(no subject)
today i ate lunch w/ jay and we hung out a while. things were mostly good and comfortable..very "friend"-like..
but then eventually he was showing me these pictures on his camera from dallas, mostly of tattoos he did there and then some of different people. and in all of the pictures he would tell me who each person was..except for this red-headed girl he would just casually leave out. so when he was done w/ all the pictures i said "so i guess this red-headed girl is the one u think u love now?" and he said "yea..howd u know?" and i said b/c she was the only one he didnt say anything about. so that in itself didnt bother me TOO much..but then he went on to talk about her a little bit and comparing their relationship w/ ours and such and then i started crying.
so i thought i was all tough and over him but obviously i cant control the fact that it hurts when i think of him w/ this other girl. but i guess mostly what hurts is that he keeps acting like our whole relationship was just a joke or something..like he didnt really love me...i mean he didnt say those words but that was pretty much how he was acting. and maybe he didnt ever love me..but i did think that i loved him, and i wanted so bad to believe that he loved me too. he said he was sorry for stringing me along the whole time, but apparently he knew all along he didnt really want to be w/ me. this bothers me of course..i guess b/c it just makes me feel like such an idiot..
but the worst part..he said that just a couple days before he left dallas he was drunk and had sex w/ this slut down there they all know, and then he felt so guilty b/c of his new "gf", the red-head, and confessed the next day to her. he said that she said it hurt and all that, but she pretty much forgave him and didnt freak out and i was like "well yea of course she didnt freak out..b/c shes not pregnant..b/c she hasnt been w/ u for 2 years..b/c its just the first time uve done it to her! u cheated on me like 15 times!!" and then he said "well why do u think that is, why did i cheat on u so many times?...b/c i didnt want to be w/ u!" so i said "then why did u cheat on her?" and he said "b/c i wanted to see what it felt like...and i felt worse than i ever did before w/ any other girl" so then i got up and walked away and out the door to my car. he followed me to the door as i got outside and said "real mature" and i just left.
so that was the real kicker for me. and im not so dumb to think that oh this new girl is really his true love..i just realize that he does this every time. i know he told his gf before me the same things..acting like he hadnt loved her all along, but this new girl (me) was different and he really did love me...but of course time goes on and he is never satisfied..but for some reason girl after girl is dumb enough to fall for his shit. im embarrassed that i did the same..i should have been smarter than that..but i wasnt.
i realize that i dont actually want him..that i dont even really like the person he is..but i just cant figure out why it still hurts so much to think of him w/ someone else, or hearing him say that he was never happy with me. i think he was happy w/ me then though b/c obviously i was there and i know he was happy most of the time just like i was. but he acts like now it was just all a lie...like when we first found out i was pregnant and he said he was going to give me "one good year" w/o cheating on me or being a jerk, but he says now that that was just a lie..even though i never did anything to make him say that. what the fuck ever i just dont even know what the hell he thinks.
all i know is that i am much better off without him..and that means not talking to him at all..so the whole "friends" thing is probably never going to work out for us. period.
duh.
but then eventually he was showing me these pictures on his camera from dallas, mostly of tattoos he did there and then some of different people. and in all of the pictures he would tell me who each person was..except for this red-headed girl he would just casually leave out. so when he was done w/ all the pictures i said "so i guess this red-headed girl is the one u think u love now?" and he said "yea..howd u know?" and i said b/c she was the only one he didnt say anything about. so that in itself didnt bother me TOO much..but then he went on to talk about her a little bit and comparing their relationship w/ ours and such and then i started crying.
so i thought i was all tough and over him but obviously i cant control the fact that it hurts when i think of him w/ this other girl. but i guess mostly what hurts is that he keeps acting like our whole relationship was just a joke or something..like he didnt really love me...i mean he didnt say those words but that was pretty much how he was acting. and maybe he didnt ever love me..but i did think that i loved him, and i wanted so bad to believe that he loved me too. he said he was sorry for stringing me along the whole time, but apparently he knew all along he didnt really want to be w/ me. this bothers me of course..i guess b/c it just makes me feel like such an idiot..
but the worst part..he said that just a couple days before he left dallas he was drunk and had sex w/ this slut down there they all know, and then he felt so guilty b/c of his new "gf", the red-head, and confessed the next day to her. he said that she said it hurt and all that, but she pretty much forgave him and didnt freak out and i was like "well yea of course she didnt freak out..b/c shes not pregnant..b/c she hasnt been w/ u for 2 years..b/c its just the first time uve done it to her! u cheated on me like 15 times!!" and then he said "well why do u think that is, why did i cheat on u so many times?...b/c i didnt want to be w/ u!" so i said "then why did u cheat on her?" and he said "b/c i wanted to see what it felt like...and i felt worse than i ever did before w/ any other girl" so then i got up and walked away and out the door to my car. he followed me to the door as i got outside and said "real mature" and i just left.
so that was the real kicker for me. and im not so dumb to think that oh this new girl is really his true love..i just realize that he does this every time. i know he told his gf before me the same things..acting like he hadnt loved her all along, but this new girl (me) was different and he really did love me...but of course time goes on and he is never satisfied..but for some reason girl after girl is dumb enough to fall for his shit. im embarrassed that i did the same..i should have been smarter than that..but i wasnt.
i realize that i dont actually want him..that i dont even really like the person he is..but i just cant figure out why it still hurts so much to think of him w/ someone else, or hearing him say that he was never happy with me. i think he was happy w/ me then though b/c obviously i was there and i know he was happy most of the time just like i was. but he acts like now it was just all a lie...like when we first found out i was pregnant and he said he was going to give me "one good year" w/o cheating on me or being a jerk, but he says now that that was just a lie..even though i never did anything to make him say that. what the fuck ever i just dont even know what the hell he thinks.
all i know is that i am much better off without him..and that means not talking to him at all..so the whole "friends" thing is probably never going to work out for us. period.
duh.