(no subject)
i haven't been dreaming
usually all my answers lye in dreams...but without dreams i am answer-less, if that makes sense
last night i stayed up watching when harry met sally
i curled up underneath my blanket and sobbed.
i fucking sobbed.
because i still love someone who cannot reciprocate those feelings
i love a man, whose in love with anything and everything but me
and i love a man, who knows me, figured me out, only to hurt me.
i got a text, an "i'm sorry"
i've lost energy and motivation.
i've been sober.
and everyone is tired of hearing the same story
i stare off into the distance, while i hear my neighbor talk about future plans
partying and what not
and i can't help but want to be in bed.
i can't help but be tired of this shit
i'm at the point of quitting again, because for the first time I haven't turned to drugs.
i sat up reading, listening to music and tristan breath.
then i just sat up, staring into nothing.
i just fucking sat there.
i didn't wake up until almost the afternoon.
i felt shitty.
i feel shitty.
i know i have tons to do to get this off my mind, but i just...i just want to dwell in it.
find some sort of solution.
something to fix it.
why can't it fix itself...
i feel alone in this situation, like nobody understands it.
everyone has their advice, but fuck it, i don't care
cause their not their when i need them
when it's night and i'm all alone in bed holding my pillow, when the knots in my stomach are too unbearable and the tears are stinging my eyes because i keep trying to hold them back
where the fuck are all the advisors
they say it's for the best, well i feel like shit
i listen to people, and i fucking hate it.
it's like my other half has been ripped from me.
what the fuck was i thinking.
if it's worth the fight then stay, that's what i tell everyone.
he's worth the fight in my eyes, so i stay.
don't fucking tell me i need to leave, or that it's going nowhere,
i'll be the one to make that decision.
i just wish....
i just wish things would be easy, and that i wasn't this depressed.
that i had the energy to complete normal day tasks.
i need to get away from this area for awhile...and just be alone.
i need to think without people trying to think for me, because i'm the only one who knows what's best for me.
i'll know when i've had enough.
i should know...
everyday is like a chore
a chore to wake up, and take that shower
a chore to go to work and smile big and fake to make those sales
yes, spend $35 on this hardcover, yes i loved that book, when really i could fucking care less.
i'm just exhausted with people in general.
if there was ever a time i needed a vacation, it would be now.
usually all my answers lye in dreams...but without dreams i am answer-less, if that makes sense
last night i stayed up watching when harry met sally
i curled up underneath my blanket and sobbed.
i fucking sobbed.
because i still love someone who cannot reciprocate those feelings
i love a man, whose in love with anything and everything but me
and i love a man, who knows me, figured me out, only to hurt me.
i got a text, an "i'm sorry"
i've lost energy and motivation.
i've been sober.
and everyone is tired of hearing the same story
i stare off into the distance, while i hear my neighbor talk about future plans
partying and what not
and i can't help but want to be in bed.
i can't help but be tired of this shit
i'm at the point of quitting again, because for the first time I haven't turned to drugs.
i sat up reading, listening to music and tristan breath.
then i just sat up, staring into nothing.
i just fucking sat there.
i didn't wake up until almost the afternoon.
i felt shitty.
i feel shitty.
i know i have tons to do to get this off my mind, but i just...i just want to dwell in it.
find some sort of solution.
something to fix it.
why can't it fix itself...
i feel alone in this situation, like nobody understands it.
everyone has their advice, but fuck it, i don't care
cause their not their when i need them
when it's night and i'm all alone in bed holding my pillow, when the knots in my stomach are too unbearable and the tears are stinging my eyes because i keep trying to hold them back
where the fuck are all the advisors
they say it's for the best, well i feel like shit
i listen to people, and i fucking hate it.
it's like my other half has been ripped from me.
what the fuck was i thinking.
if it's worth the fight then stay, that's what i tell everyone.
he's worth the fight in my eyes, so i stay.
don't fucking tell me i need to leave, or that it's going nowhere,
i'll be the one to make that decision.
i just wish....
i just wish things would be easy, and that i wasn't this depressed.
that i had the energy to complete normal day tasks.
i need to get away from this area for awhile...and just be alone.
i need to think without people trying to think for me, because i'm the only one who knows what's best for me.
i'll know when i've had enough.
i should know...
everyday is like a chore
a chore to wake up, and take that shower
a chore to go to work and smile big and fake to make those sales
yes, spend $35 on this hardcover, yes i loved that book, when really i could fucking care less.
i'm just exhausted with people in general.
if there was ever a time i needed a vacation, it would be now.