I realised a little while ago that while occasionally I mention my Asperger's and Bipolar Disorder, I never really talk about it openly. And I began to think that that's really very remiss of me, because I think these things should be talked about. There's still a bit of a stigma surrounding mental health issues (although I have noted a bit of an upswing in inclusion in contemporary fiction, which I approve of greatly), and the only way to get rid of that is to talk about it, discuss it. So, seeing as I'm currently in an upswing and am trying desperately to procrastinate instead of writing my DTH fic, under the cut is a long winded and rambly post about my own personal experiences with these two mental health issues.
*There are mentions of attempted suicide and suicidal behaviour, so please don't read if that makes you uncomfortable in any way.
When I was 3 years old, my mother took me to the doctor, concerned about my behaviour. She thought I was deaf (which is ironic, considering that 2 of my girls are partially deaf, as is my husband), because no matter what she did, whether she shouted my name, clapped her hands, hell, once she even banged saucepans together behind me, I didn't react. I didn't look up, didn't turn towards the sound, didn't even jump at the loud noises. So the doctor did some tests, and asked my mum to stand behind me and yell really loudly. She did, and I blinked. The doctor told my mother that it was likely I was Autistic, and that I didn't answer because I didn't know how to, and instead of reacting outwardly to stimulae, I retreated inward.
However, by the time I got to school, it became apparent that I wasn't Autistic, because although I didn't like to, I could speak when asked. I could make eye contact, even though I hated it, and I picked up on what I was being taught easily and without trouble. Now, in those days, they didn't really differentiate between Autistic people and people on the Autism Spectrum, so I was instead classed as a “problem child”, until I was 11 years old, when Asperger's became a standardised diagnosis.
Unlike my Bipolar Disorder, my Asperger's doesn't really mean anything to me. It's shaped how I look at things since I was born, so I don't know any different. There are down sides to it, of course, such as my sometimes extreme inability to communicate in a social setting. I love being able to communicate with people online, because I know I sound to others like I do to myself, rather than the stammering, hyperventilating, thing I become when face to face with others in real life. The real world confuses me a lot of the time; other people's reactions to things especially are sometimes utterly perplexing. I spend a lot of time in my head, in stories that I've read, stories that I make up. The things I assimilate during the day come back in a confusing mess that my brain can't make sense of at night, so I suffer from night terrors as a result.
But overall, I'm actually happy with the way I think, even if it is different to most other people. I'm a fantastic problem solver; my analytical and logical approach to things makes it easy for me to break things down and work out what needs to be done. I'm not easily upset; it's easy for me to separate my feelings from what's happening around me - a lot of the time, my emotions are like a separate entity that I can study and think about. And most importantly, my Asperger's-y brain has actually helped me deal with my Bipolar Disorder, and helped turn it into an actual manageable thing.
My Bipolar tendencies started to emerge when I was 13, right around when puberty hit, as though I didn't already have enough to deal with. I'm an upswinger - I have more manic episodes than I do depressive ones, and they last a lot longer too. To get the bad stuff out of the way first, I have attempted suicide twice, both times with an overdose of painkillers. The first time, I was 14, and hadn't yet been diagnosed. And to be honest, it was less of an attempt to take my own life than it was an effort to find some peace and quiet. I already had trouble fitting in socially, thanks to my Asperger's (plus the fact that I was the only non-white person growing up in a completely white little English village), and 14 was when everything started to happen. Boys started asking my bra size in the hallways at school, my small circle of friends started dating and talking about boys and sex, asking me who I had a crush on - and I somehow knew that I shouldn't mention the fact that the person I most wanted to kiss was the red-headed girl in my Spanish class - and it all became too much. There was too much noise in my head, too many questions that I didn't know how to answer, and I just wanted it all to stop, just for a little while. The second time, it was an actual attempt, and it was what brought about my final diagnosis, and 3 years of medication. I was 15, and my Grandad had just died. I loved him more than anyone else in my life, and at the time, I just didn't want to live in a world where he no longer existed.
There are other things that have happened when I've been in a down swing. I once went completely mute for 8 months, after suffering my first miscarriage. I didn't know how to express my feelings, and so I just... didn't. And once I stopped talking, it got even harder to start again. That time was particularly hard, because my eldest daughter was 8 and my now middle daughter was 3, and for over half a year they had a mum who would only communicate to them through stroking their hair, or kissing their foreheads. Funnily enough, it was suffering a second miscarriage that brought my speech back again, because I got so angry and upset that I ended up screaming in the hospital and it was like the dam broke, and suddenly I was back.
But like I said, I'm an upswinger in general. My moods are based upon 5 levels, with 1 being very depressed, and 5 being manic to the point of possibly hurting either myself or others. These days, now that I've learned how to manage my diet, exercise correctly, and keep to a kind of schedule (all of which helps maintain my disorder), I tend to middle out somewhere between a low 3 and a high 4 on any given day. Because I'm an upswinger, that means that I've had more level 5 incidences than I have level 1's. These are some of the things I've done:
- I once went swimming in the North Sea, in all my clothes, at night, in the middle of November. By the time my parents managed to get me out, I had to go to hospital with suspected hypothermia. I didn't care though, because the feel of the salty water on my skin was awesome.
- I once stepped over a railing at the top of a cliff, intending to jump off, because I wanted to feel the wind on my face. Luckily, my stepdad saw what I was doing on time and dragged me back.
- I went for a walk across the A12 (a fast road that leads right through London) in bare feet, because taking the subway meant not being able to see the stars.
- I escaped through my bedroom window and shimmied down the drainpipe in the middle of the night and made myself a camp in the fields our house backed on to. I stayed there for 3 days, until I decided I needed a broom to clear up the dirt.
- I once broke into a house, because I saw a bottle of milk out on the side through the window, and wanted to put it back. I honestly thought I was helping.
- I picked up my eldest daughter from an after school club and drove to a restaurant I had been to once with my dad a few years ago, 150 miles away.
All of these, except the last, happened while I was a teenager, and I was lucky. Nobody got hurt, and I have always had family members and friends looking out for me (although I did sometimes give them the slip!). I'm lucky now, because my husband is a doctor, and more often than not he can tell when it looks like I might be spiralling either up or down, and he can let me know. My mum calls me up every morning and asks me to tell her what I think my level is for the day. My eldest daughter, now nearly 15, can tell when my manic episodes look like they're taking over, and she takes on the mantle of looking after the younger ones for me until their dad can get home. And I also have my Asperger's, and that helps me monitor my own mood levels, helps me look at my actions analytically and logically. It helps me realise when I might be going too far, and if I can't pull myself back, then it helps me admit that I need help and to ask for it.
But there are some good points to my Bipolar too, well, I think so anyway. I don't sleep much when in an upswing, and although sleeplessness can trigger a sudden and sometimes severe downswing, during that time, I get a hell of a lot done. I once wrote 13,000 words of a fic in less than 8 hours! (It turned into my Waiting for You H/D fic, my first ever for this fandom.) I've decorated entire rooms in the space of a day, I once landscaped my mum's back garden - and it still looks awesome. I got a job I love doing while in an upswing, and I wrote my phd thesis within 6 days. I gave birth to my second daughter while in a particularly high upswing - pregnancy always makes it a little harder to control - and it was the best feeling ever.
My mental health issues may come with some down sides, but there is some good in them too; some of the best times of my life have happened while in an upswing, and I wouldn't trade them for anything, not even the removal of the downswings. I know that it isn't the same for everybody who deals with the same things I do, and I know that I should feel incredibly lucky that I am able to deal with it all as well as I can, and that I have such a good support system in place. I know other sufferers don't have that, and I do feel very lucky, and I am grateful every day.
So, why am I telling you all this? Well, for two reasons. One is, to make a statement. To stand up and say, “I have mental health issues, and I'm okay.” I think that the more people who say this, the more normalised it will become. We all have something about us, something that makes us different, but just because it's different, it doesn't mean that it makes us less, somehow. Just because I sometimes bounce up and down and giggle like a child over the simplest of things that for some reason fascinate me, or I sometimes just need to lie in bed for a few days because I'm experiencing a low level 2 mood, or I stammer and go bright red and avoid eye contact because other people make me nervous, it doesn't mean anything about me as a person. It's just what makes me different, just like that one thing about you that makes you different from everyone else.
The second reason why I'm talking about it is this: I consider the vast majority of my online friends as actual friends, because you guys are the people I feel most at ease with (probably because it means I don't have to try and force myself to look you all in the eye). So, as my friends, you should know this stuff about me. You should know that when I sometimes disappear from the internet, it might be because I'm feeling a little low, and am having trouble communicating. You should know that lack of comments/tweets/tumblr posts means that I'm unsure of how to respond, and am withdrawing because of social anxiety, and know that I'll get over it eventually. You should be able to picture me literally bouncing on my toes when I say that my mood is “bouncy” on a post - because that's exactly what I'm doing! You should know that I say what I mean, because sarcasm and passive aggressive behaviour are alien concepts to me. You should know that if I say something bluntly, that I don't mean to be offensive, it's just that my literal leaning brain sometimes has trouble understanding how other people might take things. You should know that it's okay to call me out on this behaviour, that I won't get upset, because I know that sometimes I need to be reminded about these things. And you should know that I'm okay, that you don't need to be careful around me (as some people IRL are, like I'm a fragile thing rather than a person).
So, that's it, that's my story, this is who I am. And I quite like it, really.
So, for anyone who bothered to read my long, rambly, and remarkably self involved post (and thanks, it means a lot!), please know that you can comment on absolutely anything I said here today. And if anyone feels like they might identify with any of it, and would maybe like to talk about it, my door (or inbox) is always open. :) Okay, still wide awake and bouncy right now, even though it's 1:30am, so I think I'm going to go do some ironing while watching LotR, because elves, man, they're so cool! <3