Angsting It Out on Livejournal...
...that's what they made it for in the first place, right?
Seems like I have no other need for it other than a rant during the wee, sleepless, hours of the morning. Not like I'm really feeling in the ranting mood. I'm just more, lonely, than anything else.
I hate this time of year. It seems to add to the insecurities I already feel when my friends leave to go off to school and such. I'm dreading to think what it'll be like next year and my brother goes off to school, which will seem like an even bigger void. I feel a silly sense of depression and abandonment at this time of year and I don't really have anybody to talk to about it. For one, I'm a little embarrased that I feel this way and I mean, who really wants to share deep emotions? Not me, really...at least, most of the time.
Lately, it seems like I've been shrouded by this dark cloud that nobody can penetrate. Not only that, I'm using it to keep people at bay, which is only adding to this stupid feeling I've been having lately. Because, really, why get close when everybody just keeps leaving anyway?
It seems that nothing I try to do to improve myself works. I just keep failing repeatedly at becoming a better person. I know who I want to be, I just can't seem to get there. I want to leave all these crazy insecurities behind and maybe oh, I dunno, actually become confident. I want to have a job where I'm happy (having just given my two weeks notice at good 'ol Steak 'n Stein). I want to be happy and let the little things bounce off of me and not personalize them so much. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. Or maybe it's just another one of these stupid phases where I'll learn from everything I've done wrong and achieve one thing that I've mentioned earlier. But, so far, it just seems like I'm letting history repeat itself. I think I need some guidence, I'm just not sure where to get it.
I don't want to be living in my past anymore. I want to move on, and get to the future. I want to escape this cloud and above all, I want to stop failing.
Maybe one of these days, I can actually make it to the top of Maslow's heirarchy and actually become self-actualized. What do you think?