(no subject)
so jay came back.
i hadnt talked to him in a couple weeks, since the whole "i think im in love again" thing. he had left messages telling me he was coming back friday to which i never replied but i did actually believe him this time. so friday comes and i answer the phone when he called. he said he was about 20 minutes away and was gonna come see me so i said ok......all these months of waiting and anticipation and he was finally coming back...
and it was awkward..to say the least.
when he first pulled up i went outside and despite my trying to be mad at him the past few weeks i was happy to see him..but not like "oh god i love him so much" just happy to see my friend ya know..but he was different..his whole demeanor was rather cold despite the hug he gave me. my first reaction was how uncomfortable i felt..but i just tried to ignore it and act normal..then i said "let me see your hair" cause i always loved his hair and use to play w/ it..so i reached to take his hat off and he ducked away and backed up w/ a VERY serious look on his face, like i shouldnt touch his hat or something...it was just beyond weird. that made me completely nervous, like i was looking at a stranger and not the guy i had been so close to for the past couple years. i mean my god as long as we have known each other we have been ridiculously touchy w/ each other, and now he wouldnt even let me touch his hat..yea freaked me out. so after that i had a hard time looking him in the face and didnt really know how to act cause i just felt like he was a completely different person. we had said before on the phone that we would go eat, so he said "u wanna go eat" and i said "no" b/c god it was just so fucking awkward! i just cant even describe it i guess...i have seen people that i havent seen in months or years and it be exactly like it was before when we were together again so i just expected it to be like that w/ me and jay since i feel like we were closer than i had been to anyone before..but no. it was literally like he was a stranger. bizarre. anyway i asked him if he wanted to come inside and see the babys room and he said no, i guess b/c he was scared my mom was in there and she was gonna be mean to him or something..and so then he said "you want me to get the stuff i got for the baby out of the truck?" and i just said "whatever u want to do"..and then while he was doing that i kind of started crying. i was just really sad at the realization that the guy i knew and loved just didnt exist anymore. i guess its hard to put into words how i felt but he certainly didnt understand and just tried to hug me and said "why are u mad at me?" but of course i wasnt mad..just sad i guess.
so then he did bring the bags of baby stuff he got upstairs to the babys room. he said it looked great and all of that and at some point gave me a tiny peck on the lips and even that was bizarre b/c it was like i was kissing my grandmother or something..not at all like how we use to kiss. anyway we sat down for a while and he showed me the stuff he bought and i showed him some stuff i had got for the baby, and we just talked about some random things, and all the while he would make these comments like "i guess i should go ahead and get a lawyer now huh" like i guess thinking im gonna keep this baby from him or something..it bothers me when he says that b/c i have never said anything like that to him but he is just already thinking its gonna be that way. and he would say things joking like "oh u think this is it? no way, im havin 7 more kids..w/ 7 more women"..and i just felt like ya know, this kid isnt even here yet and hes already planning on havin more, like this one is no big deal or something. but i mean i know he was just trying to act tough, but these kinds of comments he would make i felt were just being mean, b/c they obviously werent funny, but usually i just would kinda make a face and go on talking about something else..
but then he kept sayin stuff about how this kid was gonna be a leo, which is what he is too, and how its gonna drive me nuts and such...so then i said "he could be a virgo" which he could be if he comes a few days late..of course i do hope he is a virgo b/c i have lots of friends that are virgos and aquarius and leos are complete opposites and are always destined to bump heads..so duh of course i would want him to be a virgo, but all i actually said was "he could be a virgo" and jays face suddenly went very serious and said something like "i cant believe u said that..im leaving" and got his stuff and went down the stairs and out the door. i didnt even get up or say anything b/c i thought it was ridiculous that he got mad at that, and after a minute or 2 i went downstairs to throw something away. i didnt go after him like i guess he thought i would so after a minute he came back inside and smiled and said "ur mean"..he was definitely mad when he left the room but then i guess he realized what an idiot he was for getting mad like that. but anyway i said something about how he had been making rude comments all night to which i just didnt say anything, trying to avoid a fight, but i say "he could be a virgo" and he just stomped out of the room all pissed" he just tried to act like he was joking about all that stuff even though he knows it bothers me and blah blah blah. we talked for a little while longer and he rubbed my belly and then left around 10:30..
so anyway the point is that seeing him again went completely different than how i expected..i had been quite scared that when i saw him again i would just fall immediately back in love w/ him and be in such a mess despite all the months of trying to get over him.....BUT i really felt nothing for him the whole time he was here..i guess it might have been different if he had been nicer, but instead he was kinda the normal jerk he usually is so i really was ready for him to leave when he did. i was sad he had changed but i was glad that i didnt have to worry about him messing w/ my emotions and such....
but then at like 2 am that same night he called me sayin he was at a hotel and asked if i would come over and sleep next to him.."not like that, i just wanna sleep next to u and rub ur belly" he said..i was stunned at his nerve so i didnt even say anything for a few seconds and then finally i said "u werent very nice to me when u were here so u dont just get to be an ass when u want, but then suddenly act like a nice guy when ur lonely" so he just said sorry, that he shouldnt have called, etc...but yea that bugged me.
so anyway i didnt want to talk to him anymore but he sent me a couple text messages yesterday sayin sorry and please dont be mad at him and blah blah so eventually i told him that if he wanted to be my friend he had to be a nice guy and think before he speaks....so we'll see how it goes from here.
but seriously..i am not in love w/ him like i thought i was..and that is quite a relief.
i hadnt talked to him in a couple weeks, since the whole "i think im in love again" thing. he had left messages telling me he was coming back friday to which i never replied but i did actually believe him this time. so friday comes and i answer the phone when he called. he said he was about 20 minutes away and was gonna come see me so i said ok......all these months of waiting and anticipation and he was finally coming back...
and it was awkward..to say the least.
when he first pulled up i went outside and despite my trying to be mad at him the past few weeks i was happy to see him..but not like "oh god i love him so much" just happy to see my friend ya know..but he was different..his whole demeanor was rather cold despite the hug he gave me. my first reaction was how uncomfortable i felt..but i just tried to ignore it and act normal..then i said "let me see your hair" cause i always loved his hair and use to play w/ it..so i reached to take his hat off and he ducked away and backed up w/ a VERY serious look on his face, like i shouldnt touch his hat or something...it was just beyond weird. that made me completely nervous, like i was looking at a stranger and not the guy i had been so close to for the past couple years. i mean my god as long as we have known each other we have been ridiculously touchy w/ each other, and now he wouldnt even let me touch his hat..yea freaked me out. so after that i had a hard time looking him in the face and didnt really know how to act cause i just felt like he was a completely different person. we had said before on the phone that we would go eat, so he said "u wanna go eat" and i said "no" b/c god it was just so fucking awkward! i just cant even describe it i guess...i have seen people that i havent seen in months or years and it be exactly like it was before when we were together again so i just expected it to be like that w/ me and jay since i feel like we were closer than i had been to anyone before..but no. it was literally like he was a stranger. bizarre. anyway i asked him if he wanted to come inside and see the babys room and he said no, i guess b/c he was scared my mom was in there and she was gonna be mean to him or something..and so then he said "you want me to get the stuff i got for the baby out of the truck?" and i just said "whatever u want to do"..and then while he was doing that i kind of started crying. i was just really sad at the realization that the guy i knew and loved just didnt exist anymore. i guess its hard to put into words how i felt but he certainly didnt understand and just tried to hug me and said "why are u mad at me?" but of course i wasnt mad..just sad i guess.
so then he did bring the bags of baby stuff he got upstairs to the babys room. he said it looked great and all of that and at some point gave me a tiny peck on the lips and even that was bizarre b/c it was like i was kissing my grandmother or something..not at all like how we use to kiss. anyway we sat down for a while and he showed me the stuff he bought and i showed him some stuff i had got for the baby, and we just talked about some random things, and all the while he would make these comments like "i guess i should go ahead and get a lawyer now huh" like i guess thinking im gonna keep this baby from him or something..it bothers me when he says that b/c i have never said anything like that to him but he is just already thinking its gonna be that way. and he would say things joking like "oh u think this is it? no way, im havin 7 more kids..w/ 7 more women"..and i just felt like ya know, this kid isnt even here yet and hes already planning on havin more, like this one is no big deal or something. but i mean i know he was just trying to act tough, but these kinds of comments he would make i felt were just being mean, b/c they obviously werent funny, but usually i just would kinda make a face and go on talking about something else..
but then he kept sayin stuff about how this kid was gonna be a leo, which is what he is too, and how its gonna drive me nuts and such...so then i said "he could be a virgo" which he could be if he comes a few days late..of course i do hope he is a virgo b/c i have lots of friends that are virgos and aquarius and leos are complete opposites and are always destined to bump heads..so duh of course i would want him to be a virgo, but all i actually said was "he could be a virgo" and jays face suddenly went very serious and said something like "i cant believe u said that..im leaving" and got his stuff and went down the stairs and out the door. i didnt even get up or say anything b/c i thought it was ridiculous that he got mad at that, and after a minute or 2 i went downstairs to throw something away. i didnt go after him like i guess he thought i would so after a minute he came back inside and smiled and said "ur mean"..he was definitely mad when he left the room but then i guess he realized what an idiot he was for getting mad like that. but anyway i said something about how he had been making rude comments all night to which i just didnt say anything, trying to avoid a fight, but i say "he could be a virgo" and he just stomped out of the room all pissed" he just tried to act like he was joking about all that stuff even though he knows it bothers me and blah blah blah. we talked for a little while longer and he rubbed my belly and then left around 10:30..
so anyway the point is that seeing him again went completely different than how i expected..i had been quite scared that when i saw him again i would just fall immediately back in love w/ him and be in such a mess despite all the months of trying to get over him.....BUT i really felt nothing for him the whole time he was here..i guess it might have been different if he had been nicer, but instead he was kinda the normal jerk he usually is so i really was ready for him to leave when he did. i was sad he had changed but i was glad that i didnt have to worry about him messing w/ my emotions and such....
but then at like 2 am that same night he called me sayin he was at a hotel and asked if i would come over and sleep next to him.."not like that, i just wanna sleep next to u and rub ur belly" he said..i was stunned at his nerve so i didnt even say anything for a few seconds and then finally i said "u werent very nice to me when u were here so u dont just get to be an ass when u want, but then suddenly act like a nice guy when ur lonely" so he just said sorry, that he shouldnt have called, etc...but yea that bugged me.
so anyway i didnt want to talk to him anymore but he sent me a couple text messages yesterday sayin sorry and please dont be mad at him and blah blah so eventually i told him that if he wanted to be my friend he had to be a nice guy and think before he speaks....so we'll see how it goes from here.
but seriously..i am not in love w/ him like i thought i was..and that is quite a relief.