Ch-ch-changes!
So... LONDON?!?!
Didn't really see this coming! I totally auditioned for the school (Central School of Speech and Drama @ the Univ. of London) on a whim... knowing I didn't want to be in NY anymore right now. I totally didn't expect to be accepted on the spot... like it was a piece of cake of something!
It's terrifying, the thought of picking up my life and moving it across the ocean. Leaving the life I've spent 6 years creating here... my friends, my family, my apartment, all my stuff... so scary. I mean, this is what I wanted... what I've been craving. A new adventure. A new chapter in life. New York will always be here and will always be home base. I know this. But I'm handed all that I've dreamed of on a silver platter. An amazing opportunity. But still, I'm so confused and scared and unsure!
This is more than just a year commitment to a masters program. It's a decision to MOVE to London to be an actor. That's what the school sets you up to do. They give you an agent showcase, buy you into British Actors Equity, and get you a visa to live/audition there for at least a year post-graduation.
This is a LIFE-CHANGING decision on many levels. When I got back from Israel, I wasn't even sure I wanted to perform any more. I wanted to do something less "trivial", I thought. So part of me wonders if this is just me trying to assign a geographical fix to a problem that just about not wanting to be in NY. And if that's the case, it's an awful lot of $$ to spend and a ton more debt to incur for something unless I'm SURE. But I also do know that ever since I got back from London, all I've said that is if I could figure out a way to be an actor THERE, I'd do it in a heartbeat. And now here's my chance. I know I haven't been feeling auditioning/pursuing it here in NY.... But maybe it's not that I'm not sure I want to do it... maybe I'm just scared that it won't be any different from here. There is no guarantee, it's true. I may very well fail over there and come home defeated and bankrupt. London is retardedly expensive too. Ugh.
But fear and money are 2 of the most awful reasons NOT to do something.
And then there's Israel. I could go do a 5-month program there for practically no $ and that could be equally life changing, but in a completely different way. Just like I said I always wanted to move back to London, it's also a life goal of mine to send some time living in Israel. And choosing London seems to put an end to that dream forever. London is a CAREER move... whereas Israel would be a wonderful life EXPERIENCE that may influence my career path, I guess. But it wouldn't not get me a masters degree. And I guess that's what makes London more scary. It seems way more permanent. I could be in London indefinitely (hopefully, if things are going well acting-wise!). I mean, yes... nothing is permanent if you don't want it to be. I could ALWAYS come back... but I'm not going to go put in all that time and $ in the UK to not at least try it out over there. And a masters from Central School means more there than here anyway. So I'd definitely be staying for at least 2 years. It would be like starting my life over in a way. Scary and exciting and scary and exciting!
Ugh I don't know! I have to sort of the financial stuff first. See if anyone else would even give me a loan with all the debt I'm already in. Look into scholarships. See if I can get some of it paid for some way. It just seems like too amazing of an opportunity NOT to go.
I mean, either way... I think I've pretty much decided I'm not going to be in NY in the fall. And that IS a very very exciting thought! I'm excited about that! So I guess we'll see what ends up making the most sense. If I had my perfect scenario... I'd defer CSSD for a year, go do the Israel program... see what that does to me... and then if I still REALLY want this, go to London the following fall. If I can't defer... I have some more thinking to do.
Hmmmmm.... big decisions. Big big decisions.