However, when I write my entries I like to try & keep everyone anonymous except for myself. I feel that it is not my place to bring other people who are or were in my life into a public online blog without their consent.
I can beat around the bush a little with this one though:
The first part has to do with the people who surrounded me when I first returned home from college. I had a drug & alcohol addiction that nearly killed me. People just don't decide to become an addict one day for fun. They usually have a serious problem in which they are attempting to escape from or are looking for some sort of answers. I had to fight to defeat the addiction itself along with the mental side effects of detoxing. When I returned home for the summer rumors flew around about me & how I was a drugie, bad influence & a loser when I had not taken a single drug in months. No one asked me about my condition either. I would have been more than willing to discuss it with whoever was curious. I am a very open person, but somehow people just can not seem to realize that & bring up issues concerning myself to my face. I finally got to the point where if people couldn't respect me enough to ask rather than assume & gossip then in my mind they did not deserve to know the truth. Everyone said that I was going to fail. No one believed in me & carelessly labeled me "the fuck up." It is always easier to label things that you do not understand. People are funny that way.
The second part transitions from the people in my hometown to a guy I has a very complicated relationship with at school. It was the most unhealthy relationship I think anyone I know has ever been in. We both loved each other in some bizarre way, but he refused to recognize it or make anything of it. To be honest I don't think he even knew what the hell was going on 90% of the time. He thought he was God. Like literally, thought he was God. He believed that he could manipulate anybody & everybody to do as he pleased. He pushed away those who loved him most in fear that he would harm them. In some sick twisted way, he needed me & I needed him. I wasted so much energy & time investing my adoration into him. "Sad to think I loved you," is my way of saying that I am dissapointed that I allowed myself to be such a ass head and to become so head over heels for a person I know would destroy me both physically & mentally. It severely fucked with my head & I became severely depressed to the point in which I attempted suicide on numerous occassions. He made me feel completely worthless. It finally got to the point where I had to see a psyciatrist & almost had to be hospitalized due to the severity of my mental illness. He never gave a fuck. He destroyed so many lives last year & while we are all stuck paying the price he goes on as if it never happened. The times we had together were always fun. Perhaps that was the reason it was so hard to cut him off. He purposely O.D.'ed one night and I held him in my arms as he cried & held his hand. I talked to him until I could will him back to life. We had a closeness no one can or will understand besides him & I. I used to see him every day & now I have not seen him in over half a year, nor do I wish to see him anytime soon.
...sorry it was so long, I know, but that basically sums it all up.
However, when I write my entries I like to try & keep everyone anonymous except for myself.
I feel that it is not my place to bring other people who are or were in my life into a public online blog without their consent.
I can beat around the bush a little with this one though:
The first part has to do with the people who surrounded me when I first returned home from college. I had a drug & alcohol addiction that nearly killed me. People just don't decide to become an addict one day for fun. They usually have a serious problem in which they are attempting to escape from or are looking for some sort of answers. I had to fight to defeat the addiction itself along with the mental side effects of detoxing. When I returned home for the summer rumors flew around about me & how I was a drugie, bad influence & a loser when I had not taken a single drug in months. No one asked me about my condition either. I would have been more than willing to discuss it with whoever was curious. I am a very open person, but somehow people just can not seem to realize that & bring up issues concerning myself to my face. I finally got to the point where if people couldn't respect me enough to ask rather than assume & gossip then in my mind they did not deserve to know the truth. Everyone said that I was going to fail. No one believed in me & carelessly labeled me "the fuck up." It is always easier to label things that you do not understand. People are funny that way.
The second part transitions from the people in my hometown to a guy I has a very complicated relationship with at school. It was the most unhealthy relationship I think anyone I know has ever been in. We both loved each other in some bizarre way, but he refused to recognize it or make anything of it. To be honest I don't think he even knew what the hell was going on 90% of the time. He thought he was God. Like literally, thought he was God. He believed that he could manipulate anybody & everybody to do as he pleased. He pushed away those who loved him most in fear that he would harm them. In some sick twisted way, he needed me & I needed him. I wasted so much energy & time investing my adoration into him. "Sad to think I loved you," is my way of saying that I am dissapointed that I allowed myself to be such a ass head and to become so head over heels for a person I know would destroy me both physically & mentally. It severely fucked with my head & I became severely depressed to the point in which I attempted suicide on numerous occassions. He made me feel completely worthless. It finally got to the point where I had to see a psyciatrist & almost had to be hospitalized due to the severity of my mental illness. He never gave a fuck. He destroyed so many lives last year & while we are all stuck paying the price he goes on as if it never happened. The times we had together were always fun. Perhaps that was the reason it was so hard to cut him off. He purposely O.D.'ed one night and I held him in my arms as he cried & held his hand. I talked to him until I could will him back to life. We had a closeness no one can or will understand besides him & I. I used to see him every day & now I have not seen him in over half a year, nor do I wish to see him anytime soon.
...sorry it was so long, I know, but that basically sums it all up.
Reply
Leave a comment