By Any Other Name - 9
To start off the week right, I offer you vignettes. They've been siting in my computer for weeks.
Rated M (or Y) for safety as usual. Sexual innuendos and activity implied.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.
Ichigo always has a cache of dirty comebacks on the tip of his tongue. Quite a bit of lines were taken from chapters 201-202. Spoilers up to 287-288-291.
25. Innuendos
Ichigo was flat on his back, trying to breathe properly. He was coughing up blood. The remnants of healing mucus crusted his exposed limbs. He was trying his best not to expire here in the bowels of hell. He needed something to get his mind off the current crisis. Rukia.
Rukia always made him smile inside. She was one of the pillars of his strength.
She also transformed him into a man-whore for words.
Ichigo relaxed for a moment and thought back, letting inconsequential, mad thoughts fuel his spirit. It wasn’t the most intelligent thing to do, but he damn well needed a distraction from the physical pain.
So he concentrated on Rukia, the strange things that have been said in their mutual presence, and all the witty, lewd comebacks he wish he retorted.
He could have sworn he didn’t have a dirty mind before he met Rukia. He would smack Keigo around if he suggested anything dishonorable about the girls, and he did not tolerate his father initiating weird roughhousing with his sisters.
So when did everything become a double entendre?
His ears wanted to bleed: everything being said tinged with the filthy. Ichigo got used to his neck perennially flushed with embarrassment. It became a natural state of being. Some days he was grateful that he had to kill so many Hollows. It drained his testosterone level and prevented him to walking around Karakura with a semi-erection all the time.
When did he get so turned on by words?
Don’t look at me like that… so I like bunnies.
That didn’t help. Ichigo had a sudden mental image of Rukia in a Playboy Bunny outfit. He disciplined his features into a blank stare so she wouldn’t guess what was on his mind.
(It didn’t quite work. She bonked him on the head.)
Now, every time she whipped out Chappy he had to wipe the smirk off his face. It didn’t help matters that Pyon was so… bouncy.
When Pyon bounced, her small but well-formed breasts - Rukia’s breasts really - bounced in ways no one thought possible.
(Ichigo would do anything to have those breasts bounce against his face instead of his back.)
I thought today’s youth were supposed to be oversexed. A kiss is like a handshake.
Even worse. It wasn’t even an innuendo; it was direct to the point. Ichigo bit his tongue in reply: if it’s all so casual to you, why haven’t you kissed me? We should be making out all the time.
Where did you get that ridiculously oversized zanpakutou?
Thanks, Renji. It boosts my self-confidence knowing that mine is bigger than yours. Not that I ever want to look at yours.
(It might have a freaking baboon head. Besides, the honor of seeing Renji’s zanpakutou was accorded to Byakuya alone.)
You were gone so long, Ichigo! I was lonely playing all by myself!
Stay away from me, Keigo. I know exactly what kind of playing you do all by yourself. I hope you wash your hands regularly. I know I do.
(Ichigo kicked him in the face to prevent Keigo’s hands from touching him. There were limits to friendship.)
Shut up, don’t talk and keep moving!
Great, I bet she says that to all her lovers in bed.
(Rukia has the tone of an insatiable harridan.)
Ichigo remembered feeling ill to his stomach. As they flew about town with Rukia on his back, he scolded his thoughts: she’s not taking you to the nearest sex hotel, you horny pervert. It’s got to be a Hollow.
(It’s always a Hollow. Rukia has Hollows on her brain.)
It’s a Hollow.
Rukia, I haven’t seen you in months. That weak freak can wait. Right now, I am only interested in the Hollow between your thighs that I want to pierce and Moon Fang with my big-ass zapankutou.
(Zangetsu will not be amused the next time he talks to Ichigo.)
That’s the kind of man you have been in my heart, Ichigo!
If you keep me in your heart, can I get into your pants?
Oh come on, it’s like you have a stick up your ass.
My dear, there’s nothing else I’d allow up my ass except your little finger.
You should know by now that there’s only one place I can get a good night’s sleep.
I assure you, you won't be doing any sleeping if you spend another minute on my bed.
Stand aside. You can’t fight him when you’re this tense.
Rukia, I read a scientific study that proves sex is a great stress buster. Shall we leave this low-level Arrancar scum to find Yumichika and…?
Seems like you’re getting a big head, after all.
You don’t know how big my head can get.
If you weren’t so stubborn, I wouldn’t use force… Pyon!
Damn it, if you were really Rukia I’d let you use all the force you wanted. You can mangle all my bones as long as you let me come inside you.
What are you doing, entangled like that?
Be grateful it’s your gigai on top of me and not the other way around. After seeing your sexy shikai and I just want to jump you, here on the pavement.
Of course I’m fine, I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t.
I so want to roll in the gutter with you now. Take off your shihakusho.
(Too bad Grimmjow had to show up and stab Rukia. Talk about spoiling the opportunity of the moment.)
Aren’t we your nakama, Ichigo?
Renji’s my nakama. Rukia, you are something more infinitely dear, especially when I think of you dressed in that skimpy white robe, wearing a red dog collar.
So it did make you understand after all… Good. I don’t ever want to say that kind of thing again!
One day, Rukia… you will say you love me. One day you will tell me you want me. When we make love for the first time, your naked, writhing body will be undulating under me. The day after, you will spill the beans and tell all your Shinigami girlfriends stuff like…
His body’s so thin, but his brute strength is incredible!
Er, wait. Those words were already said, but not by my Rukia.
Ichigo’s eyes flickered open. He remembered in time where he was and who spoke those words, and why he was on his back on the cold floor.
The young man wanted to vomit. He just remembered. It was some stupid Espada with a lecherous leer on his face. It was the one who interrupted his fight with Grimmjow. What’s-his-name. Nori? Noitora?
He wanted to kill the guy for looking at him that way.
Ichigo groaned and tried to get up. He was still bleeding. He just wanted to save his friends and go home.
His ass wasn’t safe here in Hueco Mundo.
This topic has been tackled by others before, but here’s yet another take on why Rukia wants to see Ichigo’s Hollow form, for reasons best kept to herself.
26. Voids and Facades
Rukia was waiting for the day she could see his Hollow self.
She knew about it before she even went back to the world of the living. As both she and Byakuya recuperated from the aftermath of her failed execution, one night he had called her to his bedside.
She thought for a moment Byakuya was going to tell her more about her mysterious sister. But the look on his face said otherwise.
It was then, hesitantly, perhaps fearful of even the attempt at intimacy, her brother told her what had happened during his death match with Ichigo. Byakuya did not apologize for trying to kill him, and Rukia understood. That issue was buried between them; he had already redeemed his past actions tenfold.
No. Byakuya wanted to talk about something different.
“Something had taken over, something that drove relentlessly, that had more skill than his human self. That thing was the one that almost killed me.” Byakuya then added the four shattering words: “It wore a mask.”
Her eyes met her brother’s perceptive gaze and she faltered.
Rukia did not know why Byakuya felt the urgency to tell her. Perhaps it was his way of warning her that this young man was not what he appeared to be. Byakuya could not predict that his cautionary measure would be the very thing that would drive Rukia back into Ichigo’s life.
She had to save him from himself. She knew she must. She had to do it immediately.
Ichigo had pushed his soul to regain Shinigami powers in order to save her - but by doing so, had unleashed the own evil lurking in the depths of his being. She could not let him be consumed by it. She had to help him gain mastery or lose him forever.
She could not lose the only person who helped shape her into the soul she was now - a Shinigami with an inkling of human compassion and understanding.
To lose him would create a void deeper than hell in her heart. It would be a gaping cavity that nothing would ever fill.
She knew he was ashamed that he had to turn to the Vaizards for additional training. Ichigo was too dense to understand that he had done exactly what she wanted - to find a way to quell his inner demon, and to harness its power for greater good. Rukia knew she would have to wait until he was ready to reveal everything to her. She didn’t mind. She knew he must be rankled with self-doubt and the fear of rejection.
Ichigo was already raw inside, stripped of so many emotional defenses and burdened with so many responsibilities, she knew he needed a little breathing space to wholly accept the changes happening to him.
Ichigo was so young, after all. He didn’t know that there was nothing about him she could ever reject.
The moment Ichigo would show her his Hollow self, and how he could control it, would be a day of triumph and pride for her. She will never fear the unknown in him. She will not flinch from the blackened eyes or the strange mask. Rukia knew behind the façade of a fiend, Ichigo would still be there.
Some day, he will realize that she had a secret Hollow of her own, and her mask was made from her own cold demeanor. Only his zapankutou could seek her Hollow and cleanse it, and satisfy its base desires.
Chad doesn't say much but he sees everything. He really wishes he didn't.
27. Excerpts from Chad’s Secret Diary
January 24. Blue hooded shirt. People assume that because I’m quiet I’m also friggin’ blind. Case in point: Kurosaki Ichigo. One of my best friends since the day I met him and yet he still thinks I don’t have a clue. Ever since we got back from Hueco Mundo, Ichigo’s been giving Rukia these lust-filled stares. Worse, Rukia’s been staring right back. It’s a showdown of the worst kind.
Nobody else seems to notice so I’m the only one suffering. Ishida’s been oblivious since he started to bond with his pop with all that Last of the Quincy goop. Even Orihime doesn’t seem so interested in Ichigo anymore; she’s too busy tending to the all wounded innocent bystanders of Karakura who are too scared to drop by Isshin’s clinic now, for reasons Tatsuki, Mizuiro, and Keigo have yet to fully explain.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so observant.
I know getting snatched from the jaws of death can drive people’s glands to go haywire, with the sudden urge to procreate, but Rukia and Ichigo? Spare me the excuses! They’re already death gods. They should be exempt from such base biological needs.
1st weekend of February. Red floral shirt. Do Shinigamis go through a mating season, like wild animals? It’s something I should have asked Shunsui-sama when I had the chance. I want to know because Rukia’s been acting strange. I mean, I guess it’s normal for Ichigo’s hormones to be in overdrive, he’s sixteen and there’s still a woman living in his household who spends half her time in his bedroom, and she is someone he obviously worships and adores. But for Rukia… damn. She doesn’t have much of an excuse. I’ve know that girls get more interested in sex much later than guys, but Rukia’s a little over the hill, right? Or maybe Shinigamis don’t have a sexual peak until they meet the right person - like elves in Middle-earth or the Vulcan seven-year itch.
Still, why would a grown woman have anything to do with Ichigo? How they are carrying on, pretending to hate each other when it’s actually a major case of flirtation. It’s disturbing. It’s illicit. It’s illegal. It’s... the plot of a telenovela Abuelo used to watch on TV every weeknight at 8pm.
Wednesday. White Hawaiian shirt. On the way to band practice tonight, I caught them smooching again in an alley after giving some poor soul a burial. I tried to ignore them in the corner of my eye as I passed by but the sight was just too unsettling. How can two sane people make out while surrounded by stench, drainpipes and rat droppings is beyond my understanding.
I guess the assumption there is that Ichigo and Rukia are both sane. Otherwise, it all makes perfect sense.
February 28. Striped gray shirt with purple jacket. Five minutes before the bell rang for afternoon classes, Rukia was still sitting on Ichigo’s desk, teasing him about something. I saw his hand rest briefly on her thigh and inched up her skirt before she swatted it away and punched him in the face.
They are getting disgusting. It’s not healthy. They need to admit they have a problem.
March 9. Black sleeveless shirt. The substitute coach had me and some other guys haul off all the winter sports equipment from the gym to the storage area behind the school this afternoon. I told Keigo and the others I would finish up, so I was the only one in for a surprise. I didn’t know anyone was there, honest, so when I turned on the light I didn’t really expect to see Rukia against the wall, with Ichigo’s head buried in her chest. They were partly hidden between the shelves of spare tennis balls and the kendo club stuff.
I knew it could only be them. Ichigo really should dye his hair black if he wants to do things like this and not get identified.
They both froze and stopped breathing.
I dumped everything right away near the door, pretending I was oblivious to the awkward situation. In less than ten seconds I was out of there. I wasn’t about to hang around to see if Rukia was fully naked or if Ichigo was livid about being interrupted.
I really don’t want Ichigo loping my head off with Zangetsu. He’s one of my best friends. I can land a punch to defend myself but I don’t think I can block his bankai yet even with both arms.
Ichigo and Rukia just don’t need to admit they have a problem: they need to get a hotel room.
Preferably somewhere far away from where I can see or hear them. Hell, somewhere so far away I don’t have to deal with their horny reiatsus.
March 15. Monday. Just my uniform, I didn’t go out after school. Too much homework. I think Ichigo and Rukia finally had sex over the weekend. They were both abnormally quiet in class today. Rukia kept fiddling with her collar, trying to shift it around so teeth marks on both sides of her nape weren’t obvious. Needless to say she was unsuccessful. Ichigo was wearing his loosest pair of cargo pants and he was moving like a slow man in pain. The Principal happened to see him and scolded him for trying to get away with altering the school uniform to extremes.
I know they weren’t injured chasing Hollows all weekend because I took care of three or four of them personally. Ishida also casually mentioned he scored a half-dozen from the balcony of his house. Orihime got one on her way to the mall. I also saw the two little kids from the Urahara Store tackle a couple of Hollows on their own.
If Rukia and Ichigo were into heavy physical activity for the past two days, I’m damned sure it wasn’t on orders from Soul Society.
March 21. Laundry day - so I’m wearing the stupid Quincy cross shirt under my brown hooded jacket. The gig ended late. We got paid well for once aside from a couple of free beers on the house. I’m glad I finished my homework right after class. As I hurried home I saw that cute little walking lion plushie again. He was muttering to himself angrily about being thrown out the window and being the victim of his housemates’ midnight proclivities. He kept moaning, “Oh, they are so noisy, they keep moaning, and they don’t let me watch. Why can’t I watch?”
The plushie was so intent with feeling sorry for himself he didn’t see me until I was one step behind him. He ran but I gave chase. Despite my guitar strapped on my back, I managed to catch him this time! He seemed terrified of my size. I tried to comfort him and give him some food but he just stopped talking. I know he’s playing dead so I won’t be interested in him. But I’m not so easy to fool. He still blinks and when he thinks I’m not looking, he scratches his butt.
I’m really so happy I found him again I almost cried. I put a leash on my new cute pet. I don’t think this one’s a real soul, so it won’t end up like that fiasco with the talking parrot.
Before falling asleep, I gave thanks to my Abuelo for sending me my new companion. My apartment is lonely without anyone else around. I know this is not the same as Ichigo having Rukia around all the time, but that’s fine with me. I can do without a complicated relationship right now. Hell, I don’t want to be a father before I’m twenty. Pets are enough for me.
I think I will name my new pet Kai.
Note: Let's pretend that the Bount anime arc didn't happen so Chad was not formally introduced to Kon :) There's a frame in Volume 8, Chapter 70 labeled "Dream Reunion" that show them together (this is when Kon chases after Ichigo to help save Rukia.) I'd like to think, however, that Chad never got to ask who Ichigo who the cute plushie is since they were in a rush to get to Soul Society. If he did, I think Ichigo would GLADLY give Kon away! Chad + Kon = One True Pairing! Yey. -- edited 12:53pm 10/8/07
Rated M (or Y) for safety as usual. Sexual innuendos and activity implied.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.
Ichigo always has a cache of dirty comebacks on the tip of his tongue. Quite a bit of lines were taken from chapters 201-202. Spoilers up to 287-288-291.
25. Innuendos
Ichigo was flat on his back, trying to breathe properly. He was coughing up blood. The remnants of healing mucus crusted his exposed limbs. He was trying his best not to expire here in the bowels of hell. He needed something to get his mind off the current crisis. Rukia.
Rukia always made him smile inside. She was one of the pillars of his strength.
She also transformed him into a man-whore for words.
Ichigo relaxed for a moment and thought back, letting inconsequential, mad thoughts fuel his spirit. It wasn’t the most intelligent thing to do, but he damn well needed a distraction from the physical pain.
So he concentrated on Rukia, the strange things that have been said in their mutual presence, and all the witty, lewd comebacks he wish he retorted.
He could have sworn he didn’t have a dirty mind before he met Rukia. He would smack Keigo around if he suggested anything dishonorable about the girls, and he did not tolerate his father initiating weird roughhousing with his sisters.
So when did everything become a double entendre?
His ears wanted to bleed: everything being said tinged with the filthy. Ichigo got used to his neck perennially flushed with embarrassment. It became a natural state of being. Some days he was grateful that he had to kill so many Hollows. It drained his testosterone level and prevented him to walking around Karakura with a semi-erection all the time.
When did he get so turned on by words?
Don’t look at me like that… so I like bunnies.
That didn’t help. Ichigo had a sudden mental image of Rukia in a Playboy Bunny outfit. He disciplined his features into a blank stare so she wouldn’t guess what was on his mind.
(It didn’t quite work. She bonked him on the head.)
Now, every time she whipped out Chappy he had to wipe the smirk off his face. It didn’t help matters that Pyon was so… bouncy.
When Pyon bounced, her small but well-formed breasts - Rukia’s breasts really - bounced in ways no one thought possible.
(Ichigo would do anything to have those breasts bounce against his face instead of his back.)
I thought today’s youth were supposed to be oversexed. A kiss is like a handshake.
Even worse. It wasn’t even an innuendo; it was direct to the point. Ichigo bit his tongue in reply: if it’s all so casual to you, why haven’t you kissed me? We should be making out all the time.
Where did you get that ridiculously oversized zanpakutou?
Thanks, Renji. It boosts my self-confidence knowing that mine is bigger than yours. Not that I ever want to look at yours.
(It might have a freaking baboon head. Besides, the honor of seeing Renji’s zanpakutou was accorded to Byakuya alone.)
You were gone so long, Ichigo! I was lonely playing all by myself!
Stay away from me, Keigo. I know exactly what kind of playing you do all by yourself. I hope you wash your hands regularly. I know I do.
(Ichigo kicked him in the face to prevent Keigo’s hands from touching him. There were limits to friendship.)
Shut up, don’t talk and keep moving!
Great, I bet she says that to all her lovers in bed.
(Rukia has the tone of an insatiable harridan.)
Ichigo remembered feeling ill to his stomach. As they flew about town with Rukia on his back, he scolded his thoughts: she’s not taking you to the nearest sex hotel, you horny pervert. It’s got to be a Hollow.
(It’s always a Hollow. Rukia has Hollows on her brain.)
It’s a Hollow.
Rukia, I haven’t seen you in months. That weak freak can wait. Right now, I am only interested in the Hollow between your thighs that I want to pierce and Moon Fang with my big-ass zapankutou.
(Zangetsu will not be amused the next time he talks to Ichigo.)
That’s the kind of man you have been in my heart, Ichigo!
If you keep me in your heart, can I get into your pants?
Oh come on, it’s like you have a stick up your ass.
My dear, there’s nothing else I’d allow up my ass except your little finger.
You should know by now that there’s only one place I can get a good night’s sleep.
I assure you, you won't be doing any sleeping if you spend another minute on my bed.
Stand aside. You can’t fight him when you’re this tense.
Rukia, I read a scientific study that proves sex is a great stress buster. Shall we leave this low-level Arrancar scum to find Yumichika and…?
Seems like you’re getting a big head, after all.
You don’t know how big my head can get.
If you weren’t so stubborn, I wouldn’t use force… Pyon!
Damn it, if you were really Rukia I’d let you use all the force you wanted. You can mangle all my bones as long as you let me come inside you.
What are you doing, entangled like that?
Be grateful it’s your gigai on top of me and not the other way around. After seeing your sexy shikai and I just want to jump you, here on the pavement.
Of course I’m fine, I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t.
I so want to roll in the gutter with you now. Take off your shihakusho.
(Too bad Grimmjow had to show up and stab Rukia. Talk about spoiling the opportunity of the moment.)
Aren’t we your nakama, Ichigo?
Renji’s my nakama. Rukia, you are something more infinitely dear, especially when I think of you dressed in that skimpy white robe, wearing a red dog collar.
So it did make you understand after all… Good. I don’t ever want to say that kind of thing again!
One day, Rukia… you will say you love me. One day you will tell me you want me. When we make love for the first time, your naked, writhing body will be undulating under me. The day after, you will spill the beans and tell all your Shinigami girlfriends stuff like…
His body’s so thin, but his brute strength is incredible!
Er, wait. Those words were already said, but not by my Rukia.
Ichigo’s eyes flickered open. He remembered in time where he was and who spoke those words, and why he was on his back on the cold floor.
The young man wanted to vomit. He just remembered. It was some stupid Espada with a lecherous leer on his face. It was the one who interrupted his fight with Grimmjow. What’s-his-name. Nori? Noitora?
He wanted to kill the guy for looking at him that way.
Ichigo groaned and tried to get up. He was still bleeding. He just wanted to save his friends and go home.
His ass wasn’t safe here in Hueco Mundo.
This topic has been tackled by others before, but here’s yet another take on why Rukia wants to see Ichigo’s Hollow form, for reasons best kept to herself.
26. Voids and Facades
Rukia was waiting for the day she could see his Hollow self.
She knew about it before she even went back to the world of the living. As both she and Byakuya recuperated from the aftermath of her failed execution, one night he had called her to his bedside.
She thought for a moment Byakuya was going to tell her more about her mysterious sister. But the look on his face said otherwise.
It was then, hesitantly, perhaps fearful of even the attempt at intimacy, her brother told her what had happened during his death match with Ichigo. Byakuya did not apologize for trying to kill him, and Rukia understood. That issue was buried between them; he had already redeemed his past actions tenfold.
No. Byakuya wanted to talk about something different.
“Something had taken over, something that drove relentlessly, that had more skill than his human self. That thing was the one that almost killed me.” Byakuya then added the four shattering words: “It wore a mask.”
Her eyes met her brother’s perceptive gaze and she faltered.
Rukia did not know why Byakuya felt the urgency to tell her. Perhaps it was his way of warning her that this young man was not what he appeared to be. Byakuya could not predict that his cautionary measure would be the very thing that would drive Rukia back into Ichigo’s life.
She had to save him from himself. She knew she must. She had to do it immediately.
Ichigo had pushed his soul to regain Shinigami powers in order to save her - but by doing so, had unleashed the own evil lurking in the depths of his being. She could not let him be consumed by it. She had to help him gain mastery or lose him forever.
She could not lose the only person who helped shape her into the soul she was now - a Shinigami with an inkling of human compassion and understanding.
To lose him would create a void deeper than hell in her heart. It would be a gaping cavity that nothing would ever fill.
She knew he was ashamed that he had to turn to the Vaizards for additional training. Ichigo was too dense to understand that he had done exactly what she wanted - to find a way to quell his inner demon, and to harness its power for greater good. Rukia knew she would have to wait until he was ready to reveal everything to her. She didn’t mind. She knew he must be rankled with self-doubt and the fear of rejection.
Ichigo was already raw inside, stripped of so many emotional defenses and burdened with so many responsibilities, she knew he needed a little breathing space to wholly accept the changes happening to him.
Ichigo was so young, after all. He didn’t know that there was nothing about him she could ever reject.
The moment Ichigo would show her his Hollow self, and how he could control it, would be a day of triumph and pride for her. She will never fear the unknown in him. She will not flinch from the blackened eyes or the strange mask. Rukia knew behind the façade of a fiend, Ichigo would still be there.
Some day, he will realize that she had a secret Hollow of her own, and her mask was made from her own cold demeanor. Only his zapankutou could seek her Hollow and cleanse it, and satisfy its base desires.
Chad doesn't say much but he sees everything. He really wishes he didn't.
27. Excerpts from Chad’s Secret Diary
January 24. Blue hooded shirt. People assume that because I’m quiet I’m also friggin’ blind. Case in point: Kurosaki Ichigo. One of my best friends since the day I met him and yet he still thinks I don’t have a clue. Ever since we got back from Hueco Mundo, Ichigo’s been giving Rukia these lust-filled stares. Worse, Rukia’s been staring right back. It’s a showdown of the worst kind.
Nobody else seems to notice so I’m the only one suffering. Ishida’s been oblivious since he started to bond with his pop with all that Last of the Quincy goop. Even Orihime doesn’t seem so interested in Ichigo anymore; she’s too busy tending to the all wounded innocent bystanders of Karakura who are too scared to drop by Isshin’s clinic now, for reasons Tatsuki, Mizuiro, and Keigo have yet to fully explain.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so observant.
I know getting snatched from the jaws of death can drive people’s glands to go haywire, with the sudden urge to procreate, but Rukia and Ichigo? Spare me the excuses! They’re already death gods. They should be exempt from such base biological needs.
1st weekend of February. Red floral shirt. Do Shinigamis go through a mating season, like wild animals? It’s something I should have asked Shunsui-sama when I had the chance. I want to know because Rukia’s been acting strange. I mean, I guess it’s normal for Ichigo’s hormones to be in overdrive, he’s sixteen and there’s still a woman living in his household who spends half her time in his bedroom, and she is someone he obviously worships and adores. But for Rukia… damn. She doesn’t have much of an excuse. I’ve know that girls get more interested in sex much later than guys, but Rukia’s a little over the hill, right? Or maybe Shinigamis don’t have a sexual peak until they meet the right person - like elves in Middle-earth or the Vulcan seven-year itch.
Still, why would a grown woman have anything to do with Ichigo? How they are carrying on, pretending to hate each other when it’s actually a major case of flirtation. It’s disturbing. It’s illicit. It’s illegal. It’s... the plot of a telenovela Abuelo used to watch on TV every weeknight at 8pm.
Wednesday. White Hawaiian shirt. On the way to band practice tonight, I caught them smooching again in an alley after giving some poor soul a burial. I tried to ignore them in the corner of my eye as I passed by but the sight was just too unsettling. How can two sane people make out while surrounded by stench, drainpipes and rat droppings is beyond my understanding.
I guess the assumption there is that Ichigo and Rukia are both sane. Otherwise, it all makes perfect sense.
February 28. Striped gray shirt with purple jacket. Five minutes before the bell rang for afternoon classes, Rukia was still sitting on Ichigo’s desk, teasing him about something. I saw his hand rest briefly on her thigh and inched up her skirt before she swatted it away and punched him in the face.
They are getting disgusting. It’s not healthy. They need to admit they have a problem.
March 9. Black sleeveless shirt. The substitute coach had me and some other guys haul off all the winter sports equipment from the gym to the storage area behind the school this afternoon. I told Keigo and the others I would finish up, so I was the only one in for a surprise. I didn’t know anyone was there, honest, so when I turned on the light I didn’t really expect to see Rukia against the wall, with Ichigo’s head buried in her chest. They were partly hidden between the shelves of spare tennis balls and the kendo club stuff.
I knew it could only be them. Ichigo really should dye his hair black if he wants to do things like this and not get identified.
They both froze and stopped breathing.
I dumped everything right away near the door, pretending I was oblivious to the awkward situation. In less than ten seconds I was out of there. I wasn’t about to hang around to see if Rukia was fully naked or if Ichigo was livid about being interrupted.
I really don’t want Ichigo loping my head off with Zangetsu. He’s one of my best friends. I can land a punch to defend myself but I don’t think I can block his bankai yet even with both arms.
Ichigo and Rukia just don’t need to admit they have a problem: they need to get a hotel room.
Preferably somewhere far away from where I can see or hear them. Hell, somewhere so far away I don’t have to deal with their horny reiatsus.
March 15. Monday. Just my uniform, I didn’t go out after school. Too much homework. I think Ichigo and Rukia finally had sex over the weekend. They were both abnormally quiet in class today. Rukia kept fiddling with her collar, trying to shift it around so teeth marks on both sides of her nape weren’t obvious. Needless to say she was unsuccessful. Ichigo was wearing his loosest pair of cargo pants and he was moving like a slow man in pain. The Principal happened to see him and scolded him for trying to get away with altering the school uniform to extremes.
I know they weren’t injured chasing Hollows all weekend because I took care of three or four of them personally. Ishida also casually mentioned he scored a half-dozen from the balcony of his house. Orihime got one on her way to the mall. I also saw the two little kids from the Urahara Store tackle a couple of Hollows on their own.
If Rukia and Ichigo were into heavy physical activity for the past two days, I’m damned sure it wasn’t on orders from Soul Society.
March 21. Laundry day - so I’m wearing the stupid Quincy cross shirt under my brown hooded jacket. The gig ended late. We got paid well for once aside from a couple of free beers on the house. I’m glad I finished my homework right after class. As I hurried home I saw that cute little walking lion plushie again. He was muttering to himself angrily about being thrown out the window and being the victim of his housemates’ midnight proclivities. He kept moaning, “Oh, they are so noisy, they keep moaning, and they don’t let me watch. Why can’t I watch?”
The plushie was so intent with feeling sorry for himself he didn’t see me until I was one step behind him. He ran but I gave chase. Despite my guitar strapped on my back, I managed to catch him this time! He seemed terrified of my size. I tried to comfort him and give him some food but he just stopped talking. I know he’s playing dead so I won’t be interested in him. But I’m not so easy to fool. He still blinks and when he thinks I’m not looking, he scratches his butt.
I’m really so happy I found him again I almost cried. I put a leash on my new cute pet. I don’t think this one’s a real soul, so it won’t end up like that fiasco with the talking parrot.
Before falling asleep, I gave thanks to my Abuelo for sending me my new companion. My apartment is lonely without anyone else around. I know this is not the same as Ichigo having Rukia around all the time, but that’s fine with me. I can do without a complicated relationship right now. Hell, I don’t want to be a father before I’m twenty. Pets are enough for me.
I think I will name my new pet Kai.
Note: Let's pretend that the Bount anime arc didn't happen so Chad was not formally introduced to Kon :) There's a frame in Volume 8, Chapter 70 labeled "Dream Reunion" that show them together (this is when Kon chases after Ichigo to help save Rukia.) I'd like to think, however, that Chad never got to ask who Ichigo who the cute plushie is since they were in a rush to get to Soul Society. If he did, I think Ichigo would GLADLY give Kon away! Chad + Kon = One True Pairing! Yey. -- edited 12:53pm 10/8/07