
"Wait, um..."
"What, Ennis?"
I brought my knees to my chest and looked up from under my eyelashes. "Jack...I know this is gonna sound real pathetic, but...do you think I...do you think I could I have the t-shirt you're wearing underneath your sweatshirt? Just...just so I can, ya know...have something that smells like you?" The way Jack looked at me just about sent me over the edge.
"Of course you can," he said, pulling his sweatshirt, then his t-shirt over his head. My mouth opened real wide as I stared at his naked upper half. "Here," Jack handed me the plain, white t-shirt and I brought to my nose. It was better than ice cream.
"Do you want one of mine?" I asked.
Jack pressed his lips together and grinned. I knew I was acting a bit immature for an eighteen year-old guy, but desperate times call for desperate measures, right?
"Yes, Ennis. I would like that," he replied quietly. I was relieved and could tell he wasn't just humoring me.
The shirt I had on had just been washed and still smelled like laundry detergent, so I scrambled out of bed and grabbed the dirtiest shirt I could find in my hamper. I took a good whiff first, I wanted it to smell like me in a good way, not like a dirty gym locker room. "Here," I said, tossing my favorite green shirt in his direction. He caught it one-handed, smelled it and said, "Perfect."
**************
We went to the cafe together, careful not to look at each other in that way. I sat across from Jack and kept my head down almost the entire time. It was nearly impossible for me to look into Jack's eyes and not have that obviously puppy dog look on my face.
The cafe was crowed, which was good, because it allowed Jack and I to talk without fear of being heard. I could feel Dr. Lambertus's eyes upon us, watching our every move.
I leaned forward and said in a loud whisper, "Jack...are you sure it's okay that we're together? Doc keeps starin' at us."
Jack took a bite of his hamburger and wiped his mouth. "It's okay, Ennis. We had a long talk about everything," he said, looking at my untouched plate of food. "Eat, eat your lunch."
I groaned and began nibbling at a greasy french fry. "What do you mean, everything? About us? About what?"
"We had a real heart to heart talk the other day. I'll tell you about it some other time, okay?"
"I assume it was a good talk, right?" I asked, swallowing the first bite of real food I'd had in over two weeks.
"It was. It was."
A smile played at the corner of my lips, Jack's did the same. "I'm gonna be staying here for a few days," Jack added casually.
"What?" I gasped, nearly choking on my food.
"Well, even though, I'm technically on probation, Doc's still allowing me to participate in all the meetings and events coming up and whatnot."
"How long will you be here? Why?"
"I'll only be here for about four days or so. He's trying to get the staff from the Amethyst House acquainted with the staff here and wants to revamp the entire program. It's basically just going to be a lot of boring conference-like stuff."
"At least we'll be in the same building, right? Where are you going to sleep?" I asked, wriggling my eyebrows. Just having Jack in my presence made me feel like I was human again.
Jack snickered. "Don't get any ideas. We've gotten ourselves in enough hot water for one lifetime."
"Speaking of that, what's going to happen? Do we have to go to court?"
"Yeah, probably," he sighed. "I'll let you know when I hear something. Christ...I'm so sorry, Ennis...I can't believe-"
"Jack, it's okay. What's done is done. I'm just glad I was there for you when you needed me most. That's all that matters to me."
Jack looked up and I felt his hand caress the top of my knee under the table. I slid my hand below, our fingers interlaced atop one another.
"Ennis, I just want you to know that even when we're apart, I'm always with you, right here." Jack placed his free hand over his heart. "And you're always with me, okay?"
I blinked away a few stinging tears, squeezed his hand under the table, and nodded.
"Now, I know I've asked you a thousand times before, but I really, really want you to embrace this new place, alright? Will you do that for me?"
"Yes, Jack, but...I'm telling you, I'm not a drug addict anymore, I-"
"I know, I know, but the counseling here isn't just about drug use. It's about how to cope, and how to get through those tough times without resorting back to drugs, do you understand?"
I arched a brow and said, "Jack, you were one phone call away from scoring blow just a
couple weeks back." I wasn't trying to be a dick, I was just trying to get my point across that places like this weren't all they were cracked up to be.
"Hey, I never said I was perfect. People slip up all the time, but I got back on my feet. You may be okay right now, but faced with a really difficult situation, you too may find yourself wanting to use again."
"I know. I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to throw that in your face."
Jack stared directly into my eyes. "Look, you have two options here. You can leave this place just as fucked up as you were when you first came in, or leave here, healthy, clean, and prove to Doc that you are ready to conquer the world."
"What difference does it make how-"
"Listen," Jack said, cutting me off. "Doc can't dictate who I see outside the facility, but he sure as hell can tell me who is, and who is not, allowed inside. Now, who's he most likely gonna let in? Someone that left the sober house a blubbering mess? Or someone who turned their entire life around for the better?"
I nodded and smiled. "I understand, Jack. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it for us."
tbc
Rating: R
Genre: au!au
Disclaimer: Ennis and Jack belong to Annie Proulx. No disrespect intended.
Summary: Under cut
*This is a story told from Ennis's POV. He's an eighteen year old drug addict that winds up in a sober living facility. Jack is the residential counselor/adviser. As Jack helps Ennis with his sobriety, Ennis replaces his old addiction for a new one-Jack. Jack, a recovering addict himself, finds himself spiraling back into addiction, except this time his drug of choice is Ennis. Their love for one another becomes possessive, twisted, but pure and forgiving. Can they find a normal balance? What is "normal" anyway...
Links to previous chapters can be found here: lavender-snow.livejournal.com/
Chapter 15
*I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Tracy.*
Jack and I didn't say goodbye when I left the Amethyst House. Instead, we just hugged and looked the other way. I did my very best to keep my tears from falling...I saved them for when I was alone.
Dr. Lambertus drove me to Boston. I didn't say a single word the entire ride, and pretended to sleep most the way there.
*********
The place in Boston was called New Horizons. I hated it. The only thing that I liked about the new facility was that I had my own room. It was small. The walls were all white, broken up by calming, pale blue curtains on the windows. It wasn't bad, shit, anything was better than home.
The first two weeks there was nothing short of a nightmare. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I could barely function.
My new counselor was a woman by the name of Kim. She was a lean, fair-skinned woman with short, dark brown hair. She looked like she was in her late thirties and she was always smiling, so much so, that it made me question her own sobriety...
I tried my best to put on a "I'm just fine" front each time I went to group session, but I knew I wasn't fooling anyone, I was miserable. Just a few short weeks ago, I was sitting at the front of the class glowing, thriving, feeling like everything was going to be okay, but now, now, I was right where I first started- sitting all the way in the back of the room, my head down, my stomach twisting into a million knots, fighting the tears that wouldn't stop coming.
My only sanctuary during the day was the library. Again, no one hung out there, but me. It was a nice library, all shiny and new. It still smelled of fresh paint. Every once in a while, Kim would look for me and encourage me to join the others, just as Jack had once done, but the last thing I wanted to do was interact with anyone. Hell, I could barely form two sentences, let alone socialize with a large group of people.
I knew I was being watched closely by the counselors there. I assumed Dr. Lambertus never breathed a word to anyone about Jack and I, and our "little" incident, but I'm sure he told them that I was a special case...basket-case was more like it.
I attended therapy three days a week. Technically, Doc wanted me to go five days a week, like I had at the Amethyst House, but he knew damn well I wasn't going to open up to a new doctor, so rather than waste their time and mine, he cut my sessions back for when he was there.
As much as I hated the situation Jack and I were in, I didn't hate Doc. How could I? He didn't have to give me this opportunity to stay here and start fresh, and he certainly didn't have to keep Jack on board as one of his counselors. Jack and I really fucked up-big time. I realized that. I also realized that maybe, just maybe, I would one day thank Dr. Lambertus for all he'd done for me, and Jack, for that matter. I just prayed that day would come sooner than later.
I spent most therapy sessions looking out the window, chewing on my fingernails. The only time I did speak was to ask about Jack. I honestly wasn't trying to make Doc's life anymore difficult than I already had, but every time I tried to form a logical sentence, my throat closed up and nothing came out.
*************
The nights were the hardest for me. Like I said before, the only saving grace was that I had my own room. Thank God, because I spent most evenings rocking back and forth in the fetal position, talking, and crying myself to sleep. Either that, or I would just stare out the window for hours, wondering if Jack was looking up at the same stars, wondering if he missed me as much as I missed him...wondering if we could ever make this work. It wasn't any easier at the Amethyst House when I first got there, but just knowing that I'd be seeing Jack when the sun came up, was enough to make it at least somewhat tolerable.
***********
It was a Sunday morning when I awoke to my penis aching for attention. I had been so depressed lately, that I hardly thought about sex over the past couple weeks, but that particular morning, my eighteen year-old hormones were telling me to take care of business, depressed or not.
I slid my hand down the front of my underpants. The tip of my dick was hot to the touch and already glistening. I knew it wasn't going to take much to get myself off, so I quickly wrapped my hand around my shaft and closed my eyes. I began to fantasize about Jack and the way he made me feel when he touched me, the way he smelled, the way he smiled, how gentle and patient he was with me the first time we had sex, the way his eyes twinkled and cheeks pinked when he emptied completely deep inside my body, and the way he held me when it was all over. With just a few firm, dry stokes, my toes involuntarily curled and I released all over my stomach. I laid there for a moment, watching my penis relax and soften. I wiped the white, sticky mess, tangled in my dirty-blond hairs below with my t-shirt and sat up. Instead of feeling better, I felt more alone than ever. I really wasn't sure how much more of this I could take.
I hated Sundays. Sunday was visitor day at New Horizons. All the other patients looked forward to this day like it was fucking Christmas morning. To me, it was just another reminder of how insignificant I was in this world. It was the same deal at the Amethyst House on Sundays, but at the time, I had Jack, so my lack of visitors never really fazed me.
Family and friends arrived at noon. I stayed in my room, curled up in a tight ball in my bed, facing the window that overlooked the parking lot. I watched as all the smiling, hopeful guests arrived in droves to see their loved ones.
Lonely and desperate, I grabbed one of my pillows and clutched it tightly in my arms, pretending to be holding Jack. I'll admit, I even talked to the damn thing, telling my pretend Jack that I loved him, that I wished he were here, that I wish we could have met under different circumstances. I fell back to sleep shortly after.
"Ennis?" I heard Jack say. I smiled into my pillow and hugged it tightly. It was a dream I wouldn't allow myself to wake up from. "Ennis?" I heard him say again, and swore I could feel the warmth of his body snuggle up behind me, his protective arm wrap around my chest, and his chin rest on the top of my head. "Wake up, baby..."
My eyelids flew open. I looked down and saw Jack's gentle hand holding my body tightly against his.
I whipped my head around, eyes glassy. "Jack?" I choked out, turning around completely into his embrace.
He smiled and ran his fingers through my hair. "Yeah, I'm here," he whispered, and softly kissed my lips. He pulled back. His smile disappeared as his eyes and hands scanned my frail body. "You're...you're so thin, baby, you're so thin," he said, barely audible.
Jack didn't look any better than I did. His face was hollow and pale, and the bags under his eyes told me he, too hadn't slept in days.
"I...I missed you, Jack, so much...I-"
"Shh, I know...I know," he murmured against the shell of my ear. He cupped the back of head and brought my face into the curve of his neck. He always seemed to know just what I needed and when.
He allowed me to quietly sob into his sweatshirt, my fingers digging deeply into the flesh on his back. I held nothing back when it came to Jack, nothing. He rocked me gently, whispering things I could barely make out, but it didn't matter, it was still so comforting. Whenever Jack held me in moments like this, I would see all kinds of colors behind my eyelids; blues, greens, reds, and yellows, all blended together like the sky on the Fourth of July.
When I felt I could trust my voice again, I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. "Jack...does Doc know you're here? Is it safe?"
Jack nodded and kissed my forehead. "Yeah, he does. He's actually quite worried about you, Ennis. He said you're not doing so well, thought it would be a good thing to come see ya."
"Really?"
"Yeah." Jack grabbed my hand and brought it to his mouth. He kissed each one of my knuckles. I then did something I hadn't done in well over two weeks-I smiled.
I slid up along his body until we were face to face. I traced a long line down his cheek. "How are you, Jack? How is your therapy going?" I must admit, I was worried about this "intense" therapy that Dr. Lambertus made Jack go to in order to keep his job. I was afraid the therapist would in some way brainwash Jack and convince him that his feelings for me were inappropriate, that he should move on and find someone new. As scared as I was to hear the answer, I still felt I had to ask, I had to know.
Jack blinked several times and then looked down at the bed. "It's going okay, nothin I haven't heard before."
I couldn't help but breathe a huge sigh of relief...huge. "So how much longer do you have to go? What do you talk about? What-"
Jack grinned and placed his index finger on my lips. "Shh, shh, Ennis. I'm okay. I'm doing alright."
I loved that Jack could detect the panic in my voice, even though I tried to keep my face as relaxed as humanly possible. It was just one of the many reasons I loved him so goddamn much. He knew me inside and out, and I needed that, because most days I struggled terribly, trying to figure out the person looking back at me in the mirror.
"I have a couple more weeks to go, then Doc is gonna sit down with me, and I guess, do some kind of re-evaluation."
"Oh," I replied, looking away.
"Hey." Jack lifted my chin and nudged his nose to mine. "Ennis, what about you? How are you holding up?"
"I'm..." I paused and sat up. "I'm a fucking mess, Jack. I don't...I can't...I just." I clenched my jaw and wiped my eyes. "I can't do this without you...I can't. I'm not strong enough. There's no fucking light at the end of the tunnel."
Jack pulled himself up off his back and sat Indian style in front of me. "There is a light, Ennis-"
"Bullshit!"
"Hey, calm down."
"No, I won't, I can't. You said you would figure something out, Jack, that's what you said. This isn't exactly what I had in mind!" I looked away. I could feel the vein in my neck pulsating.
"Keep your voice down. I know this is all one big mess. It's all my fault and I'm so sorry. I never-"
"Are you sorry you met me? Are you?" I couldn't keep my bottom lip from trembling.
"Christ, Ennis. Look at me...look at me."
I slowly turned my head back in his direction. His eyes were blue, really blue, not that gray overcast color they turn when he's on the brink of insanity.
"I love you, Ennis." He paused, allowing his words to sink in to my thick skull. "You're right, I did tell you I would figure this all out, and I'm trying. I really am. Unfortunately, I fucked up along the way, and it's my responsibility to fix things, but rest assured...my future...it includes you, that is..if that's what you want, too."
"Hell yes I want that," I blurted out a little too quickly. Jack smiled. "Jack? Why don't we just get the fuck out of here?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why don't we just get the hell out of New England and start fresh? We could go somewhere neither one of us have ever been." I took a deep breath and scratched the top of my head. "How about Indiana?"
Jack brought his fingers to his lips and chuckled quietly behind them. "Indiana? Well, that's a little random. Why Indiana?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know. It was just the first state that popped in my head."
"Indiana, huh?" Jack asked through a contagious smile.
I giggled, leaned forward, and buried my face into his chest. "I'm not making any sense, am I?."
"No, no you're not, but that's okay," Jack said, rubbing my back. "We can't run from our problems, Ennis. Believe me, been there done that, it never works."
"I know, just wishful thinkin, I guess."
Jack pulled back and placed his hand on my cheek. "Come on. Why don't we go downstairs and get something in your stomach? That'll make you feel a little better."
"Jack..." I brought my hand to his crotch. He looked over his shoulder and slightly parted his legs, allowing me to touch him there until he was just as hard as I was.
"That's enough, Ennis...the last thing we need is to get caught messin around."
I took Jack's hand and brought it between my thighs. I pressed my erection onto his palm. "Just touch me, Jack, please..." Jack nodded, and caressed my penis from the outside of my jeans. I understood that neither one of us was going to get off, but I needed to feel his touch there, I needed something to keep me going, something to keep me sane.
"Ennis..." Jack leaned forward and kissed me hard. I took his tongue hostage, sucking on it until I needed to come up for air. "I missed you...I missed you, Ennis." Jack removed his hand from my body, got out of bed and adjusted his erection. "Come on, let's get something to eat."
I glanced between my legs then back up at Jack.
Jack grinned. "Don't give me that look. Come on," he said, nodding toward the door.
"Wait, um..."
"What, Ennis?"
I brought my knees to my chest and looked up from under my eyelashes. "Jack...I know this is gonna sound real pathetic, but...do you think I...do you think I could I have the t-shirt you're wearing underneath your sweatshirt? Just...just so I can, ya know...have something that smells like you?" The way Jack looked at me just about sent me over the edge.
"Of course you can," he said, pulling his sweatshirt, then his t-shirt over his head. My mouth opened real wide as I stared at his naked upper half. "Here," Jack handed me the plain, white t-shirt and I brought to my nose. It was better than ice cream.
"Do you want one of mine?" I asked.
Jack pressed his lips together and grinned. I knew I was acting a bit immature for an eighteen year-old guy, but desperate times call for desperate measures, right?
"Yes, Ennis. I would like that," he replied quietly. I was relieved and could tell he wasn't just humoring me.
The shirt I had on had just been washed and still smelled like laundry detergent, so I scrambled out of bed and grabbed the dirtiest shirt I could find in my hamper. I took a good whiff first, I wanted it to smell like me in a good way, not like a dirty gym locker room. "Here," I said, tossing my favorite green shirt in his direction. He caught it one-handed, smelled it and said, "Perfect."
**************
We went to the cafe together, careful not to look at each other in that way. I sat across from Jack and kept my head down almost the entire time. It was nearly impossible for me to look into Jack's eyes and not have that obviously puppy dog look on my face.
The cafe was crowed, which was good, because it allowed Jack and I to talk without fear of being heard. I could feel Dr. Lambertus's eyes upon us, watching our every move.
I leaned forward and said in a loud whisper, "Jack...are you sure it's okay that we're together? Doc keeps starin' at us."
Jack took a bite of his hamburger and wiped his mouth. "It's okay, Ennis. We had a long talk about everything," he said, looking at my untouched plate of food. "Eat, eat your lunch."
I groaned and began nibbling at a greasy french fry. "What do you mean, everything? About us? About what?"
"We had a real heart to heart talk the other day. I'll tell you about it some other time, okay?"
"I assume it was a good talk, right?" I asked, swallowing the first bite of real food I'd had in over two weeks.
"It was. It was."
A smile played at the corner of my lips, Jack's did the same. "I'm gonna be staying here for a few days," Jack added casually.
"What?" I gasped, nearly choking on my food.
"Well, even though, I'm technically on probation, Doc's still allowing me to participate in all the meetings and events coming up and whatnot."
"How long will you be here? Why?"
"I'll only be here for about four days or so. He's trying to get the staff from the Amethyst House acquainted with the staff here and wants to revamp the entire program. It's basically just going to be a lot of boring conference-like stuff."
"At least we'll be in the same building, right? Where are you going to sleep?" I asked, wriggling my eyebrows. Just having Jack in my presence made me feel like I was human again.
Jack snickered. "Don't get any ideas. We've gotten ourselves in enough hot water for one lifetime."
"Speaking of that, what's going to happen? Do we have to go to court?"
"Yeah, probably," he sighed. "I'll let you know when I hear something. Christ...I'm so sorry, Ennis...I can't believe-"
"Jack, it's okay. What's done is done. I'm just glad I was there for you when you needed me most. That's all that matters to me."
Jack looked up and I felt his hand caress the top of my knee under the table. I slid my hand below, our fingers interlaced atop one another.
"Ennis, I just want you to know that even when we're apart, I'm always with you, right here." Jack placed his free hand over his heart. "And you're always with me, okay?"
I blinked away a few stinging tears, squeezed his hand under the table, and nodded.
"Now, I know I've asked you a thousand times before, but I really, really want you to embrace this new place, alright? Will you do that for me?"
"Yes, Jack, but...I'm telling you, I'm not a drug addict anymore, I-"
"I know, I know, but the counseling here isn't just about drug use. It's about how to cope, and how to get through those tough times without resorting back to drugs, do you understand?"
I arched a brow and said, "Jack, you were one phone call away from scoring blow just a
couple weeks back." I wasn't trying to be a dick, I was just trying to get my point across that places like this weren't all they were cracked up to be.
"Hey, I never said I was perfect. People slip up all the time, but I got back on my feet. You may be okay right now, but faced with a really difficult situation, you too may find yourself wanting to use again."
"I know. I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to throw that in your face."
Jack stared directly into my eyes. "Look, you have two options here. You can leave this place just as fucked up as you were when you first came in, or leave here, healthy, clean, and prove to Doc that you are ready to conquer the world."
"What difference does it make how-"
"Listen," Jack said, cutting me off. "Doc can't dictate who I see outside the facility, but he sure as hell can tell me who is, and who is not, allowed inside. Now, who's he most likely gonna let in? Someone that left the sober house a blubbering mess? Or someone who turned their entire life around for the better?"
I nodded and smiled. "I understand, Jack. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it for us."
tbc