It's been a long time comin' but I know...
So it's been some months since I've felt like putting pen to paper -- or I guess, fingers to keyboard -- ... at least publicly. The last couple of months have been part of a large system of change that I've felt breaking over me for some time now... finally coming to a head. I won''t lie and say that it's been a good thing. It's been rough. There's been a healthy share of questions and doubts and pain and also accomplishment and self-discovery. I'm finally starting to see the light of my own potential.
After a long consideration, I decided not to accept my place in the grad program at Central School of Speech and Drama in London. I had the forethought to get in touch with an American alum of the program and also my old mentor/professor from NYU in London (whose husband is now ironically the dean of Central School!), and they were both less than encouraging. They said that it's a problematic situation for American students after graduation there, and most can't get visas to stay after theirs run out. And most casting directors there won't go through the trouble to cast an American when they can just get a Brit with a passable accent. So it was a blessing to have heard this first-hand before I made the decision and took out more loans. It was an amazing opportunity and such an honor to be accepted... and while I'd LOVE to be back in London, it just wasn't the right choice for me.
So what is? Well, I'm still planning on leaving New York in September. This I know is what I need. I am so ready for an experience different from my own. Right now, the plan is doing a 5 month program in Israel where I'd spend one month in the Negev in an intensive Hebrew study and then move to Tel Aviv for the remaining 4 months and intern with a professional theatre. But we'll see... I've also been in contact with a lot of the big theatres there out of my own volition... and if I could go over there with a JOB and get PAID to be there, as opposed to PAYING for a program, I'd obviously do that. Though there's something to be said for the security and stability of an organized program. 6 to one, 1/2 dozen to the other. If can get most of the program subsidized... which I think I can.. I'll do that I think. It will still be cheaper than rent here... but then again I won't be making money. So we'll see which pans out. But there are plans in motion and that makes me happy.
All in all, I'm just feeling a lot better. I started working out again, which is good... and JessAnn and I enrolled in a free Birthright alum Bar/Bat Mitzvah class for alums who never had one. It's like Judaism 101 with a little Hebrew thrown in. It's fun... I love the Rabbi who teaches it... he's amazing. It feels nice to be learning something again. I haven't been in anything that resembles a classroom setting in 2 years! So if you want to come to my "Bat Mitzvah" (it obv. won't be a real one... it's more like a party)... let me know. I will be expecting gifts :) But only what you'd give me if I was ACTUALLY 13.
So while I may not have very many things figured out... and in that respect, I guess I'm not much better off than I was a few months ago... I'm beginning to find the joy in the fact that the possibilities are endless, instead of being daunted by the notion. As long as I keep my heart open and my chin up, it's gonna be fine. This is the best time in life to find yourself and find out what you really want and GO FOR IT. I'm not wasting any more time feeling scared and directionless and stalled and stagnant. We're always moving, always changing, always growing. And it's taken this sort of "still" period of reflection and reevaluation to recognize that.
So, full speed ahead... to wherever life takes me. I'm ready. Really, actually ready now.