Sad news today...
I found out this morning that one of my cousins, Kenny, has passed away.
My mom told me that the police showed up at his brother Vito's house last night. Apparently Kenny was found in DC. Mom wasn't clear if he had been dead for a few days when they found him, or if it took them a few days to contact the family...they also weren't 100% positive why he died. They said it didn't look suspicious; most likely drugs and/or exposure.
I don't know if I've ever talked about Kenny here before. His mom is my Gramma's youngest sister. Kenny isn't that much older than me; I think he's around 30. He has been in trouble with the police for various things for a long time. I don't even actually know what he's been arrested for. I never asked. I just know he's been to jail a lot, and even to prison. I know some of the arrests have been because of things like being "drunk in public." I would venture to guess that some of the other arrests have to do with drug charges, too.
Kenny spent a few weeks at my house back when I was 15. He needed "help," a place to stay, so that he could still work and keep up with his parole. He did for a while, but eventually wound up getting drunk just about every night, stopped going to work, and had to go back to jail. While he was at our house he asked to borrow my bike. I reluctantly said yes. He said something like "Good, I've been using it for a few days." That ticked me off, but it wasn't a big deal, and it meant he'd actually get to work, so I let it go.
He also asked if he could borrow my cd player so he could listen to some music on his way to work. Again, I was reluctant, but agreed. He wound up dropping it while he was riding my bike, and it broke. He tried to fix it with some tape. It didn't really work. He gave it back and apologized. I think it was a day or two later, when he realized I was upset about my broken cd player, he tried to give me $20 to make up for it. It was a nice gesture, but it was kind of frightening because he was very drunk at the time. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I remember feeling weird, and a bit scared. I remember that for some reason my mom was in my room that night, and I asked her to lock my door when she left. I hated that I felt scared, but I didn't know what he would do when he was drunk like that. He also claimed that my bike got stolen while he was in a bar downtown, but I never believed that. I was quite sure that he sold it to get more money for beer, cigarettes and who knows what. I was upset about that, too, but it was only a bike.
As I said, Kenny wound up going back to jail because he stopped going to jail. Well, he was supposed to, but he wouldn't. I don't remember the details, I just remember that being around him was scary. He was drunk most of the time, and he wasn't himself when he was drunk. Sober he was a polite, nice, thoughtful guy. Drunk? As I said, I was afraid of what he might do. My parents and I wound up going to my Gram and Grandad's for a night and called the police to tell them where Kenny was. I guess they came and picked him up since he didn't show up when he was supposed to. All I know was that was the last time I saw him for many years.
About a year ago I was running late for work one morning. I got to my car but then remembered that it was trash day. As I was dragging the trash can toward the curb I saw someone standing on the road and heard them say hey. I thought it was just someone walking down my street so I casually said hi. Though when I looked up I realized that it was Kenny. He wanted me to give him a ride to Vito's house. It's not that far, but I had to get to work. Frank, his other brother, and his mom live about a mile down the road from me. I told him he should just walk there. He said he couldn't, because they "wouldn't help" him and that they had "given up" on him and told him to "go away." He also told me he HAD to go to Vito's because they were sending his ID to his house. I told him again that I couldn't and asked how he got here. He said he had been in DC, but had taken the metro as far out as it went, then walked the rest of the way over a couple of days. He told me he had slept in the streets and ditches, had gotten frostbite, but that God had saved his life. God had prevented him from dying. He was talking a lot of gibberish, but also told me that God saved his life another time, when he fell down the stairs but didn't get hurt. He told me that he could speak 5 languages and that he was a "computer genius." I told him over and over that I had to get to work, and that there wasn't anything I could do to help him. I finally told him I'd go down the street to the ATM, give him $20 and call him a cab. I did that, and he thanked me. I made it very clear to him that I couldn't do anything else for him.
I did, though, tell him that I loved him. I told him he's family, and that I cared about him, and that I was praying for him. He told me that he loved me, too, and that he would pray for me too. I told him that I hoped that he would be able to make good choices and find a good path for his life. I really meant that. Even after years and years of the exact same patterns, I held on to a little bit of hope that maybe, maybe he could save himself.
I spoke to his brother, my cousin Frank, either that day or the next. He told me that Kenny did make it to Vito's house, and apologized for Kenny bothering me at my house. I told him it was okay, but told Frank what I told Kenny: there wasn't anything I could do to help him. It's not like I have money that I could just give to him. And if I did, he would only use it for drugs or alcohol. Frank said that I shouldn't worry, because it wasn't my job to worry about Kenny. Frank also told me a day or two after that that Kenny had gotten arrested because of disorderly conduct or something like that.
A few days after Easter I got a letter in the mail. I saw that the return address was from the jail. I almost didn't open it. After I stared at it for a while I decided to go ahead and read it. The letter was 4 pages front and back (so actually, 8 pages). Kenny apologized for all the shit he did when he was staying with us, and apologized for making me feel uncomfortable at times when he was drunk. I doubt he remembers much about that time, but I am sure his mother has brought it to his attention when he says things like "No one in this family cares about me or does anything to help me." We have a large, very caring family. I know that we have all done things at one time or another to try to help him. Unfortunately he didn't really accept the help, or at least not for long enough for it to really make any impact on his life.
Anyway, in the letter he mentioned that a few days after he had come to my house that he had come back, but I wasn't home. I guess Aries was outside, because he said he spent some time petting her before he took a nap in my shed. (Just so you know, this shed is tiny, and the floor is rotted out in several spots.) I think he also said something about leaving some magazines in there...I went and checked and he did indeed leave magazines - and trash - in my shed.
At the end of the letter he finally got to what he really wanted: me to pay his bond. I forget exactly what he asked me to do, but basically go through the bondsmen so I only had to pay $100, not the $500 that his bond was...something like that. I certainly didn't have $100 just lying around. And I knew that even if I did, he would just wind up back in jail anyway. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. He wanted to be out of jail by his birthday, April 13th. I know he mentioned that his birthday was the same as my mom's, and I think he also mentioned that it was around my birthday, too. I didn't reply. I didn't know what to say, and I didn't think it would make a difference, anyway.
On my birthday I saw my Aunt Nancy (Kenny's mom) and she apologized again for him randomly showing up at my house, and apologized again when I mentioned the letter. She told me not to let him manipulate me into enabling him or giving him any money or anything like that. I told her I didn't reply, and that I had told him several times that there wasn't anything I could do to help him.
That was the last time I heard from him. I hadn't heard more about where he was or what he was up to until this morning.
I am still trying to figure out how I feel about all this.
I am feeling a lot of guilt, to be honest. I feel guilty because when I heard that he was found dead from a possible drug overdose I was surprised that this hadn't happened sooner. Not that I wanted to to happen, but I know what choices in life have been like. I knew that if they didn't change, this was the ending he was headed to.
I also feel guilty that one of the last things I ever said to him was that I couldn't help him. I feel like that was very selfish. But really, what could I do? How can you help an addict? You can't, not if they're not willing to accept the help and try to change.
I feel guilty because I can't really remember any good memories with him. I am positive we had good times together. I have vague recollections of spending time with him as a kid, but no real specifics. I remember his other brothers better...I just remember Kenny getting in trouble a lot. I wish I had better memories with him.
I feel very sad for my aunt and Kenny's brothers. Today is Aunt Nancy's birthday. I don't think her birthdays will ever feel quite the same again. I looked at her Facebook page this morning and was so sad at what I saw. She recently moved to NC with her boyfriend. At the beginning of the month she was talking about how sad she was, how homesick she was, and how she wanted to be involved in her children & grandchildren's lives. My heart just breaks for her. I know she has done everything in her power to try to help Kenny. But as I said, there's really been nothing any of us could do that has actually seemed to help Kenny. He's always been all talk and no action when it comes to getting his life back on track.
I do feel a sense of peace for Kenny, though. At least I hope he has peace. I know that he has talked about how he couldn't live with the drugs and alcohol, but also couldn't live without them. He was a troubled, unhappy guy. For a long, long time I have felt sorry for him. I've pitied him. As I said, I've prayed for him; a lot, actually. I knew that he was an addict, and I know that it's very hard for them to change, to give up their addictions...I guess I just always had a little bit of hope.
This just affirms my fear of addictions. They're scary, sad and a constant struggle for the addict and their friends and family.
I keep jumping back and forth, using past tense or present tense...This whole thing has been very hard to process. I'm still trying to sort out how I feel, and how I should feel. I have never been that close to Kenny, but he's my cousin, and as I told him, I love him just like I love all my other cousins. In the end, I just hope that he finally has peace, and that our family can heal from the heartbreak we've experienced today.
Sorry for the really long post. I just needed to get my thoughts out to help me process my emotions.
My mom told me that the police showed up at his brother Vito's house last night. Apparently Kenny was found in DC. Mom wasn't clear if he had been dead for a few days when they found him, or if it took them a few days to contact the family...they also weren't 100% positive why he died. They said it didn't look suspicious; most likely drugs and/or exposure.
I don't know if I've ever talked about Kenny here before. His mom is my Gramma's youngest sister. Kenny isn't that much older than me; I think he's around 30. He has been in trouble with the police for various things for a long time. I don't even actually know what he's been arrested for. I never asked. I just know he's been to jail a lot, and even to prison. I know some of the arrests have been because of things like being "drunk in public." I would venture to guess that some of the other arrests have to do with drug charges, too.
Kenny spent a few weeks at my house back when I was 15. He needed "help," a place to stay, so that he could still work and keep up with his parole. He did for a while, but eventually wound up getting drunk just about every night, stopped going to work, and had to go back to jail. While he was at our house he asked to borrow my bike. I reluctantly said yes. He said something like "Good, I've been using it for a few days." That ticked me off, but it wasn't a big deal, and it meant he'd actually get to work, so I let it go.
He also asked if he could borrow my cd player so he could listen to some music on his way to work. Again, I was reluctant, but agreed. He wound up dropping it while he was riding my bike, and it broke. He tried to fix it with some tape. It didn't really work. He gave it back and apologized. I think it was a day or two later, when he realized I was upset about my broken cd player, he tried to give me $20 to make up for it. It was a nice gesture, but it was kind of frightening because he was very drunk at the time. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I remember feeling weird, and a bit scared. I remember that for some reason my mom was in my room that night, and I asked her to lock my door when she left. I hated that I felt scared, but I didn't know what he would do when he was drunk like that. He also claimed that my bike got stolen while he was in a bar downtown, but I never believed that. I was quite sure that he sold it to get more money for beer, cigarettes and who knows what. I was upset about that, too, but it was only a bike.
As I said, Kenny wound up going back to jail because he stopped going to jail. Well, he was supposed to, but he wouldn't. I don't remember the details, I just remember that being around him was scary. He was drunk most of the time, and he wasn't himself when he was drunk. Sober he was a polite, nice, thoughtful guy. Drunk? As I said, I was afraid of what he might do. My parents and I wound up going to my Gram and Grandad's for a night and called the police to tell them where Kenny was. I guess they came and picked him up since he didn't show up when he was supposed to. All I know was that was the last time I saw him for many years.
About a year ago I was running late for work one morning. I got to my car but then remembered that it was trash day. As I was dragging the trash can toward the curb I saw someone standing on the road and heard them say hey. I thought it was just someone walking down my street so I casually said hi. Though when I looked up I realized that it was Kenny. He wanted me to give him a ride to Vito's house. It's not that far, but I had to get to work. Frank, his other brother, and his mom live about a mile down the road from me. I told him he should just walk there. He said he couldn't, because they "wouldn't help" him and that they had "given up" on him and told him to "go away." He also told me he HAD to go to Vito's because they were sending his ID to his house. I told him again that I couldn't and asked how he got here. He said he had been in DC, but had taken the metro as far out as it went, then walked the rest of the way over a couple of days. He told me he had slept in the streets and ditches, had gotten frostbite, but that God had saved his life. God had prevented him from dying. He was talking a lot of gibberish, but also told me that God saved his life another time, when he fell down the stairs but didn't get hurt. He told me that he could speak 5 languages and that he was a "computer genius." I told him over and over that I had to get to work, and that there wasn't anything I could do to help him. I finally told him I'd go down the street to the ATM, give him $20 and call him a cab. I did that, and he thanked me. I made it very clear to him that I couldn't do anything else for him.
I did, though, tell him that I loved him. I told him he's family, and that I cared about him, and that I was praying for him. He told me that he loved me, too, and that he would pray for me too. I told him that I hoped that he would be able to make good choices and find a good path for his life. I really meant that. Even after years and years of the exact same patterns, I held on to a little bit of hope that maybe, maybe he could save himself.
I spoke to his brother, my cousin Frank, either that day or the next. He told me that Kenny did make it to Vito's house, and apologized for Kenny bothering me at my house. I told him it was okay, but told Frank what I told Kenny: there wasn't anything I could do to help him. It's not like I have money that I could just give to him. And if I did, he would only use it for drugs or alcohol. Frank said that I shouldn't worry, because it wasn't my job to worry about Kenny. Frank also told me a day or two after that that Kenny had gotten arrested because of disorderly conduct or something like that.
A few days after Easter I got a letter in the mail. I saw that the return address was from the jail. I almost didn't open it. After I stared at it for a while I decided to go ahead and read it. The letter was 4 pages front and back (so actually, 8 pages). Kenny apologized for all the shit he did when he was staying with us, and apologized for making me feel uncomfortable at times when he was drunk. I doubt he remembers much about that time, but I am sure his mother has brought it to his attention when he says things like "No one in this family cares about me or does anything to help me." We have a large, very caring family. I know that we have all done things at one time or another to try to help him. Unfortunately he didn't really accept the help, or at least not for long enough for it to really make any impact on his life.
Anyway, in the letter he mentioned that a few days after he had come to my house that he had come back, but I wasn't home. I guess Aries was outside, because he said he spent some time petting her before he took a nap in my shed. (Just so you know, this shed is tiny, and the floor is rotted out in several spots.) I think he also said something about leaving some magazines in there...I went and checked and he did indeed leave magazines - and trash - in my shed.
At the end of the letter he finally got to what he really wanted: me to pay his bond. I forget exactly what he asked me to do, but basically go through the bondsmen so I only had to pay $100, not the $500 that his bond was...something like that. I certainly didn't have $100 just lying around. And I knew that even if I did, he would just wind up back in jail anyway. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. He wanted to be out of jail by his birthday, April 13th. I know he mentioned that his birthday was the same as my mom's, and I think he also mentioned that it was around my birthday, too. I didn't reply. I didn't know what to say, and I didn't think it would make a difference, anyway.
On my birthday I saw my Aunt Nancy (Kenny's mom) and she apologized again for him randomly showing up at my house, and apologized again when I mentioned the letter. She told me not to let him manipulate me into enabling him or giving him any money or anything like that. I told her I didn't reply, and that I had told him several times that there wasn't anything I could do to help him.
That was the last time I heard from him. I hadn't heard more about where he was or what he was up to until this morning.
I am still trying to figure out how I feel about all this.
I am feeling a lot of guilt, to be honest. I feel guilty because when I heard that he was found dead from a possible drug overdose I was surprised that this hadn't happened sooner. Not that I wanted to to happen, but I know what choices in life have been like. I knew that if they didn't change, this was the ending he was headed to.
I also feel guilty that one of the last things I ever said to him was that I couldn't help him. I feel like that was very selfish. But really, what could I do? How can you help an addict? You can't, not if they're not willing to accept the help and try to change.
I feel guilty because I can't really remember any good memories with him. I am positive we had good times together. I have vague recollections of spending time with him as a kid, but no real specifics. I remember his other brothers better...I just remember Kenny getting in trouble a lot. I wish I had better memories with him.
I feel very sad for my aunt and Kenny's brothers. Today is Aunt Nancy's birthday. I don't think her birthdays will ever feel quite the same again. I looked at her Facebook page this morning and was so sad at what I saw. She recently moved to NC with her boyfriend. At the beginning of the month she was talking about how sad she was, how homesick she was, and how she wanted to be involved in her children & grandchildren's lives. My heart just breaks for her. I know she has done everything in her power to try to help Kenny. But as I said, there's really been nothing any of us could do that has actually seemed to help Kenny. He's always been all talk and no action when it comes to getting his life back on track.
I do feel a sense of peace for Kenny, though. At least I hope he has peace. I know that he has talked about how he couldn't live with the drugs and alcohol, but also couldn't live without them. He was a troubled, unhappy guy. For a long, long time I have felt sorry for him. I've pitied him. As I said, I've prayed for him; a lot, actually. I knew that he was an addict, and I know that it's very hard for them to change, to give up their addictions...I guess I just always had a little bit of hope.
This just affirms my fear of addictions. They're scary, sad and a constant struggle for the addict and their friends and family.
I keep jumping back and forth, using past tense or present tense...This whole thing has been very hard to process. I'm still trying to sort out how I feel, and how I should feel. I have never been that close to Kenny, but he's my cousin, and as I told him, I love him just like I love all my other cousins. In the end, I just hope that he finally has peace, and that our family can heal from the heartbreak we've experienced today.
Sorry for the really long post. I just needed to get my thoughts out to help me process my emotions.