Too in Love to Let it Go, Chapter 23
Author: gingerandfair/lavender_love00
Genre: AU/Married!Klaine/future-fic
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 7400/200,000
Spoilers: none
Chapter summary: In which Nick's relationship with Jeff grows a little murkier, and Kurt and Blaine don't have it all quite figured out, but they're working on it.
Prologue (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 1 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 2 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 3 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 4 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 5 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 6 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 7 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 8 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) Chapter 9 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 10 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 11 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 12 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 13 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 14 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 15 on (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 16 on ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 17 on ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 18 on (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 19 on ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 20 on ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 21 on (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 22 on ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C)
Read Chapter 23 on AO3/Tumblr/S&C
Chapter 23
Friday, September 15th, 2023
Jeff's heart thud-thud-thudded in his chest as he briskly walked from his plane to the baggage claim area. He crossed his arms tightly over his chest, wishing he'd worn something more substantial than a ¾-length sleeved raglan t-shirt. It was freezing in the airport.
"Jeff!"
He spun around, turning in the direction of his name, and grinned widely as Nick came bounding over to him, nearly tackling him into a hug.
"Hi," he murmured into Nick's hair, discreetly inhaling the fresh-smelling shampoo scent, trying not to nuzzle his nose right into it.
"Hi yourself," Nick said into his shoulder, his voice muffled.
"Thanks for meeting me - I know it's late."
"Oh, like I'd let you just go to Kurt's without seeing me first." Nick rolled his eyes. "I'm glad you're here."
"Oh my god, me too. I know two weekends in a row might seem like a little much, but I miss you," Jeff said, squeezing around Nick's back one more time before letting go to grab his suitcase off the belt. "I should just need to move here."
"I support that idea a hundred percent," Nick said. "We could be roommates."
Jeff got lost in the thought for a moment - waking up, eating breakfast with Nick before they both went off to work, cooking dinner together, sharing beers over movies before bed …
"Hey, you still with me?"
"Yeah, sorry," Jeff said, running a hand through his already-messy hair. "It was just a long day, and then a long flight …"
"No problem. Let's get you to Kurt's and put you to bed, okay?"
* * *
Jeff fell asleep against the window of the taxi almost as soon as it started moving. In what seemed like no time, Nick was waking him, gently shaking his shoulder.
"Jeff? Hey, wake up - we're here."
Jeff slowly woke to see Nick grinning at him. "You've got an awesome red mark on the side of your face," he said. "And - hold still, you've got a little -"
Jeff swore his heart stopped as Nick gently wiped the corner of his mouth with his thumb, then wanted to crawl under the seat of the taxi and never come out when he realized that what Nick had wiped away was drool.
"Uh, thanks," he said, blushing furiously.
"Come on, I'll get your bag."
There was an awkward tension between them as they stood in the elevator that Jeff had never felt with Nick before, and he was relieved to arrive at Kurt and Blaine's condo. Nick deposited Jeff's bag beside the couch, and Jeff allowed himself to be gathered into a gentle hug. For the second time that night, he had to keep himself from nestling his nose in Nick's soft hair, but he couldn't keep the grin from spreading across his face when Nick bid him goodnight with a peck on the cheek.
"Soooooo," Kurt sang as soon as Nick had gone, "how are things on that front?"
"He's going to kill me," Jeff moaned, grabbing a throw pillow and hugging it to his chest as he let his chin sink down into it.
"For what?"
"No, that's not - he's not going to kill me, I'm just going to die because of him," he clarified, his voice a little muffled by the pillow.
"Oh."
Jeff shook his head. "We Skype every night. I've been more affectionate with him than normal - I even flirt with him, and nothing. No change. He's still the same Nick he's always been. I mean, you saw him tonight …"
"I did. And, to be perfectly honest, Jeff, it didn't look much like a platonic friendship kind of affection to me …"
"You think?" Jeff asked, hope blooming in his chest like a daffodil opening toward the sun. "He did ask me to come back after just a week …"
"Well obviously I can't tell you for sure," Kurt said, "but I don't think it's quite time to give up on him, yet. Aren't you spending the day with him tomorrow?"
"Yep. All day. He's taking me to the Skyscraper Museum," Jeff grinned.
"Isn't that the architecture museum?"
"It most certainly is."
Kurt smiled at him. "Well maybe spending the day with him will give you a better picture of where you stand. But - Jeff, it's clear that he cares about you, and not just on a superficial level. I don't think he'd run the other direction if you told him you'd decided to quit architecture to become an axe murderer."
Jeff laughed, his cheeks flushing. "I don't know about that …"
"I think I do," Kurt said, raising an eyebrow.
"Whatever. I'm not getting my hopes up anytime soon." It was a blatant lie. Jeff's pulse was suddenly pumping to the beat of an electro-dance mix.
"Well, suit yourself, but I've never had a friend act like that around me, especially not one who was straight. Or, almost straight. Or whatever he is," Kurt said.
Jeff shrugged, trying to calm his heart rate. "Nick's different."
"That he is," Kurt said with a smile. "He's a good guy. You'd do well to keep him."
"Yeah, well, let's hope I get to."
* * *
Saturday, September 16th, 2023
"…And his face lit up when we got to the mini-models," Nick was telling Blaine, gushing about his and Jeff's trip to the Skyscraper Museum that afternoon. "You should have seen him, it was adorable -"
"Adorable, huh?" Blaine said, the pen that he was tapping against the coffee table stilling in his hand.
"I mean - god, you know what he looks like when he gets all excited about stuff," Nick said, exasperated at Blaine's insinuation, mainly because he did not mean for that word to escape his mouth. He'd heard it too many times uttered from Blaine's own lips not to understand exactly what it suggested.
"Do I?"
Nick rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Anyway, it was a good idea, taking him there. I knew he'd love it."
"Well, good. I'm glad you had a good time with him," Blaine said with a smile. "Are we meeting up with him and Kurt tonight?"
"Yes," Nick said, his excitement building. "We're going bowling."
Blaine looked at him, a neutral expression on his face. "Really."
"Yeah - is that not okay with you?" Nick asked, his smile fading. "We just want you guys to be able to get out and have fun …"
"Well," Blaine said casually, resuming his pen-tapping, "I'm actually more worried about whether you'll have fun after I school your ass."
Nick stared at him, then broke into a grin. "Is that so?"
"Have you ever seen me bowl, Nick?" Blaine asked, dead serious.
"Well - no, I don't think so -"
"Get ready, then, because my skills will catch the lane on fire."
Nick laughed out loud. "We'll see about that."
* * *
Kurt and Jeff met Blaine and Nick at the subway station at seven that night. Kurt was a little hesitant with Blaine at first, but his husband was in such a good mood that he couldn't help but follow suit, and soon all four of them were laughing and talking as if nothing had ever happened at all.
"I can't believe we're going all the way to Times Square to go bowling," Jeff laughed. "Aren't there lanes somewhere closer to the East Village?"
"Oh, there are, but you've got to have the experience," Blaine said. "Back me up, Kurt."
"He's not wrong," Kurt said with a smile. "You've probably never bowled like this before. I hate bowling, and even I like coming here. It's like - luxury bowling. Bowling with aesthetics. Even the shoes are halfway decent."
The way Blaine grinned at him made every minute of throwing a twelve-pound ball at some stupid-looking pins for several hours worth the misery.
Once they'd exited the subway station and were walking among the bright lights of Times Square, Kurt hung back a little, unable to keep himself from staring at Blaine's green chino-clad ass. It was going to be a good night, he thought optimistically. Blaine looked gorgeous in cropped green pants and a blue-checkered shirt with the sleeves rolled up, showing off his forearms. As long as he could stare at them all night, Kurt would throw a stupid, germy neon ball as many times as they wanted him to.
Once the doors of the bowling alley opened and they stepped inside, they were immediately surrounded with loud music and a hard, driving bass line. Nick and Jeff made a beeline for the bar and Blaine moved to follow them, but Kurt caught his arm, his optimism quickly dissolving.
"You're drinking tonight? Seriously?"
Blaine was clearly annoyed. "Well, I was planning to - I'm out with friends, Kurt, what's it going to hurt? One drink, just a gin and tonic or something -"
"Why?"
"Because I want to have fun for once! I won't get drunk and ruin your night, I promise," Blaine snapped, pulling his arm away and spinning on his heel.
And just like that, the promise of the night dissipated, and Kurt hung his head, nursing his disappointed heart yet again.
* * *
Blaine swaggered back to his seat after scoring his third strike in a row, clapping his hands above his head before swiveling around and dropping into his seat. "And that's how it's done."
"Blaine, man, you're making us all look bad," Nick said, taking another swig of his beer.
"Yes, Blaine is somewhat of a bowling enigma," Kurt said drily, rolling his eyes. "His score is, on average, about 20 points higher per drink. What are we on now? Two?"
"Two, and that's it, Kurt. Will you please get off my back?" Blaine said.
"Fine, fine." Kurt held his hands up in surrender. "Jeff, you're up."
Jeff marched over with his bright green ball and smirked at Blaine.
“You think you're so awesome, let's see you do this.” He turned around backwards and rolled the ball between his legs. They all watched as the ball ambled its way down the lane and hit the pins square in the middle, knocking each and every one of them to the ground.
"How do you even do that?" Nick asked, incredulous. He pointed at Blaine. "Can you do that?"
"I don't know. I've never tried. That was pretty impressive, Jeff …"
Jeff gave a little curtsy before sitting back down.
“So what your statement should have been, Nick, is that Blaine and Jeff are just making us look bad...” Kurt sighed and got his bowling ball. He was trying to have fun, he really was. He'd promised himself that he'd have fun. But between Blaine's almost-empty glass and Kurt's embarrassingly bad bowling game, he really wasn't enjoying himself very much.
He didn't put much effort into his turn, and the ball thunked onto the floor and rolled straight into the gutter.
"Come on, Kurt," Jeff said, nudging his shoulder when he sat back down. "Perk up a little."
"Don't bother - he's mad at me," Blaine said, tossing back the last swallow of his drink.
"Blaine -"
"No, seriously. I have two drinks, and -"
Kurt sighed heavily. "Yeah, and you said you were only having one."
"So is it your job to police me now?" Blaine said, raising his voice a little.
"I'm not doing this with you. Especially not here," Kurt said flatly, and began unlacing his shoes. "You guys have fun - I'm just being a spoil-sport anyway."
"No, Kurt, wait -" Jeff said, placing a steady hand on Kurt's arm as Nick leaned over and whispered something in Blaine's ear.
Kurt paused with his fingers still on the laces, watching Blaine look toward the ground. "Okay, fine," he said, "I'm sorry. I just - is it so bad that I want to feel human for one night, Kurt? That I want to have a good time with my friends without feeling like shit for doing it?"
"No," Kurt said quietly. "There's nothing wrong with that at all." He grudgingly began to retie his shoes. "I just wish you didn't have to use alcohol to do it."
Kurt was quiet for the rest of the game, fading into the background of the conversation. He tried to laugh in the appropriate places, make appropriate comments, but his mind was miles away.
At the end of the game, he trailed the rest of them by a hundred points.
* * *
Blaine's frustration had lessened throughout the game, especially as the alcohol had begun to take effect. After bowling strike after strike, it was hard to be angry, and by the end of the game, he was actually feeling a little remorseful about how much he'd snapped at Kurt. Blaine had tried to stop him, to apologize before they returned their bowling shoes, but Kurt just walked away.
"So I think Jeff and I are gonna head to a bar or club or something," Nick said as they were slipping their shoes back on. "Do you guys want to join? Dance a little, let off some steam?"
Unsurprisingly, Kurt shook his head. "I'm not up for dancing tonight, sorry."
"Me either," Blaine said, hoping to get some time to talk with Kurt on the way home. "But you guys have fun."
They waved as Nick and Jeff walked down the street, and Blaine took a deep breath. "Want some company going home?"
Kurt shrugged. "If you want."
They walked in awkward silence for a while as Blaine fell in step beside him on the sidewalk. Once it was clear that Kurt wasn't going to say anything, Blaine finally spoke up.
"I just don't understand why you got so mad. I was hoping tonight would be good - I was hoping I'd get to see you smile at least once …"
"I wanted it to be good, too. I just don't want to stand by and watch you destroy yourself," Kurt said softly.
"Kurt, it was two drinks -"
"Which started as one, and turned into two," he snapped, "and could just as easily have turned into three or four or five or god knows what -"
"But it didn't," Blaine said.
Kurt whipped around to face him. "Do you not recall telling me two days ago that you drank yourself into a stupor and didn't care whether you woke up or not?"
Blaine gaped at him. "But that's - I don't feel like that now - it was -"
"And how am I supposed to be sure of that?" Kurt asked. "How do I know that you aren't going to go straight back to Nick's apartment and drink another bottle of Jack Daniels?"
"Okay, first, I'm never touching that stuff again," Blaine said, his stomach doing an uncomfortable lurch at the mere thought of whiskey. "I've told you that. But - you don't know, I guess. You just have to trust that I won't."
"Well, I'm sorry, but I'm having a hard time trusting you right now." Kurt hung his head and started walking toward the subway again.
"I'd really like to work on that," Blaine said, following him. If fighting tooth and nail was what it would take to get them back to being them…
"I'd like to work on it, too. I thought that's what we talked about on Thursday. But until then -"
Blaine sighed. "Do you not want me to drink anymore?"
Kurt halted in the middle of the sidewalk, peering sideways at Blaine. "You'd stop?"
"If it would make you feel better - yes. I'd stop." Blaine was surprised at how serious he was when he said it.
"Like, forever?" Kurt asked skeptically.
"Well, I'd hope that you would eventually trust me enough to have a drink or two every now and then, but if it meant being with you or not …"
Kurt blinked at him. "Really?"
"I'm not playing around here, Kurt," Blaine said. "I really did just want to relax tonight. I'm serious about getting help, and I'm serious about working things out between us. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize it."
Kurt considered this. "Okay," he finally said. "I'm sorry I acted like such an ass tonight."
"It's okay," Blaine said with a shrug. "I'm sorry too." He offered his open palm to Kurt, and was pleasantly surprised when he took it. Blaine squeezed Kurt's hand in his as they walked down the sidewalk toward the subway station, feeling Kurt's warmth creep slowly up his entire arm.
* * *
"Nick - you do know this is a gay club, right?" Jeff said hesitantly as they queued up in front of the bouncer.
"Well, yeah," Nick said, rolling his eyes toward the bright sign broadcasting the words "The Cock" above the front door. "It'd be kind of hard to miss …"
"Are you - why are we at a gay club?"
"Well you're gay, aren't you?"
Jeff looked sideways at him. "Yeah, but -"
"But nothing. Do you know how many times you've gone to bars and clubs with me and subjected yourself to half-naked pole dancers and homophobic assholes? I just figured it was your turn to have a little fun for once."
"You -" Jeff was a little baffled still. "Let me get this straight. You want to go to a gay club. With me. You know what happens inside gay clubs, right?"
Nick shrugged. "I'll be your wingman, if you want. Let me know if you see a guy you like …"
Jeff chuckled, then started to laugh, then laughed harder. This was ludicrous. This was the universe either showering down blessings and rainbows and unicorns on him, or making his entire life into a joke that was really not very funny. This was -
"What's so funny? Do you think I'd be a bad wingman?"
"Oh, god, Nick," Jeff said, still laughing, and pulled his friend into a hug. "No, not at all, I just - I really love you, okay?"
"I love you too, man," Nick grinned. "I'm really glad we're doing this."
* * *
"Jeff," Nick said over the loud music as he sipped on his third rum and coke, "you haven't danced with anybody. There's nothing wrong with high standards, but -"
"Oh my god, fine. You want me to dance? I'll dance," Jeff said, sounding a little drunk and a lot exasperated. He got up from his chair, holding onto the table to steady himself, and Nick's eyes followed him to the dance floor, where a very tall, very attractive Latino man grabbed his hand. Nick smiled, happy that Jeff was finally spreading his wings a little. But what Nick wasn't anticipating was the uneasy, almost angry feeling that unfurled deep inside him, swirling in his veins, pumping from his heart to the rest of his body until his toes were curling with it. It felt like a whole hell of a lot more than phantom pain.
He watched the guy's hands travel lower and lower on Jeff's back until they were resting on the very top of his ass, and he could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up when the guy rolled his hips into Jeff's, making Jeff's head roll on his neck.
Nick tried to reason with himself as he gulped the rest of his drink in three big swallows. It was just his protective, loyal nature making him feel this way. There was no reason he shouldfeel jealous. He'd been encouraging this for months - he should be happy for Jeff, that he was finally getting out and having fun. He was happy for Jeff. He was.
Which was why he was so confused when his legs seemed to move of their own volition, propelling him toward the dance floor.
"Hey!" he yelled over the blare of the music.
Obnoxiously Sexy Latino Guy (which is what Nick's apparently addled brain had nicknamed him, and oh god, what was happening to him?) whipped around with a look that clearly read get the fuck out of here.
Jeff grinned over Latino Guy's shoulder, waggled his fingers in an adorable wave.
"Want to dance?" Nick yelled again, miming the action in case Jeff couldn't hear him.
A look of total shock that came over Jeff's face as he processed what Nick had just said. "You want to dance? With me?" he shouted back.
Nick nodded with a satisfied grin, but then panic struck. Uh oh, he thought, have you ever danced with a guy? Do you even know how to dance with a guy?
Jeff blinked at him. "Really?"
Obnoxiously Sexy Latino Guy was growing annoyed with this exchange. "You wanna dance with that asshole?" he yelled.
"Yes." Jeff's mouth moved, his voice too quiet for Nick to hear, but his answer was clear.
If Nick was a bit shaken by this, if he wondered why Jeff was able to answer so quickly, he didn't show it. He walked right into Jeff's open arms as Latino guy rolled his eyes and stalked off toward the bar.
The "dancing," if one could call that what they were trying to do, was terribly awkward at first, more awkward than anything they'd ever done together. As tactile as they normally were, they just couldn't figure out how to make their bodies fit together on the dance floor, and Nick was internally smacking himself for coming up with the worst idea in history just because some guy was macking on his best friend.
But after a few minutes, after some tense laughter and a near-miss where Nick could have easily broken Jeff's nose with his forehead, Jeff just laughed fondly and shouted, "Why don't you turn around?"
And Nick did.
He closed his eyes as Jeff's arms slid around him, his back pressed close to Jeff's chest. He was a little dizzy, a little drunk and a little bewildered if he was being honest, but none of that compared with the warmth he felt. It shouldn't have felt like that, he thought, quiet and intimate amid the pounding bass line that made his very bones vibrate, but Jeff's arms felt safe. Jeff's arms felt like home.
"There," Jeff said, only for Nick, his breath ghosting over Nick's ear, "just relax, and let yourself move." A shiver ran down Nick's spine as a little lock of Jeff's hair tickled his face, and he realized just how close they were. But he did as Jeff said, taking a deep breath, letting it out, then relaxing against Jeff's long, thin frame behind him.
Soon they were rolling their hips in time with the music, and Nick tried not to think about his blood pooling in places it shouldn't have been pooling as his hand meandered its way up behind Jeff's neck. It was delight he'd never felt before, being held against someone, moving rhythmically with them, the whole world disappearing. He'd never danced like this with anyone, not Caroline, not any other girl before her. He moved his hand from Jeff's neck up into his hair and felt Jeff suck in a gasp of air as his head dropped close to Nick's shoulder.
"Nick," he said, using a low tone that Nick had never heard before, and it was maybe a good thing he hadn't the way Nick's body reacted to it. "You're a really good dancer."
"Thank you," Nick murmured, tipping his head back to make sure Jeff could hear him, and - oh god.
Jeff had dropped his head further, brushing his lips over the sensitive skin in the curve of Nick's neck, and Nick's hand gripped tighter to the back of Jeff's head as he gasped.
"Nick -" Jeff murmured, and - oh god, Jeff was kissing his mouth.
They were so soft, Jeff's lips - Nick was surprised at how soft they were, and he tried to remember in the seconds that seemed like hours if he'd ever seen Jeff use lip balm before. Jeff's pouty bottom lip dragged over Nick's, and he inhaled sharply through his nose, his neck craned uncomfortably, but he absolutely did not care. He should have been freaking out, he should have been having an existential crisis or something, but that could be saved for later. Because this, this -
"Oh, god," Jeff croaked, pulling away and covering his mouth with one of his hands. "Oh my god I'm sorry -"
For what? Nick wanted to ask, but felt there could be better uses of his time, and he spun around, grabbed the back of Jeff's head, and pressed his lips against his best friend's again. Jeff moaned against him, and if he didn't have a hard-on before, well …
Their lips parted in some sort of serendipitous synchrony, and as their tongues touched for the first time, Nick forgot the club, the music, the mass of writhing, moving bodies around him. He forgot everything he ever knew, and replaced it all with the feel of Jeff's lips against his, of Jeff's tongue licking into the dark recesses of his mouth.
He wasn't sure how long it lasted, he wasn't sure Jeff knew either, but at some point they broke apart, Jeff's face bright red, a smile stretching over it.
"Hi."
"Hi," Jeff said, laughing, then covering his face with his hands. "I can't believe I did that. I - I think I am not entirely sober."
Nick grinned at him. "Let's go outside," he said, nodding toward the door.
Jeff grabbed his hand, beaming like a child.
But once they were outside, after the door had closed and the music was muffled, Nick's ears pounding with the absence of the noise, the reality of what they'd just done hit him like a ton of bricks.
"So," Jeff said, still smiling.
"So …" Nick's heart threatened to beat right out of his chest. He would never, ever, ever hurt Jeff, but he needed some space, a few minutes to think.
Jeff sensed his hesitance, and his smile faded. "I'm sorry - I, uh, got a little carried away -"
"No, it's - don't be sorry," Nick said, trying to take care with his words. "Seriously don't. But - this needs to marinate, maybe? I just - I, um …"
"You need to figure out if this was a drunk thing or a thing that you actually wanted?" Jeff supplied. "Or a thing that I pushed you into?"
"Hey, hey, you didn't push me into anything," Nick said, his heart breaking as Jeff's eyes deadened. "And I'm not that drunk. I just - I need -"
"You need me to leave?" Jeff asked, looking impossibly sad.
"No!" Nick exclaimed, grabbing hold of his arm. "No. I do not. I just need to go home, and think, and sleep, and we need to talk about this tomorrow, okay?"
Jeff nodded, and Nick could see tears forming in the corners of his eyes. "I just - god, I'm an asshole for even saying this, but it could be the last time I ever get to and I just - please, just one more? Please?"
Nick didn’t think it was possible to refuse Jeff anything, especially not when his voice was thick with tears. He never answered, just stepped into Jeff's space and, grasping his face in what he hoped weren't clammy hands, lifted himself onto his tip-toes and pressed his lips to Jeff's for a third time that night. The kiss was sweet, and, while it wasn't nearly as intense as the two that happened inside the club, it was uncomfortable and shocking to think about how good it felt, how much he wanted it, how much he wanted more than just the one.
"Hey - we're okay, alright?" he said when they broke apart, still cupping Jeff's face in his hands. "We're fine. I just need to think." Jeff nodded, his eyes closed, clearly holding back tears. "We're fine," Nick repeated, pulling him close and pressing a kiss to his forehead. "We'll talk tomorrow, I swear, okay?"
"Okay," Jeff said, taking a deep breath and wiping his eyes.
It was quiet in the cab Nick hailed, heavy tension filling the air. But Nick couldn't bear to hurt Jeff any more than he already had, so he lay his hand down on the middle seat in between them, and when Jeff slotted their fingers together, Nick pulled Jeff's hand up to his lips and kissed his knuckles, one by one. They held hands the remainder of the way home.
* * *
Jeff exhaled slowly as he sank to the floor, his back against the door to Kurt and Blaine's condo. His head was swimming, and not just from the alcohol.
"So, how'd it go?"
Jeff jumped like he'd been shot, unaware that Kurt was lying on the couch, the charcoal gray quilt from his and Blaine's bedroom pulled up around his shoulders.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Jeff said, willing his voice not to shake. "I thought you would've been in bed by now."
"I told you before, I can't sleep," Kurt said, stretching his arms above his head. "So tell me - how'd it go?"
"I either completely blew it or totally scored," Jeff said, miserably dropping his face into his hands. "And I have no idea which it is."
"What happened?"
"I kissed him."
Kurt sat up, his hair sticking out at odd angles. "Oh. Come sit."
Jeff did, and startled at the first touch of Kurt's fingertips. Kurt didn't usually touch people, but he was grateful - the circles Kurt was rubbing on his back and the silence that surrounded them was comforting, gave him time and space to think. He should've been thinking about a plan of action, what the hell he was going to do now, but he couldn't stop thinking about the feeling of Nick's lips - they were perfect, he already knew that from the times that Nick had pecked him on the cheek, but he had no idea how intoxicating they could be. He lifted his hand, running his forefinger over his own lips, still tingling from the kiss goodnight that Nick had surprised him with.
"He kissed me back."
"Oh." Kurt said, his voice neutral. "Well - that's promising, right?"
"I hope so." Jeff sighed, remembering Nick's hesitant behavior right after they exited the club. He shouldn't have been surprised. He did completely blindside his friend by making out with him in the middle of a dance floor, but Nick was the one who'd come to dance with him, Nick was the one who'd taken him to a gay club in the first place, Nick was the one who kissed him back - "I wish I knew what he was thinking."
"Did you talk about it?" Kurt asked.
Jeff shook his head. "Not tonight. Nick said that he needs to think, that he'll meet me tomorrow. And then he kissed me goodnight. You know, no mixed signals or anything -"
Kurt smiled. "What was it like?"
"Not to be melodramatic or anything, but it completely rocked my world, kissing him," Jeff said with a wry grin.
"I know the feeling. I remember when Blaine and I kissed for the first time - he was so adorable, he had this speech prepared and everything. I just remember the world feeling like an entirely different place after I knew what his lips felt like."
They were quiet for a while longer, Kurt's hand stilled on Jeff's back. Jeff could tell that he was thinking about Blaine, missing him. "He changed your life." It wasn't a question.
Kurt nodded. "Yeah. He did." He paused. "Before I met him -"
"You were alright?" Jeff interrupted with a grin.
Kurt smacked his arm, but still intoned, "But things were kind of heavy - he brought me to life."
"Now every February, he'll be your Valentine?"
Kurt's eyes filled with tears. "God, I hope so." He paused. "Can I be completely honest with you, for just a minute?"
"Go for it."
Kurt stared at him, his eyes big and sad. "I don't think I know how to live without him. I honestly don't know if I'll be able to do it. Like - you will have to pack me up and send me home to my dad, and even he might have to end up institutionalizing me. I just - he's my life, you know?" His voice cracked and his face contorted as he tried to keep from crying. "But I'm sorry," he said, sniffling, breathing through it, "we were weren't talking about me."
"Kurt, no, it's fine," Jeff said, now rubbing Kurt's back. "I can't imagine -"
Kurt smiled through his tears. "But you can, I think, if you love Nick as much as you say you do."
Jeff nearly broke at that statement, pulling Kurt forward and squeezing him tight. "I don't want to think about losing him like that. If I - oh, god, Kurt - what did I do?"
"You took a chance," Kurt mumbled into his shirt. "I hope yours pans out better than mine did." He paused, then turned his head to the side, resting it on Jeff's shoulder. "You don't have to if this is weird, but can you just - stay for a while? Just like this? It's been so long since somebody's held me -"
"Kurt, of course I will," Jeff murmured, squeezing him a little tighter. "Hell, after tonight, I think we could both use some platonic cuddling. Do you want to get in the bed? Not like - I swear I'm not -"
"No, no, it's fine," Kurt said. "It's easier for me to sleep when somebody's there, anyway."
Jeff nodded and stood up, offering his hand to help Kurt up as well. "It's gonna be fine, you know," he said as he curled up in the spot where Blaine should have been. "He'll come back."
"I hope so," Kurt whispered. "But I'm really glad you're here now. Thank you, Jeff."
"Shhh, just sleep," Jeff breathed, tucking his arm around Kurt's abdomen and settling back on the pillow himself. He stared at the ceiling as Kurt's breathing grew slower and slower and tried to take his own advice.
* * *
Nick eased his door open slowly, his eyes trying to adjust to the dark apartment. He flicked on the kitchen light, trying to cast at least a little glow so he wouldn't trip over anything and kill himself, but keeping it dark enough that Blaine wouldn't be startled.
"Blaine?" he said softly, hovering over his friend's softly snoring form. "Blaine, come on, man, wake up."
"Huh?" He started awake, pushing himself into a half-sitting position. "What? What time is it? What's going on?"
"I'm sorry," Nick said, sinking down on the couch with him. "I know it's late - it's like two-thirty? I'm just - I'm kind of having an existential crisis, here, and I feel like I need some insight."
"A - you're having a what?"
Nick sighed, leaning his head back against the wall. "Jeff kissed me tonight at the club."
"He what?" Blaine said, shaking his head as if to clear the sleep away.
"He kissed me, I kissed him back, and now I'm having a crisis. Of existence. Or sexuality. Or - something, I don't even know." Nick sighed a huge sigh, and planted both palms over his face. "In other words, I'm kind of freaking the fuck out."
"Okay." Blaine wiped a hand over his face, and sat up all the way. "Okay, run this by me again. Jeff kissed you, and you kissed him back and now - what, you think you're gay or something?"
"I -" Nick paused. "I don't know that I've ever been entirely straight. Like - I'm mainly attracted to girls, but the idea of kissing guys doesn't turn me off. Obviously. I think some guys are attractive. I've had crushes on guys before - I always used to call them man-crushes -"
"Like Jeff?"
"No, Jeff's different. Jeff's - well - he's Jeff," Nick said, as if that would explain anything.
Blaine blinked at him. "So you're bi, then."
"I … guess? Or pansexual? Or - heteroflexible? Is that even a thing? I haven't got a clue."
"I … am confused," Blaine said, blinking some more.
"Join the party."
"You - like Jeff."
"I actually - I've been really confused about my feelings for him for a while now. Like, since before Caroline and I broke up."
"Really?" Blaine said, a completely befuddled expression on his face.
Nick laughed. "What exactly did you think those freak-outs about how much I shouldn't miss him were?"
Blaine stared at him, mouth agape. "I - am really dense about these things, aren't I?"
"You said it, not me." Nick shrugged. "Now, getting back to the topic at hand -"
"Right, right, sorry."
"So, like - how exactly do you determine your sexuality? Can it - can it change? I just - god, I'm 29 years old - shouldn't I have already had this crisis if I was going to have it?"
"Some people don't figure out their sexuality until later in life, Nick - and I don't think that that's what you need to worry about right now," Blaine said, tugging the blanket around his knees as he sat cross-legged on the couch. "What did you tell Jeff? I think he's your priority right now."
"That I need some time to think," Nick groaned. "God, did I fuck everything up before it ever went anywhere? I think he really likes me. I don't want to hurt him - you should've seen the way he was looking at me, Blaine, his whole freaking face just lit up - oh my god, he's never going to look at me again like that, is he?" The words tumbled out of his mouth as fast as he was thinking them.
Blaine placed a steady hand on Nick's arm. "I think you're getting ahead of yourself. Just - how do you feel about him? Let's start there."
Nick sighed. That was a tall order, explaining his relationship with Jeff - it was a complicated, convoluted thing based on love and respect and trust and a lot of history, glued together with a mutual love of art and music and microbreweries. "Jeff is -" he started, then stopped again. "He's Jeff. He's one of the kindest people I've ever known. He's quiet until you get to know him, and then he just opens up like he's blooming or something. He -"
"You're telling me about Jeff. Tell me how you feel about him," Blaine gently prodded.
Nick pondered this. "He's my best friend," he said slowly. "I have more respect for him than I have for anyone else in my life. I think he's really witty, and -" He stopped to think for a moment, memories flashing through his mind like a film reel. "He makes me a better person," he said, images of all the times that Jeff had dragged him to the nursing home in Westerville to sing with the residents there flashing before his eyes. "He's brilliant in ways that I can't even explain," he said, pride flaring in his chest as he remembered Jeff's first groundbreaking for the first project he piloted at his firm. "He's just - he's so easy to be around."
The film reel memories kept playing.
He and Jeff, sitting atop his kitchen counters in his apartment in Chicago, eating out of Chinese takeout boxes.
A faceful of sand, Jeff's laughter ringing in his ears, after he'd tackled him to the ground on their Spring Break beach trip their junior year in college.
Jeff holding him, his nose pressed into Nick's hair like he always did, after Nick had found Caroline in his bed with another man.
The neon lights of the club that night, Jeff's breath heavy on his neck, his fingers tangled in Jeff's shaggy, sweaty hair.
"He's my favorite person," Nick continued, resurfacing at the present. "If I were to get trapped on a desert island, he'd be my survival buddy. And," he said, flushing crimson, "he's a really fucking good kisser."
Blaine raised his eyebrows at him, a little smile on his face.
Nick tucked his knees up to his chin and thought. He thought about the crater in his heart that had been there since he'd moved away from Chicago, that was suddenly and wholly filled whenever Jeff came to visit. He thought about the ease in which they Skyped, almost like they were side-by-side even when they were miles away. He thought about Caroline, how he thought he loved her, but how she never ‘got’ him like Jeff did. How much they squabbled over little, stupid things, when he and Jeff had only ever had two fights in fifteen years. How her touch felt different than Jeff’s - blander, less meaningful. How cold she got when Jeff was around. It was just his protective, loyal nature making him feel this way, and yet he’d hung onto Jeff's every word for fifteen, since the day they met. How much prettier Jeff’s eyes were than Caroline’s, than any other girl’s he’d ever dated.
Maybe he’d only dated girls because it was easier, because he still liked them, even if he didn’t love them. Maybe he’d been in love with Jeff the entire time.
Nick's eyes widened. "Fuck, I'm in love with him, aren't I?"
"I don't know, Nick," Blaine grinned. "Clearly I am not the person to ask."
"Oh my god." Nick zoned out, feeling the tingles from where Jeff had kissed him all the way to his toes again. "Oh my god - I think I might be."
"Well - is that good? I mean, you said he was a good kisser, so obviously you've got some compatibility -"
"I've never had a kiss like that in my life," Nick said, shaking his head. "Not from Caroline. Not from any of my girlfriends. Not from any guy I ever kissed. I just - nothing could hold a candle to him."
"Well, Nick, let's see - he's your best friend, he makes you happier than anybody, you'd be stuck on a deserted island with him, and he kisses like that, I'd say you've found your perfect match," Blaine said, still smiling.
"This is just - it's kind of blowing my mind," Nick said, rubbing over his temples with his forefingers. "I don't know -"
"What don't you know, exactly?" Blaine asked. He almost sounded agitated. "Because let me tell you, speaking from experience - once you catch hold of a good thing, you don't let it go."
"Then why are you sleeping on my couch?" Nick asked, immediately regretting the words as soon as they left his mouth.
Blaine crossed his arms defensively. "You know why I'm sleeping on your couch, Nick. You also know that I haven't given up yet."
"I know, I know, I'm sorry - I didn't mean that," he said apologetically. "I'm just a little - overwhelmed?"
Blaine took a breath. "It's okay. I - overwhelmed is something I can appreciate."
"It's just kind of a big deal?" Nick said, twisting his hands together nervously. "Like, thinking you've been one way your whole life and figuring out that you might be another? And putting a lifelong friendship in jeopardy because of it?"
"Judging by Jeff's reaction, I doubt you're jeopardizing his feelings for you…"
Nick nodded. "Okay. You're right. Maybe I just need to sleep on it?"
"That's probably the best thing you could do. I'm here if you need me, man," Blaine said, laying back on the couch and pulling his blanket back up under his chin. "Sorry I got a little testy there."
"I can't say I really blame you," Nick said. "Night."
"Night," Blaine answered, and Nick trudged back to his bedroom for what he knew would be a very, very long several hours of tossing and turning.
Chapter 24